Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Jesus. My husband and I know each other's phone passwords and will check each other's phones, like "you should read the email/whatsapp XYZ sent me today" or looking at cute photos the other has taken of the kids on a day out, but the idea that your boyfriend is straight out checking your phone for evidence of infidelity CONSTANTLY is utterly batshit, and you need to break up with him so he can go and get some significant therapy before he tries to be in a relationship again.

You pandering to a mania is not helping his mental health, and if anything, it's further damaging his ability to understand normal boundaries. Run like the wind.

(sorry - you HAVE run like the wind already! Well done!)

His alleged history of having been cheated on by ALL of his exes kinda sounds more like this is a story he tells himself to justify his own cheating. Or he has mental health problems and paranoia.

Paranoid control freaks like this are usually the ones cheating, they think everyone is as shit as they are but want loyalty.
I wouldn't even engage with him anymore, any conversation will be him turning it around to manipulate you into doing this for him and it isn't acceptable and his issues are not your problem, nothing to do with love or not.

Urgh, the old 'if you loved me, you'd do x or y'

You're well rid, OP. He was completely unreasonable.

He's controlling and abusive. I'd keep the relationship ended.

Absolutely not, no way would I agree to this, his insecurity and trust issues are for HIM to manage, not you to pander to. He needs to grow up and get some therapy.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Nect he will want you to be in constant touch while you are out, then, he will sulk.when you go.out as apparently it's because you don't love him or because you are just wanting to meet your lover. You won't be able to maintain relationships with men, not even colleagues.

It's never ending.

Well don't for ending it now.

Run like the wind. Run swift, run free!

It's not your job to give in to the neuroses of sad little men.

HE wants to take YOU for counselling? YOU should take HIM to a padded cell!

Another situation where ''poor little child boy with emotional problems'' demands to run ... and ruin ... a woman's life.

Put as much distance as possible between you and Mr. I-Am-A-Self-Obsessed-Moron and never ever hand over your phone, passwords etc. to him. He's a controlling shit.

He will be hitting you soon

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

In a new partnership, no. If you get married, yes. My husband and I have complete access to each other's phones and always have, and I was actually floored the first time I read on here about phone privacy between intimate, life long partners. What is the point? If you have something on your phone that your partner shouldn't see (and vice versa) then there is a big problem with your relationship.

So you let your bloke read online conversations between your and your friends?

If so I hope they understand that anything private they tell you is automatically for his eyes too.

@LifeExperience I have no issue with him picking up my phone using Spotify, Google or whatever he likes on there BUT I do object to being checked up on, or trying to be caught out.
I feel it would always make me feel like I’m not trusted and I don’t think any relationship can work where there is no trust.
Messages I send to my friends/family are private to me and I don’t need someone else reading them. I also have important personal documents on my phone that I don’t necessarily want to share with a bf of 1 year.
I show more respect for my 16 year old dad and would never dream of going through her phone to check up on her!

My husband is my partner, not my keeper. He does not get to check my phone, or read my post, or check my location or any other batshit controlling nonsense.
This is not because there is anything that would be a problem, it's because its none of his business.

I'm still an individual with a right to privacy and I would not tolerate anything else. You trust each other or you don't.

There's a solid reason his exPs are ex. He tried this shit with them and they dumped him ("she's crazy!")

If you were married I'd say be ok with sharing phone messages as you'd have nothing to hide. Unless you vent about your DH constantly to your friends!

Absolutely not!
And anyone even hinting at seeing my phone or sharing my location would be gone and I’d not look back.

You did the right thing and you just need to stick to it.

No healthy relationship needs to look at each others phones, share their location or need to know where the other one is and who they’re talking to.

If it’s like this already, imagine what it would be like in 6 months time.

that is abuse! I can’t believe he genuinely believe that you need to see a councellor! He behaviour and demands are totally out of order! Get rid of him quick!

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning and I wouldn’t change my mind as what he was asking wasn’t sitting right with me.
He responded with the fact I wouldn’t back down on this with ‘if you loved me you’d do this one small thing for me, it’s not a big deal’

It’s not a small thing. It’s a very big thing. It’s basically handing over all privacy save the thoughts in your head. And where does it stop? If he wants to know exactly where you are would he start demanding selfies so you can prove who you’re with? Air tags in your car and your handbag? Checking your bank statements? Fucking bonkers.

You’re gonna read about him in the news one day.

He says ‘one small thing’ but it’s not small and it wouldn’t stop there.

Congratulations on getting rid.

I'd really like to know this too - as it sounds like he wants full access to your phone but you don't have access to his? Do you think he has a guilty conscious OP?

Anyway, regardless... This is a massive red flag and it's time to run for the hills.

I think you are very wise to end this relationship. You might want to check that he has not installed spyware on your phone or in your home.

Not unreasonable at all. In my book, this is control (he can call it what he likes). Phones are private. I would never look at DP's phone, ever.

Fuck that.

Congratulations on getting rid.

My friend is in a controlling relationship and he gives her full access to his phone because he says that he’s doing it because he loves her and has nothing to hide.

He says that she must not love him as much or must have something to hide if she won’t do the same.

I think a lot of controlling men do things like this.