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Original poster

Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

274 replies

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:10

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

OP posts:
Holidaaaaay · 30/05/2024 20:11

I'd just be petty and treat her the same tbh. 🤣

Sunnysummer24 · 30/05/2024 20:12

If you want to go and will enjoy it then go. If you won’t enjoy it then say you can’t make that night but hope she has a good time.

Did you post about people not bringing you gifts for the meetup app birthday meal out?

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2024 20:13

Surely it’s a decision to make on whether you want to go rather than treat it as revenge or retaliation. She’s supposed to be a friend.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:15

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2024 20:13

Surely it’s a decision to make on whether you want to go rather than treat it as revenge or retaliation. She’s supposed to be a friend.

I guess so, just still raw as my meal was only a few weeks ago!

OP posts:
Liliee · 30/05/2024 20:18

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2024 20:13

Surely it’s a decision to make on whether you want to go rather than treat it as revenge or retaliation. She’s supposed to be a friend.

OMG!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oops, meant that in response to @Sunnysummer24. Truly the gift that keeps giving!

pictoosh · 30/05/2024 20:18

You had 30 other people there.
Unless I'm missing something that's a bloody good turnout.
Is there a particular reason that her absence has cut deep.

She probably assumed she wouldn't be missed.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2024 20:19

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:15

I guess so, just still raw as my meal was only a few weeks ago!

Show quote history

Which is understandable but the likelihood is that in the long term you presumably still want her to be your friend and will appreciate that your 2024 self was the bigger person.

Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 20:20

So she didn't go to your meal because she was anxious about being there with people she wasn't close to, said she'd love to go to your meet up event but didn't actually say she's going, she was busy, so you sent her a snarky message? She let you know in advance, I don't see what the problem is. I think you're being petty.

Springadorable · 30/05/2024 20:21

I think you've got a bee in your bonnet about your meal. It was also a meet up meeting, but you wanted presents from everyone. If you want to go to her party then go. If you don't then don't. But you are different people who are going to feel different about going to events where you don't know people and that's ok.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:22

Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 20:20

So she didn't go to your meal because she was anxious about being there with people she wasn't close to, said she'd love to go to your meet up event but didn't actually say she's going, she was busy, so you sent her a snarky message? She let you know in advance, I don't see what the problem is. I think you're being petty.

She would have had her partner there to talk to if all else failed. Plus I offered to sit next to them both. But I understand your point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:23

Springadorable · 30/05/2024 20:21

I think you've got a bee in your bonnet about your meal. It was also a meet up meeting, but you wanted presents from everyone. If you want to go to her party then go. If you don't then don't. But you are different people who are going to feel different about going to events where you don't know people and that's ok.

She’s also on the Meetup app and used to host her own Meetup events. She is quite confident and good at interacting with people she might not know very well

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 30/05/2024 20:24

It was an invitation, she had no obligation to go.

Maybe don't organise anything like this as you get upset about not enough presents and not enough guests going by your previous thread.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:24

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:23

She’s also on the Meetup app and used to host her own Meetup events. She is quite confident and good at interacting with people she might not know very well

Show quote history

I’m good friends with the person in question. We meet up outside of Meetup, I’ve been round her house for dinner with just her and her partner, etc.

OP posts:
Trishna99 · 30/05/2024 20:24

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:22

She would have had her partner there to talk to if all else failed. Plus I offered to sit next to them both. But I understand your point!

Show quote history

I would really struggle with a party of 33 people. Honestly I think good for her for being honest and letting you know in advance. You had 30 it her people there. It's not a big deal.

Onabench · 30/05/2024 20:27

It depends if you still want to be friends. If you are happy to end the friendship, then don't attend

MagentaRocks · 30/05/2024 20:27

Just because you wanted to do something it doesn't mean everyone does.

My closest friend who is more like a daughter to me isn't coming to a big party I'm hosting as she doesn't like big groups and wouldn't enjoy it. Of course I would love to have her there but I totally understand and have told her that. I wouldn't expect her to do something she doesn't want to just to please me.

something2say · 30/05/2024 20:28

I can see where you're coming from. It feels like a cross roads. To go means she gets away with what she did. To not go ends the relationship.

Personally I would go. Things happen and people are not perfect. Friendships ebb and flow and people can feel bad for what they did and try to make it up to some other way in the future. I would not end the friendship and cause issues for the future.

I would remember it however, but see what happens.

I've had a friend in the social group I'm in and every now and then he makes mean comments to people. I've been on the receiving end of a few. One time I chose to avoid him and it was so obvious I suppose, he went out of his way to be friendly. I saw from that that he felt bad and things are normal now. I 'know it to be true of him' though and it tailors my approach. Not everyone is going to be that good a friend, but they don't have to be cut off for good just because of that.

X

TheTartfulLodger · 30/05/2024 20:28

I'd just wait til the day before then tell her I wasn't 'feeling it'.

something2say · 30/05/2024 20:29

Don't be such good friends going forward either, based on your last post. She did let you know yes, but they posted photos of themselves doing something else and for a friend's birthday that is pretty hurtful.

lap90 · 30/05/2024 20:32

Is she usually flakey?

Are they struggling financially?

Personally i'm not big on these big birthday dinners, especially when the bill comes.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:32

something2say · 30/05/2024 20:29

Don't be such good friends going forward either, based on your last post. She did let you know yes, but they posted photos of themselves doing something else and for a friend's birthday that is pretty hurtful.

Thanks! Yeah, they were literally posing next to their barbecue, looking right as rain!

I was actually going to still go to her party, but the Cosmo thing has kind of thrown a spanner in the works…. I personally don’t see much difference, except the event before Cosmo was for my birthday and surely more effort should have been made!

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 30/05/2024 20:33

I’d go if I thought I was going to have a good time and see all my friends but I wouldn’t go to support her particularly. I guess I would ask myself if I really wanted to go and if not I’d decline.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:34

lap90 · 30/05/2024 20:32

Is she usually flakey?

Are they struggling financially?

Personally i'm not big on these big birthday dinners, especially when the bill comes.

Not struggling financially as far as I am aware. Bought a big 5 bed house last year aged 29 and always going abroad! He’s a Uni Lecturer and she works full time too

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:34

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:34

Not struggling financially as far as I am aware. Bought a big 5 bed house last year aged 29 and always going abroad! He’s a Uni Lecturer and she works full time too

Show quote history

Although I did treat them to Oktoberfest tickets and they stayed ONE HOUR before saying they were bored and going home

OP posts:
Crabble · 30/05/2024 20:37

I wouldn’t feel obliged to go if I didn’t want to but I wouldn’t skip it on principle if I thought I’d enjoy it.

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