Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

Gosh this all feels as if we are back in the playground - you didn't come to my xyz so i am not going to go to your zyx.

Are you still going on about your bday? Jesus wept…

Maybe she didn't want to be in a bill splitting scenario. 33 people, potential for bill to get quite high, lots of drinks etc. I know that would put me off.

A Cosmo buffet is a set price and probably easy to pay for drinks separately. So not as stressful as order off menu and split scenario. She might be ok for money but might not like paying for people that like to drink and eat many courses etc

I think she sees you as less important to her, than she should be to you.

So you have to out the effort in, but she doesn't need to.

It's a curious self centredness, putting yourself first but also expecting others to put you first.

I would relegate her to being an acquaintance rather than a friend.

Oh god, I remember the previous threads!!

I wouldn’t go, sod that!

@OrderOfTheKookaburra she probably IS no more than an acquaintance!!!

This "friend" is probably is someone she seen or said hi to briefly at a handful of meetup events....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/othersubjects/5076360-to-think-birthday-etiquette-is-going-downhill

Is it the requirement of small bag of sweets or the book token that's putting you off attending OP?

P.s. If there was ever an advert for not using meetup these continuous threads are it...

Only she did know lots of people.

If it would be an effort to attend a party where you don't know people then yanbu to not go. If you would enjoy meeting new people then you should go.

You had 33 people at dinner, 2 friends not coming is really not a big deal. The fact friend knew 8 people and 1 had been invited to her Halloween party is irrelevant. Had it been dinner for 5 i would have felt they could have made an effort as completely changes the dynamic. But for a big group i wouldn't be bothered.

Your snarky text about wedding is the moat unreasonable thing about whole story. You should apologise for that at some point.

After reading the OP's post on this and the presents thread, I would make my excuses from her events as well.

She didn’t fancy hanging out with twenty strangers and had a barbecue at home instead - what on earth could the problem be??

You’re STILL banging on about this “birthday” meal where you booked a table in a restaurant and invited acquaintances and even strangers.

You went out for dinner and it happened to be your birthday - you didn’t host people in your home, or even provide food or drinks for anyone! This was a big event in your head only. For the love of good, let it goooooo.

Your friend should drop you for that passive aggressive text anyway - so unnecessary!! She didn’t go to your “birthday” meal (at her own expense) so isn’t allowed to make her own dinner at home??? Get a grip!!

I don't understand all this playground stuff via apps, and 'if you don't play with me, I won't play with you' mentality.
Why doesn't everyone just use their phone to have a conversation rather than 'communicating' on apps
We'll evolve to lose the ability to speak before long

Yes this. The bill splitting amongst 30 people is giving me anxiety 😅

I agree with this.

If I opt out of a social event, I'll have a nice time at home if I want thanks.

After that snipe about the wedding, I’d be amazed if you’re still invited tbh.

No, a small gift no more expensive than £10.

I think you should politely accept it if someone rsvps they won't be attending.

And actually, I'm one of those sticklers for doing what I say I will...I'm not fond of flakes.
BUT I must admit that crowded, expensive outings are low on my agenda. If I thought I wouldn't be missed I might well slither out of a thirty strong birthday meal.
At least she was honest and said she wasn't feeling it. A bullshit lie, like most people pedal out, would have been worse.

OP did your friend realise when you first asked her to this meal that it was a meetup that was open to the general public? If she originally thought it was a more intimate meal with friends that could be why she changed her mind.

A lot of people will see meeting with groups of friends and hosting a meetup that's open to anyone as two completely different things. It doesn't mean that they can't enjoy doing both but they aren't interchangable.

You seem to see no difference between the two things and that's not wrong but there is the potential for confusion with people that think differently.

I’ve already made clear that this lady is a close friend. I’ve been round their house for dinner just the 3 of us, slept over etc. We’ve been friends over a year and she came to my last bday meal. It would be helpful to read the thread first

To be fair, a wedding is very different to a random birthday. (Unless it was a significant birthday? But even then, it’s still not a wedding) Do you know whose wedding it was? Maybe it was a family wedding and she knew lots of the guests!

You regard her as a close friend but it sounds like she doesn’t regard you as the same. Most people wouldn’t dream of cancelling last minute saying “I’m not feeling it” to a close friend for a birthday meal. It’s so exceptionally rude.

But why shouldn’t they look “right as rain”? It would be different if she said she couldn’t go to your party because she sick and then turned up on social media photos but that’s not what happened.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who doesn’t even attend my birthday meal (without good reason of course), but even worse that they actually are prepared to lie to me about the reasons why. Cut her off and focus on your real friends.

I remember your previous threads too and wonder if you do tend to obsess over things and miss social cues.

I ran a Meetup group a few years ago and it was really good. I actually made and kept a few friends from it long after the group ended. I invited two of them who I have now known for 10 years to my birthday because they crossed from being Meetup acquaintances to actual friends along with a few other friends. In total 8 people attended my last birthday dinner.

My group sounded similar to yours and I never would have dreamed of sending out a blanket open invitation for my birthday- let alone expect gifts from people I barely know. I don’t even expect gifts from the ones I did know well ( although some did give me cards and thoughtful presents)

I wasn’t recording every minute detail of my birthday so I could judge who had got me gifts who hadn’t who had been able to make it and who hadn’t. I just enjoyed my birthday having a nice meal.

I honestly think you need to rethink your expectations for birthdays if it’s causing you this much stress.

I personally would not run a social Meetup again as I think after covid people’s expectations of what the group should facilitate have become a bit ridiculous. I noticed this after lockdown.