Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

Worried she will hold it against me if I don’t go! On one occasion where she invited me round for dinner my period started suddenly (I have endo). I rang her (more personal) and basically said I’m currently laid on the bathroom floor in agony and gave her a pre-warning that I might have to cancel if the pain doesn’t subside. She was really quite harsh and disbelieving in response. Thankfully I could go in the end because the pain did subside in time.

But she didn’t want to go OP!!! Maybe she just didn't fancy going? Thats allowed. Get over it.

I don’t understand why you needed more than 30 people there. Do I understand it correctly, that a lot of these people were from a social media app? At a sit down meal you wouldn’t even get to talk to most of them.

Anyway, I think you are being unfair and snippy with her. She didn’t wish to go, what’s the big deal?

So she politely declined cosmos and you message suggested she was disingenuous and wouldnt have attended cosmos anyway. And this was in view of other people???? Really unkind and rude.

Everyone has heard of Meetup, it's like saying Facebook or something 😂

That's her prerogative. She owes you nothing. A pay for yourself dinner for 30+ people, only some of whom she knows, is very much a take it or leave it sort of event. She might even change her mind about the Cosmo thing in the end.

Who even invites near-strangers or strangers to their birthday dinner? It's such a weird concept and I find it so strange that you'd be annoyed that she changed her mind. Maybe she just suddenly didn't want to leave home - maybe she was a bit short of cash - maybe her friends from out of town who she hasn't seen in years were in town and she didn't think you'd mind as you'd another 30 guests coming - who knows? But she's within her rights to not attend and within her rights to change her mind at a few days notice.

It was not exactly a very meaningful occasion for anyone else and it's not as if you were being hospitable about it. It would be different if it had been a small dinner you had cooked yourself for your 6 closest friends and she cancelled at the last minute.

And why wouldn't people refer to your earlier posts? It's related to the same occasion and your expectations of other people.

If your birthday is meaningful to you in future I'd suggest hosting a big proper party or small dinner or maybe go out for a meal with a small number of friends

Never used it and never heard of it until this OPs previous thread 🤣 I'd say the same if someone's threads were always centred on FB groups, like a commission for bringing people over to the app!

I've heard of meetup but not for a persons birthday party. It's usually more general groups based around a theme or activity.

A poll is null and void when you use 'friend' instead of 'someone I met recently' and 'birthday party' instead of 'meet up for strangers' .

If it was me, I'd think of her as someone who does what suits them and that this can include letting others down last minute if something no longer suits them, or cancelling if a better offer comes along and not putting themselves out for others. I'd be thinking that maybe I had thought of them as close friend, but they didn't see me that way.

Obviously her excuse to pull out of your birthday dinner was a pile of BS. I'd let that go, but know that you can't count on her for anything in the future. If you do arrange something that involves her, I'd make it an event where you can turn up if you want to and not if you don't and not really expect her to turn up at all if invited. I'd look at making new friends and concentrating on them. I wouldn't fall out with her or be rude, just focus on others a bit more.

I would attend her forthcoming party if I had already said I would as I like to be someone who keeps their word and commitments. Only a serious illness etc would change that. So I would go, politely greet her and spend the rest of my time talking to the new people. If the atmosphere wasn't great or I was bored/lonely I'd leave early with the excuse of not missing a train/unreliable car etc.

She is self-centred and showed this with her lack of concern and lack of belief when you were unwell - she was just cross with you for possibly inconveniencing her. Remember this and try to reframe her in your mind as just a friend, not a close friend.

You've missed the point of my comment entirely. The get a job in party planning was tongue-in-cheek, that's very obvious.

I do wonder why it is you won't accept what everyone is telling you - to chill the fuck out and get over it!

How do you know?

You're holding her non attendance to your meetup curry full of strangers against her though... don't be a hypocrite.

For what it's worth, you just sound like you want to fight with her and slag her off!

Why not just cool off and let the friendship die out if you've such a bad opinion of her.

Also I wouldn't have wanted to go, regardless of who I was sat next to.

Politely decline.

Have never heard of it till this thread, I had to Google it. Though to be fair, I have barely any time to meet my actual friends let alone strangers!

I would love to go for a curry for a friends birthday, I would not like to go for a curry with 30+ people of which most are strangers! A party where you can mingle would be better. At a meal you can only really talk to who you are next to and across from and sorting the bill for 30 people sounds like a nightmare.

I totally understand your frustration, it would annoy me if a close friend dropped out so close to an event for such a rubbish reason. However, I've been to a particular friend's night outs and ended up barely seeing her and sitting with people I don't know. It's put me off going again, because the whole point is to catch up with her, not to meet people I don't know. Perhaps your friend thought that it would be similar to that, and if at such a big party, she wouldn't be missed.

@Doglover32, I do actually think it's shit of your friend to have dropped out of the birthday dinner only 3 days beforehand after agreeing to it initially. But you said you've known her for over a year. Correct me if I'm wrong but that suggests it's not much more than a year, so less than a year and a half? That really isn't long enough for most people to count someone as a 'close friend' and I think this is your mistake.

