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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

274 replies

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 20:10

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 31/05/2024 07:15

Well the whole set up sounds pretty hideous to me.

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 31/05/2024 07:20

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 21:37

Very true, probably would be boring going there and actually having no one to talk to. Plus would need to get the train there and back and would take almost an hour each way I think.

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Funny how responses generally are only to those who agree with you...

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 31/05/2024 07:24

Doglover321 · 30/05/2024 22:29

For months she said she would be coming and is very excited. And then 3 days before the meal dropped out. I said to just let me know on the day if you change your mind. She messaged on the day to say they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then a few hours later they’re uploading pictures of them posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs, with what might have been their neighbours in the background

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So what? You weren't paying for the meal. You didn't have to ( or could not, given the way the app works) give numbers to the venue.

hopscotcher · 31/05/2024 07:24

Well it's obviously up to you whether you go, but if you don't go on the premise of 'not knowing anyone' you'll be validating her behaviour rather than showing her there are other ways to approach things. On that basis, unless I didn't really want the friendship anymore, I'd probably show my face.
With regard to your original annoyance, I wouldn't be bothered by someone dropping out of a birthday meal I'd organised, but I'd be irritated by the excuse she gave.

Hairyfairy01 · 31/05/2024 07:25

I wouldn't want to go to a friends birthday dinner with a load of people who you barely knew, and i didn't know at all, who you had met on Meet Up. Sorry but that would be really odd to me.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 07:36

Aif12 · 31/05/2024 07:05

To be fair, a wedding is very different to a random birthday. (Unless it was a significant birthday? But even then, it’s still not a wedding) Do you know whose wedding it was? Maybe it was a family wedding and she knew lots of the guests!

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I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. She didn’t turn down my birthday in favour of a wedding

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 07:40

Thank you to those who have commented in a courteous manner. I shall have a think :) xx

OP posts:
Liliee · 31/05/2024 07:44

Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 06:56

No, a small gift no more expensive than £10.

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So you knew exactly what that poster was referring to.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 31/05/2024 07:48

You meed to learn to take no for an answer because sometimes shit happens.

CoraPirbright · 31/05/2024 07:57

“She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ “

Is this normal wording these days?? It sounds so unbelievably rude to me!

Lighteningstrikes · 31/05/2024 08:21

I think she was a bit of a wet lettuce for not going and you've changed your view about her based on that.

Do what you genuinely want to do, but not out of spite.

OMGsamesame · 31/05/2024 08:23

Some of these responses are bizarre!

The friend was rude. Sounds like she's been rude before.

OP you know yourself whether this is part of a wider pattern or not, and if you want to remain friends with her. If you do, then go to her party and don't mention your birthday meal to her or anyone.

If you don't want to be friends with her, go or don't go to her party as you wish and then withdraw, but still don't mention your birthday meal to her or anyone.

Pelli · 31/05/2024 08:23

She sounds self absorbed to me and that would make me wary of getting too close to her, especially after how she treated you on your birthday - zero consideration for you, it was all about her. There is probably worse to come.

Go to the party if you think it will be fun for you, otherwise I would give it a miss.

The main thing I would do is have a think about re-classifying the friendship. Your not describing a close friend to me - maybe someone who is fun to hang out with. I would be lowering my expectations of her to what she has shown me.

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2024 08:26

But she didn't say she was sick - she said she didn't want to come because she didn't know people well. That doesn't mean she can't go do something in the same night either people she does.
Plus how do you know whether she knew people or not at the wedding? And a wedding is bigger occasion than a birthday!
I think your reply to her was petty and if you value the relationship at all just go. I'm sure we've all used pretty thin excuses to get out of some social engagements.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:30

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2024 08:26

But she didn't say she was sick - she said she didn't want to come because she didn't know people well. That doesn't mean she can't go do something in the same night either people she does.
Plus how do you know whether she knew people or not at the wedding? And a wedding is bigger occasion than a birthday!
I think your reply to her was petty and if you value the relationship at all just go. I'm sure we've all used pretty thin excuses to get out of some social engagements.

I still don’t think people are reading the thread correctly. She didn’t turn down my birthday in favour of a wedding

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:31

Just to clarify, I’m not annoyed at her for attending a wedding….

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 31/05/2024 08:32

A party with 30 friends at an Indian restaurant. Sounds awful. Still, rude to say "not feeling it".

If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. Don't treat it like revenge.

Hoppinggreen · 31/05/2024 08:32

You really need to move on from this party, first you were complaining about not getting enough presents and now you are fixating on one person who didn't come.
Do you have any positive memories of the evening to think about instead?

Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:36

If I don’t go to her party, what shall I say for an excuse? Or shall I just not turn up. Would it be awful to just not show? Do you think she’d notice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:37

Hoppinggreen · 31/05/2024 08:32

You really need to move on from this party, first you were complaining about not getting enough presents and now you are fixating on one person who didn't come.
Do you have any positive memories of the evening to think about instead?

This is a completely different thread from my one a few weeks back. I am merely asking for advice about whether to attend my friend’s party, not complaining about my ‘party’ per-se. I’d appreciate it if people could stick to the matter at hand.

OP posts:
JLT24 · 31/05/2024 08:38

Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:36

If I don’t go to her party, what shall I say for an excuse? Or shall I just not turn up. Would it be awful to just not show? Do you think she’d notice?

Just say you’re not feeling it. And don’t go. And cut off any further contact.Who cares if you’re missed or not? You’ve lost nothing she sounds like a crap friend.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:39

ZenNudist · 31/05/2024 08:32

A party with 30 friends at an Indian restaurant. Sounds awful. Still, rude to say "not feeling it".

If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. Don't treat it like revenge.

The Cosmo meal she was interested in attending was a similar number, and she actually knew more people at the Indian event, so her logic doesn’t make much sense to me really

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:39

JLT24 · 31/05/2024 08:38

Just say you’re not feeling it. And don’t go. And cut off any further contact.Who cares if you’re missed or not? You’ve lost nothing she sounds like a crap friend.

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A few days before or on the day? Xx

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/05/2024 08:42

Doglover321 · 31/05/2024 08:36

If I don’t go to her party, what shall I say for an excuse? Or shall I just not turn up. Would it be awful to just not show? Do you think she’d notice?

I'm afraid that no, she wouldn't notice op. Sorry.

Theredoubtableskins · 31/05/2024 08:43

For your birthday meal, how many of those 33 people were actually friends. Proper friends you speak to, spend time alone with, discuss each other’s lives with etc. And how many were randoms from an app you’ve occasionally said hi to?

It’s all a bit sad. And a bit desperate. Fine to have a meet up thing to try and meet new people and then, out of that, connect again with a few and make good friends. But to use it as a way to get 30 people to your birthday, when you hardly know them? Just all very desperate.