Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning and I wouldn’t change my mind as what he was asking wasn’t sitting right with me.
He responded with the fact I wouldn’t back down on this with ‘if you loved me you’d do this one small thing for me, it’s not a big deal’
My phone was always around and I never had a problem with him picking it up, putting on Spotify, googling something.
I don’t know how he would feel about me on his phone, I’ve never had the urge to look.
I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

I just wanted some reassurance that this wasn’t normal behaviour and i wasn’t overreacting to his requests

Well, he seems like a decent guy...

Come on now, you can't be so desperate that you really think this is ok? Raise your standards. Take a break from men and build up your self-esteem.

So not only does he get to check your phone whenever he wants to, because of his 'trust issues', YOU are the one who needs counselling for realising that this is not normal?!

Incidentally, does he allow you to check his phone whenever you wonder if he might have been up to anything, should you wish to?

I can see some parallels here with the other current thread where OP convinced her (solvent, responsible, loves his daughter) fiance to let her see his bank statements, just in case he might have a gambling problem. I know she said that 'we' shared 'our' bank statements, because transparency is important to 'us', but she never clarified whether they both decided this together or if one of them was much keener and managed to persuade the other.

Op, you should be running for your fucking life.

On top of all the entirely justified comments above, your friends/family/colleagues who may be emailing or messaging you about sensitive issues in their own lives would be rightly outraged to discover that their messages were being read by your boyfriend.

If you have work email or messaging related to work on your phone, it could be a serious disciplinary issue if you were allowing your partner unfettered access to that information.

If you want to cheat on him, you will find a way to do so, whether he is inspecting your phone or not. So where does it end? Should he follow you around at all times? Check your bank account? Forbid you from talking to certain people

He is the one with a problem. He is the one who needs to change their behaviour.

The only behaviour you need to change is that you need to leave this relationship and not look back.

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning

Great decision, OP. A wise escape for you, and maybe a heads-up for him for the future that this is what happens when he treats women this way.

These are all his problems not yours

I know it’s easier said than done but it’s done and over
this is no way to live

I don’t know how he would feel about me on his phone, I’ve never had the urge to look.

Obviously, if he loves you, he wouldn't have any objections to you doing so, as it's just a small thing...

I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

That reminds me of the old joke about the woman whose first six husbands all tragically died from eating poisoned mushrooms. Her seventh also sadly died - from a sharp blow to the head... because he refused to eat the mushrooms that she cooked for him.

You're definitely not overreacting. Also, any time a partner says "if you loved me you'd..." they're manipulating you. It's the most guilt trippy way to phrase any request.

I'm glad to hear you've ended things with this walking red flag.

I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

This was my first thought. He was probably similar in past relationships and I’m sure will tell his next girlfriend that you were cheating because in his mind if you weren’t you would have complied rather than breaking up with him.

Run away fast.

People like your partner shouldn’t be in a relationship. He needs to work on himself or remain single so his paranoia isn’t fed because realistically there’s nothing that you can do to prove that you’re innocent of his fears.

No no no no nope. Get out of this relationship today and stop sharing your location with him.

To put it plainly, ex partner can go fuck himself!

Absolutely not! This is so controlling

Jeez no, that’s no way to live.

Run, he will always be insecure and his grip will tighten as time goes on!

Just seen you’ve ended the relationship. Good for you - furthermore, language like “if you loved me you’d do this” is textbook abusive and controlling language. Keep yourself safe but you have made a brave and right decision.

Just keep walking and don't look back!

“If you loved me, you’d..” is the sort of controlling logic that young children try to manipulate situations to their advantage. It’s a massive red flag.

Why am I not shocked that he’s not offering his location and open access to his messages? 🤔 I would not be surprised if he’s projecting his behaviour onto you.

He is controlling and abusive.
I would also say potentially dangerous.
He is gaslighting you that this is normal.
Be glad you have the cop on to see this.
Your life will only get worse if you stay.
If you were to get pregnant I have no doubt that he would up his control of you, possibly physically abuse you.
Contact Women's aid for a chat.
He is a bad man.
Stay the hell away from him.

He's a controlling, abusive prick. Absolutely do not continue this relationship.

It's not just about the phone. It's about him wanting to control you and remove every scrap of privacy in your life.

It is not normal or OK to accuse a partner of cheating all the time. He's basically saying 'I think you're a horrible person and it's up to you to prove you aren't'. I don't give a shit whether his last girlfriend cheated on him - that's not your problem and it's not an excuse for him to be an emotionally abusive cunt.

FWIW, my DP's ex also cheated on him. Two of my exes cheated on me. But we have never, ever accused one another of cheating and we don't look at each other's phones. Ever.

Absolutely do not let him do this. He will scrutinise and twist every message to suit his paranoia and desire to control you

Given what you've said about all his exes, I imagine that you'll be the latest in a long line of 'cheating exes', his proof being that you hid your phone from him all the time.

I would be aware that he might be cheating. Usually people project it when they start messing around.

Ask to his phone and see how reacts and then you'll know!