Real friendships take years. This may be why she doesn't feel the need to prioritise you. I would say go to her party if you think you'd enjoy it but downgrade your expectations of her and reframe your relationship with her as an acquaintance who you have fun with and are still getting to know.

Equally, if you decide not to go, be better than her and give her reasonable notice. If it damages your friendship then that also supports the view that your friendship isn't that strong after all and you aren't losing what you think you are.

Sorry you are feeling so upset by all this.

Two choices.
Hold on to the non attendance, don't go to her meal in retaliation. Its starting a tit for tat scenario.
Choice two. Put it behind you. Accept that She gave you notice a few days before hand of why she didn't want to go to a 30 people meal, you urged her to overlook that and agreed she would tell you on the day. She did tell you.
She also let you know straight away that she was at a wedding for the other event (your reply was sarky). Its not like she was agreed to come but didn't bother turning up or telling you.

If she is a good friend generally, you run the risk of ruining the friendship by continuing this. If it keeps happening just tell her how you feel. Friends don't have to do everything and you have other people you can do these large meet ups with.

edited the bit about notice for the party

Do you have any actual friends, OP? I keep seeing these very needy posts from you wanting validation because your so-called friends are not meeting your requirements?

I can't imagine sending 'invitations' to all and sundry, wanting people to turn up to pay for themselves to celebrate your birthday and you're still going on and on about what other people should be doing.

It sounds exhausting to be around you. Maybe you are a good friend but you don't seem to have parameters yourself so perhaps the people you consider are friends are just 'not feeling it'?

Why do you keep posting the same thing? You're entitled to post what you want but it's excruciating to see these navel-gazing expeditions about what you refer to as 'friends'. Ask them, your friends. Ask them why they don't want to go to your events. They will actually know the answer.

This is sad. I really hope you do have a friend you can reliably talk to.

I think your definition of close friends is different to many people on here…that’s a fundamental problem for the rest of us in understanding your POV on anything!

One of the most important things I’ve learned as an adult is to acknowledge that whilst we all tend to judge ourselves by our intentions rather than our actions, we also tend to judge others by their actions rather than their intentions; and getting outside of your own head and trying to see things the other way around more often helps enormously with most social relationships.

Your friend no doubt had the intention for several months of coming to and enjoying your meal. Then it became imminent and she felt socially anxious, or stressed with work, or as though she couldn’t face putting on a brave face and being jolly with a lot of strangers, or any one of the very human emotions that people go through. But rather than try to see things as she intended, you’re only seeing the action and refusing to believe it came from anything other than a bad place. Try and think outside that box.

Ultimately I think you need to focus on developing and maintaining a small handful of close, solid, uncomplicated friendships with people you really like rather than all these somewhat strange, transient connections from Meet Up and other online sources, where there isn’t the investment you’re looking for and to which you’re taking a very transactional approach and attaching a lot more on your side than I suspect the other people feel for you.

My mouth drops further and further agape at every one of your replies, OP. There is something going on which is causing you not to get what people are overwhelmingly saying.

With kindness, I would like to suggest that you are very possibly neurodivergent. I am autistic and ADHD myself so it's not an insult at all. I'm not trying to diagnose you at all, just suggest it as something that seems possible and worth looking into.

You keep replying in very rigid, literal ways to what people are saying, as opposed to responding to the actual meaning of their comments. You seem extremely puzzled and affronted by things which most people are interpreting as completely normal and non-issues. You seem genuinely to not believe that your public comment to your friend of "I thought you didn't like meals with big groups?" comes across as incredibly harsh and like you're trying to publicly embarrass her (what do you imagine she might reply, and how she might feel reading that publicly?). Also, you seem consumed by these details of events and situations that are in the past, and don't materially effect you any more (such as how many people got you presents, and who didn't).

I list these things to try and help you see the ways in which a possible neurodivergence might be causing you to perceive things (particularly social things) in a different way, how this could be causing you difficulties, and to suggest that exploring this might help.

Also, do you even want to keep doing these big social events? Especially in a organisational capacity? It seems to bother you an awful lot when people act in ways you think are "wrong" or unexpected. Being a host/organiser for these meet up things and other big social activities is best done when you can have a bit more of a "water off the duck's back" approach and are able to let the small stuff go. I'm not suggesting you're not capable of that. It might be something you want to try to cultivate.

I’ve read so many threads about your birthday curry meal.

I have just found your other thread, OP, about whether you ruined your mum's afternoon re the day spa thing. It sounds like you are living in a thoroughly abusive situation and I wonder whether you've grown up with the same level of abuse from your mum. It somewhat feels like a bit of an explanatory missing piece if you've grown up with such emotional fraughtness, never knowing what you've done wrong or why. Just know that people care and want to help you work out these struggles!