Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

If you don't trust each other (and freely allow privacy to each other too) - there isn't much of a relationship to preserve.

It is odd to be so insecure about someone you love... unless you are a cheat yourself. Can you trust this person?

A person so oddly obsessed with where you are and what is on your phone is hanging up the red bunting in armfuls.

Jesus.

The only reason I would agree to go to a counsellor to hear this, would be so that on the very very very slim chance that this “counsellor” is registered with a professional body, I could make a complaint about them.

Run for the hills.

My first husband had a longstanding prostitute habit, throughout our entire relationship it turned out. I have never looked through second husband’s phone, despite opportunity. Because if I had trust issues (and you’d understand if I did) they would be my issues. He doesn’t have trust issues by the a way… just a way to control you.

Please, you can do better than this. Keeping your dignity single is better than this.

He could become dangerous.

This is at best hideously unattractive behaviour and at worse controlling and abusive.

Leave.

Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is judging you by his standards. If he has no reason to ever suspect you might not cheating on him, yet is adamant that you are then it is most likely that he is cheating on you and trying to turn it around.

You've left.
Stay left.

Massive red flag - run for the hills. Been married 25 years and i have never looked at my husband's phone and he has never looked at mine. Your partner's "trust" issues are not your problem to fix. He is looking to blame you for his behaviour.

Funny thing is…I really don’t think he is/was cheating on me.
He wouldn’t have time in between the constant calls and texts to me!

I was feeling like a possession rather than a person.

Me and dh randomly go on eachothers phones to look stuff up sometimes but if the other person isn't comfortable with it we always give it back.

There's some personal things I might be doing I don't want him looking at (e.g googling a health issue or mumsnet bitching) and vice versa if he's on what's app with his mates sometimes he feels self conscious if I'm staring at his messages.

I think having personal boundaries in a relationship is important and if he doesn't trust you enough to respect that then it's not going to work out. It sounds controlling to me, imagine if he said I don't trust you in the bathroom by yourself you could be doing anything in there. 😂

Even if he was cheating literally all he needs to do is put their name as something else in their phone and auto delete their messages genuinely that simple

Run

Giving him full access to your phone and location at all times could easily end up escalating into something more sinister depending on his mental health. Sounds like he is trying to make his anxiety better by controlling you.

I understand his feelings of anxiety are hard to navigate, but he’s wrongly placing responsibility on you.

Exposure therapy is one of the best ways of lessening anxiety triggers, not eliminating things that cause anxiety. Sounds like he has either told his therapist a fabricated reality or they’re not a good therapist, if they’re really advising him to insist new partners give him on demand phone access.

Also beware anyone who tells you their therapist agrees with something they’re telling you, as a way of backing it up!

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues

I’d take the or ex option asap and throw this one back.

There is nothing you can (or should) do to placate someone this immature & insecure. If you let him see your phone he'd think you must have another secret one somewhere. It's exhausting being with someone like this; you will never ever convince them. So don't bother trying. Don't get back with him under any circumstances.

This is definitely a ‘it’s not you it’s him’ issue. He sounds like an immature, horribly needy, insecure pita. Don’t waste another minute on him.

This. If someone is incapable of basic trust you’ll never be able to satisfy their need for evidence.

You have a daughter?
Keep that controlling arse away from her and your home.
You will be putting you BOTH at risk.

He's a walking red flag OP

Even if he backs down over the phone, don't take him back.
He will be stalking you next, sulking when you go out. It will be your work mates he's unsure of.
The phone is the tip of the iceberg.

Don't go back! I had a relationship like this once. It will grind you down till you lose track of reality. He will not change.

So two months into the relationship, he's checking your phone all the time. This is because he thinks you might cheat on him and have sex with another man and lie to him because that's what he thinks you or maybe all women are like. I don't think his exes all cheated on him either - I think it was all in his mind.

I do tend to think he might cheat too and is projecting his behaviour on to you.

You are not being unreasonable. He sounds quite dangerous and deluded. These things tend to escalate too as nothing really ever satisfies people like this. He'll be wanting you to wear sensible underwear and shoes next or stop wearing makeup to tempt all those other lustful men out there.

Don't take this whining misanthrope back is all I can say. Imagine having children with him - they'd be no sooner born than he'd be DNA testing them for paternity. He'd be in the delivery room with a swab ready to go.

I'd go to the counsellor so he can hopefully realise the issue is his and then leave him

Absolutely DONT DO THIS

WTF!!!!

"Hopefully" he'll realise the issue is his??

Give me strength. 😡

he's a lost cause. not a chance in hell I'd be going to counselling with someone as controlling and unhinged.

This is a mental ilness

What's the point, though?

It would be like going to the GP because you've had no problems with your breathing, no aches or pains when you walk and you've never smoked, so you don't need to give up.

Going with him would certainly just leave him saying that the counsellor was lying/wrong/a charlatan/you'd deliberately misled or bribed them or similar; no way he would just accept that he was paranoid.

He sounds such a Prince…. You’ve had a lucky escape…