Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

[Permanentlydazedandconfused]

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Jesus. Glad you dumped him OP. I thought it was bad enough wanting to see your phone whenever he wanted, but he wanted to know your location at all times as well? You have indeed had a lucky escape.

Run. This is never going to improve, and he’s always going to have doubts. It doesn’t matter if there’s any reason for him to have doubts or not, they’ll be there. Plus he’ll be awful when you want to do things like spend a night away etc. Get out while you’ve got the chance, why bother negotiating anything?

I haven’t read the full thread, just your first post but this is a Major, major, major red flag and would be a relationship ending moment for me. The guy is not capable of having a respectful relationship right now.

That is a serious obsession he is developing there. Dump him.
Because it will take a professional to sort his brain out. If you had fallen deeply in love with him and were willing to work on him you would fail.
All IMHO, good Luck.

Is he willing to reciprocate and offer you full access to his phone, and also work on his trust issues with a psychiatrist? In that case I'd think about it

I’m wondering if you’re with my ex h as this is exactly the 💩 he pulled, well tried to to and then I realised he’d never get any better and left him. He won’t get any better and you do not need to prove yourself to him. I hope you can leave

98% of 704 votes gives a pretty clear answer - and I'm also convinced there are people on every thread that get mixed up and hit the wrong vote, so I wouldn't worry too much about the 2%.

Run as fast as you can, and block the controlling twat from your phone and social media.

Yes.
Personally, I let my wife have the password etc for my devices. It saves the "accidentally" seeing my internet history for the last month if a notification pops up on my screen.
That said, it is very, very weird for a man to want that and a massive red flag.

This is not remotely normal. I'm glad that you see this and that he is now your ex. He sounds completely controlling!

He is the one with the trust problem, so why is he putting this onto you and making it your problem?

Any decent relationship counsellor would refuse to engage in any relationship counselling where there is clear abuse happening.
You're well rid OP.
Be prepared for more games and attempted coercion now you've ended it.
Then will come the nastiness. Block him and save yourself a load of grief.

No way, absolutely do not agree to this!

His insecurity is not your problem or issue. He needs to work on himself.

Bullet dodged, it would seem

Don't go along with this. He will get worse. What if the next step is to stop you leaving the house alone etc? I've been there and can tell you this is a slippery slope to hell. What an entitled nasty prick you are dealing with.

Fuck that.
I've never cheated but don't give a shit if DH uses my phone but I wouldn't be happy handing it over so it can be gone through like I'm a bloody criminal.
If I was you I'd end it now. You'll end up living your life with a controlling, moody nightmare and you'll be scared to do anything. I used to be with someone who would sulk if I went out with my friends to the degree that I used to absolutely dread saying I was going or would cancel. I'd never done anything to make him not trust me. If I went I'd have to deal with three or four days of silent treatment and moping. It was awful.

Run for the hills. I've seen this happen to a friend, started out by 'just' wanting to see her phone, then 'just' wanting to know where she was....it ended up with him locking her in the house while he went to work, never letting her go out without him and dictating what she wore. It was so insidious, she didn't see what was happening until he'd isolated her from family & friends and turned her into a shadow of her former self. And yes, the classic "you'd do this for me if you REALLY loved me" line, the hallmark of an emotional manipulator. He's a control freak, don't go back.

That's a bye bye.
He's a psychopath.

Fuck. That.
Cut fat from t'animal and get away from that.

Even aside from the looking at your phone, the phrase "whenever he has doubts" is what hits me. He's going with the assumption that he will have doubts about your fidelity.

For that reason alone, I wouldn't consider continuing the relationship.

A relationship has GOT to be based on trust. He is demonstrating that he is incapable of one.

Run for your life.

He should be the one working on himself until ready for a relationship.

I don't think sharing location to make them at ease you're not cheating is a good thing or sign of healthy relationship.

If it's to know when you'll be home to get dinner on for you or for safety when driving at night etc etc there's are good reasons.

And even if he does, RUN.

No woman needs a man for sexual gratification.

No counsellor would tell you to give him your phone and if they did I'd run a mile from them too. It is his problem to fix. Not yours to placate him.

BTW he's probably cheating on you. Projecting....

It sounds exhausting. I had an ex, a simple text message led to an all night sulk/analysis/being told I was a terrible person who didn't care for him etc etc. Me trying to reassure the ridiculous man-child

The thought of wasting hours of my life again doing similar makes my hair curl. Run. Life is too short.

And TELLING you to go to counselling so a counsellor can gaslight somehow facilitate his coercive control. Is this a counsellor he knows? Is it just him in a fake nose and glasses talking in a German accent?

Yeah, I knew someone no time. At home or at work.

Fucking someone else when he said he had an early start or late finish, overnight work..