Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Well done OP, stay strong. Making this break will give you strength to draw on in the future too.

Perhaps contact the ex and compare notes.

My wife doesnt have a smartphones and looks at the Lidl app on mine

She could look at everything else I suppose if she wanted too, and my email is permanently logged in, she could also look at all the forums I am on if she didnt die of boredom first but the bottom line is that there is nothing to see.

Apart from an interest in Trains, Land Rights & Modern Monetary Theory AKA Boring Shit as she calls it

OK.... been there, done that.
My ex-husband, that took me 20 years to leave, started this round about the 10 year mark into our marriage as 'that's what husbands do to keep their wives safe'
I ended up completely controlled, confused and not knowing my arse from breakfast.
For context, I'm a company director and run wellbeing programmes to help women who've left situations like this and I stress this... I COULDN'T SEE IT FOR ME.
Please please please follow all of the advice on here. These wonderful posters are correct.... its not normal or right or love.
I implore you, don't go back. I can promise you, it won't get any better, but it WILL get worse.
Much love and strength xxx

This is controlling behaviour especially this early on. Odds are this so called therapist will be one of his mates making out his totally normal. Run for the hills before this turns into full on abuse when he sees a message he doesn't like, such as you went for coffee with friends and one of them was male or that you hung out with a friend he doesn't like. Get out now this is not healthy and never will be.

He should be seeing a therapist to work on moving past his trust issues not to justify treating you like a criminal and giving you no privacy. Tell me, did he offer to hand over his phone whenever you would like to check it? I bet he didn't which likely means his using this as a way to make it look like his insecure and your the problem when it will likely be him cheating using his so called insecurity to cover it up.

@SpringerFall, @SirAlfredSpatchcock,
Thank you for your very reasonsable and reasoned replies.
My concern was that comparing a woman checking her man's phone as directly equivalent to what OP is discussing rather diminishes how much of a red flag it was. Which, has to a certain extent been vindicated.
I think most would agree that women often have good reason to check preemptively. I chatted about this with male friends and most of them are fairly used to it. What OP experienced is far more concerning.

The fact he’s ‘threatened’ suicide if you don’t do what he wants tells you all you need to know about this man.

Absolutely. But a police visit might well put a stop to such nonsense.

I pointed this out upthread in response to a poster who said there were double standards on MN. I also don’t see this as an equivalent situation. Most posts I’ve seen from women checking their partners’ phones are in response to suspicions raised by other behaviour, whereas OP hasn’t done anything wrong, and there’s no ‘trail of evidence’ to follow. It’s simply that his behaviour has driven her to leave, and now he’s making it a condition of getting back together that he be allowed to check through her phone whenever he likes. It’s so not the same thing. Red flags everywhere.

I thought this too. If the instagram message is anything to go by he clearly has form for this.

@Rosscameasdoody, I would say that as a man, I am used to having my phone checked. I have certainly not given reasonable grounds for suspicion. I do accept that women have more right to check and also that it is jus tmore normal.
But we agree with the situations are different.

But I still don't see why you can say that it's not as serious if a woman does it than if a man does it.

You get paranoid, irrational, jealous women too, who will also try to control their partners.

Whatever individual opinions are on whether it can be justified or not, surely the two 'groups' would be split into 'those following up on other very concerning and suspicious behaviours' and 'those who are paranoid/controlling/gaslighting with no reason to suspect whatsoever'; not 'women who do it' and 'men who do it'?

Even if it IS justified to snoop when consolidating other suspicious actions and evidence, by the time the trust is gone and you're checking your spouse/partner's phone for proof, you probably don't have much of a relationship left anyway.

Threatening suicide is a well known tactic and extremely manipulative. Ignore it

If you have concerns for his welfare, inform the police

If you see it as normal and standard, as a man, to have your phone checked regularly by a female partner, without her having any grounds for suspicion whatsoever, I daresay you too have been/are being a victim of abusive controlling behaviour, albeit much lower down the ladder at this present time than OP.

