Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Presumably, he doesn't need to offer his phone, because he knows that he isn't cheating... and, ironically, if she really loved him, she'd trust him enough not to ask...

Not a chance.

I very much doubt that all his previous GF cheated on him, and even if they did there is nothing that would reassure him that you aren't when he has this level of paranoia.

I think it's an excuse to control you and if you stay with him you'll be subjected to endless interrogation and fucking MISERY.

You may love him - but please, PLEASE love yourself more.

Let him be your ex OP. He’s controlling and clearly has issues he’s projecting on to you. You need trust and if your word isn’t enough then there’s no point

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. His behaviour is not normal and is incredibly controlling and gaslighting.

Enjoy the first day of the rest of your life without this deadweight around your neck.

Ffs of course you’re not being unreasonable! He is a walking, talking massive red flag. This type of behaviour is often precursor to more worrying, often violent behaviour.

Run.

Walk away .

I'm with the "run for the hills and don't look back" group. This person is not the person for you.

Have you tried to turn it around on him - if he thinks you need counselling for this, say that you think he needs counselling for his trust issues. If he says that he needs access to your phone, you will need the same level access to his phone. If he says that if you loved him, you'd be doing this for him. How about if he loved you, he wouldn't need to ask these things of you because he'd trust you. You are not going to be the woman who pays for the 'sins' of someone that came before you.

This

Run and don’t look back OP.
He wants to control you, so basically you’re always ‘guilty’ until
he can ‘prove’ otherwise by Policing you and keeping you under surveillance.

He should be the one seeing a counsellor for his MH problems.

Run.

My ex tried this with me, even the line about how it’s what a counsellor would tell me to do! In fact pretty much any unreasonable request on his part would be backed up with ‘it’s what any relationship counsellor would tell you’ funnily enough, when I asked if I could also look at his phone I got a resounding NO. His name doesn’t begin with G does it?

Absolutely fuck that from here to the far side of fuck and then a bit further: delighted to hear you've broken things off.

However, it might be worth doing a wee bit of counselling or therapy by yourself to understand why this man came into your life and how he managed to erode your sense of 'normal' to this extent - I think that would pay off well in terms of future relationships.

Pp are right about previous gf saying no being twisted into they were cheating.

That is a very, very slippery slope to be on. First he wants to check your phone. Before you know it he's tell you who you can speak to and what you can and can't wear. Thank god you've left him.

Take you to a counsellor?

Classic gaslighting.
Wanting to make you question your own psychological state and feel like you're going mad rather than question him.

It's straight out of a textbook.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.. absolutely no way and non negotiable. Run away as fast as you can

This all sounds pure dodge op.

Dh was caught out sexting another woman a while back and in response he provided me with all passwords etc for phone and makes a point of leaving it lying around so I could easily access it if I wanted to.

I have very rarely looked at it because I'm watching his other actions and behaviours and I don't want a relationship where I need to be monitoring him all the time.

You haven't even done anything to warrant this.

Your partners issues are his own to deal with. If he was cheated on before then of course that sucks, but it doesn't give him the right to take away your privacy and to put the onus on you to deal with his past trauma. That's his to deal with and you of course can support him but it should be freely and within your own boundaries.

The idea of taking you to this counsellor sounds strange... I can't imagine a counsellor who would tell you to compromise your own boundaries in this way as opposed to placing the responsibility on your partner to deal with his own insecurities and fear of betrayal or rejection so that he can have a healthy relationship. As someone who's been cheated on before I have and would never ask to regularly check someone's phone. To me it's pointless because that person could really just delete the things they don't want you to see.. so does it even really solve the issue?

I think the way he is approaching this sounds manipulative and gaslighting and I think you need to really reconsider whether this relationship is what you want or if you could have something healthier and more respectful from someone else. Controlling manipulative behaviours tend to get worse rather than better and it sounds like he's no intention of taking the responsibility on this.

I just wanted to add that I would really encourage you to do the Freedom Programme.

It's good that you ended it and you knew this behaviour wasn't acceptable, but you still needed confirmation that you were doing the right thing.

The programme will help to give you clarity and insight into recognising controlling and abusive behaviour.

This is absolutely not ok and is not normal behaviour.

do not go back to this controlling insecure man.

Run!

I'd rather be single to the end of time than put up with this!

🚩

Run. For the hills.

Hi OP, to add to the many voices on the thread so far: fuck that for a game of soldiers. you are right to end it.

Just to add a small perspective, my DH has never once looked at my phone. And I've never looked at his. Aside from when I've shown him a photo etc or vice versa

The hills are thataway >>>> 🗻🗻🗻