Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

But the thing is, it came across that it WAS a dig at her attending the wedding, which many of us here thought - she probably thought the same.
I think you either need to draw a line under this and accept she didn’t come to your meal for whatever reason, and move forward. If you can’t do that, I probably wouldn’t bother with her, it sounds like you have plenty of other friends so it depends how much she means to you.

This ⬆️

In another post you say you've only known this "close friend" for "just over a year".

She sounds like more of an acquaintance, if that. Like a PP says, it sounds like you like to collect/"host" strangers for events in your name over Meetup.

It all sounds very fake and like you're looking to create a certain impression of yourself over social media or something. Do you have many close friendships in your life from childhood/work/hobbies etc?

I really want a curry

Such drama! You’ve been friends for about a year, yes, so quite a new friendship really. You invited her to your birthday party, which wasn’t really a party that you were hosting but a meet up event with some people you knew personally and some you didn’t, where everyone bought their own meals and drinks and didn’t bring presents and cards.

Friend initially appeared quite keen to go but after thinking more about it, changed her mind for whatever reason and let you know. You told her to wait till the day to see how she felt, so she did. I can’t see what she did wrong.

You arranged another meet up. She would have liked to have come but had a wedding which you responded with passive aggressive remark.

She has invited you to her Birthday party. An invitation, not a summons. If you want to go then go. If you don’t want to go then decline. None of this needs all this drama.

How long have you been friends? Do you actually like this person? Honestly I think you need to cut your losses.

She told you earlier that week that it was unlikely they would join.
Maybe she has something totally, completely unrelated to you going on that is private and you are not privy to.

Maybe she decided to go outside to destress, a bbq spur of the moment with neighbours.

If you care about her buy her a present and go to her birthday.

You didn’t learn anything from your last thread, did you?

The world does not revolve around you.

I understand why you feel the way you do but
I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’
sounds really shitty………

I've not read all the replies.

If she didn't know anyone/ doesn't like big groups she should have said so from the start.

It's strange how she was so up for it. If there was another reason she should have been honest.

Those having a bbq is irrelevant as she wasn't saying she was ill etc.

If you want to go to her party go.

If you're concerned you don't know anyone tell her.

Don't not go just to prove a point.

Also weddings are different. You generally only have to speak to people on your table. Missing someone's wedding is a bigger deal than a birthday meal.

Yeah it's awful

Did you meet this couple in the app?

Why would someone pay to eat curry on a table of 30?

If it's for the social aspect you can't chat to everyone in that environment. Can you set limits to how many people you want?

I've never heard of such an app.

@rainbow126

She didn’t go to your “birthday” meal (at her own expense)

You can eat out for someone's birthday and pay for yourself. That's common isn't it?'

If you like dining out with people I can see the appeal of an app or group that brings people together to try out various restaurants. Sometimes you want to do something social but don't have the friends to do it with and this could fill the gap.

I don't get combining that with a birthday party though.

@Doglover321
I don’t understand why people are thinking she declined my birthday meal invite to go to a wedding….

The only person who thinks that is @gamerchick

Don’t go!

I'm autistic op. Have you considered you might be. You have one way of thinking and seem to have a plan with no leeway. You have an idea in your head and don't seem able to cope it changes.

Sign up to Meet Up and you too can go along to one of the OP's curry events and experience the drama live, first hand!

Course it is - but OP is acting like she’s really hard done by because this friend didn’t attend her “birthday” meal, which would be more reasonable if OP had actually been put out by the friend not attending (for example, if OP was out of pocket, or the dinner invitees were a small group of friends rather than 30 strangers).

OP considers friend’s non-attendance to be a personal slight as she isn’t accepting friend’s anxiety as a genuine excuse (for example, OP said that she doesn’t see how friend wouldn’t have been comfortable, and sent her that nasty message) when in reality, while OP can be disappointed her friend didn’t attend, it isn’t up to her to decide whether friend’s anxiety is “valid” or not.

Friend would be better off without OP to be perfectly honest. From OP’s posts it is clear why she relies on a meet-up app for company from strangers.

There seems to be a real lack of reading comprehension going in here.

OP had a big birthday curry that friend raved about then went ‘meh’ would rather be at a BBQ so gave a fake excuse about not knowing anyone (we know it’s fake because she has been to these things before and enjoyed, would know people, and has now planned similar for her own birthday).

OPs friend has previously been pissy when OP nearly backed out of something for a genuine reason so OP took pain killers and pushed through and went.

Now OP doesn’t want to go to friends meal partly out of understandable tit for tat and because she genuinely won’t know anyone and it’s a PITA to get there. So she’s trying to work out whether to;

• go anyway to be kind and not risk upsetting the friend.
• not go and be honest about not feeling like it due to not knowing anyone.
• not go and saying nothing.
• not go and make an excuse.

OP was a bit passive aggressive with the ‘thought you didn’t like …’ comment and looks like she’s trying to make sure she’s being reasonable in her behaviour now as the understandable urge is ‘f you. You didn’t put my birthday meal first’ but she wants to be reasonable.

THERE IS NO WEDDING INVOLVED!!

OP I think you could reasonably say ‘I was quite hurt that you didn’t come to my meal because of XYZ but now have planned similar. Although I was hurt, I didn’t say anything so as not to upset you. I genuinely don’t fancy this meal with lots of people I don’t know and the PITA journey. Im usually the kind of person that would make the effort anyway, but I don’t feel inclined to given what happened with my birthday. I hope you can understand and I hope you have a fantastic night.

I actually assumed you were male. From your writing style and your personality. Quite surprised this thread is by a woman.

@Foodusername

Na you're wrong

I think OP is one of those posters that could keep name changing and still be recognised.

😂

Absolutely. And it's not just the strange tendency to confuse largescale Meet Up events with birthday celebrations with actual friends, or the incredibly rigid and often outraged sense of birthday present 'etiquette' which simply doesn't mesh at all in the weird hybrid events the OP seems to be addicted to organising, yet to get very stressed out about.

It's the complete inability to take on board the fact that the vast majority of comments on here across multiple posts all asking about the same events, once they fully understand the 'hybrid' nature of these events, say the same thing -- this OP appears to have no theory of mind, to be confused between what constitutes actual friendships and Meet Up acquaintances, and to be prepared to consider that most people don't want to pay to go for a meal with a huge group of people split across several tables, most of whom are total strangers to them.