@Sweden99

What excuses have your partners given for checking?

Are they honest that they want to look for any signs that you've been cheating, just in case you have been (and are also too dim to delete messages and save your theoretical affair partner as 'Steve' in your contacts); or do they lie and pretend they need to use an app that they don't have, say that their phone's battery is dead or similar?

If the former, how do you think they would have reacted if you'd said "Actually, no; I have not been cheating at all, but my phone is private, just as yours is for you"?

If somebody threatened to kill themselves - especially if you have it in writing in a text/WhatsApp - I would indeed inform the police of this.

If they are genuine, they can receive the professional help that they desperately need - and you've been a 'good' citizen; but if they're being manipulative, they can have that very awkward conversation with the police and maybe find themselves the recipient of some unwanted and intrusive attention as they try to explain themselves.

@SirAlfredSpatchcock Sorry, I fear we are diverting the thread.
I am sure a thread on MN about having a DP who would not share their phone password would have many sympathetic responses. Context matters, going on a date to find the man had thoroughly researched you online would be creepy, the other way round is is pretty much expected. Ideally, we would go beyond gender norms, but we are far from that.
I am so think as society changes, so has MN. Ten years ago, I was abusive as my marriage was rough and I was a man. I am in a much better marriage but often cast as a victim as women are now held to what I fear is an almos impossible standard here.

As far as I’ve been told she’s really not a nice person, I wouldn’t want to get in contact with her!

Exactly this.

YANBU this is abusive behaviour. This is his issue not yours yet he thinks you are the one who needs to compromise to satisfy his paranoia. This us absolutely not acceptable. You don't need to offer justification for why you don't want him to look at your phone on command. Trust is a basic relationship need. Without it, it's doomed. I would get away from this guy as fast as you can x

There's a difference between having access to each other's phone in a healthy relationship and being open and this situation. Here her partner is constantly suspicious of her not because she has done anything but because of his last
relationship and wants to constantly check her phone to make sure she isn't cheating. That is very unhealthy and wrong.

I have access to my partners phone but I don't constantly check it trying to see if my spouse is cheating or not, but if I need to do something on the phone ther a no problem or concern and vice versa. I'm not constantly stalking my spouses phone or messages trying to see if they cheated or not so no @Permanentlydazedandconfused should not tolerate this at all.

He needs to work on his insecurities or move on simple. This will only lead to more and more liberties being taken because he is scared that she may be cheating on him and she will end up being cut off from her friends and support system just to keep him from being suspicious and trying to keep him happy in the process she will lose herself to his insecurities and guess what, it will still not be enough.

He will want to know see every communication you have with your friends etc otherwise you just be cheating on him. What next start stalking all her emails and social media accounts and work emails just in case she is cheating with a colleague?

In summary yes I am all for being open and transparent in a relationship but not when it becomes abusive to satisfy someone's paranoia.

Nah
ContCoerBehavStatGuidV3-10-04-22_.pdf (publishing.service.gov.uk)

Haha what bullshit.

My spouse and I have transparency and access to our phones but that doesn't mean we constantly check messages to try to find out if we are cheating or tracking locations. That is pure abuse simple.

Because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean OP has to tolerate being treated like she is cheating as well, he needs to work on his insecurities.

A person so oddly obsessed with where you are and what is on your phone is hanging up the red bunting in armfuls.

Tell me you're an abusive controlling person without telling me you're an abusive controlling person 😂. Obsessed my ass, he is abusive and controlling stop trying to sugar coat it.

@Permanentlydazedandconfused welldone for cutting him off quickly not like many women here who will make excuses and turn a blind eye until they have wasted years of their lives with an abusive partner and don't recognize themselves anymore.

She’s probably perfectly lovely, just another victim of his abuse.

Imagine what he'll be telling his next gf about you!