Unreliable friend’s party - what would you do?

[Doglover321]

Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice. A few months ago, I organised and booked to go to a local curry house to celebrate my birthday. 33 people - including my good friend R and her partner A - said they could attend. As time went on, R kept telling me how excited she was and how good the curry looked.

However, a few days before we were due to meet, she dropped out, saying her and A ‘don’t know the others very well’. This wasn’t exactly true. She knew myself and 8 others, and one of these 8 she even invited round her house for a Halloween party. I attempted to reassure her that she did know others and even said I would sit next to her and A, but she still wasn’t budging. I said to wait and see if you’re up for it on the day and let me know. She messaged on the day saying they’re ‘not feeling it’ and then I see pictures of them on social media posing next to the barbecue, cooking lamb kebabs.

I have since organised a trip to Cosmo Buffet, open to all through the Meetup app. She has seen one of my advertisements and said she’d love to go but has a wedding. I responded to her with: ‘enjoy the wedding. Thought you didn’t like meals where you don’t know people well?’ Nothing back

Now, HER birthday is next month at a social club and I GENUINELY won’t know anyone and will be attending alone. What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to be petty, but also don’t agree with her behaviour. It’s not as though they don’t like Indian food either. R loves Indian and A IS Indian!

TIA for any comments xx

Yes, it would be awful to just not turn up - don't lower yourself.

If you don't want to go - just say you've got something else on that night, unless you've already said yes.

If you've already said yes, then I would just go and leave early if you're not having fun.

If you really can't bring yourself to do that & it is very close to the date - then it will just have to be the headache excuse or similar.

Definitely don't mention your birthday or use the same excuse she did as tit for tat.

I’d just do it now and get it over and done with if you’ve decided you’re not going. No need for games or drama so no need to wait to tell them.

I’ve said before that myself and R are friends. I went round theirs for dinner and on a separate occasion I stayed the night. She also invited me to her birthday last year and I invited her to mine. We exchange clothes when we grow out of/get bored of them. Etc etc.

You’re grossly overthinking this and being extremely judgmental. You have no idea why she didn’t want to come out on the night of your birthday. The point is, attending wasn’t mandatory and she was perfectly within her rights to not go, and she gave you plenty of notice but you still tried to pressure her.

I used to have panic attacks and would regularly make excuses to not attend things if I wasn’t feeling up to it. There were not many people that I’d say “I’m feeling really anxious today and I’m scared that leaving the house will tip me over the edge” to. I’d usually say I had a migraine or some other more socially acceptable excuse.

It’s sad that people can’t just say “I’m not coming, thank you” and that be enough of a reason. Instead we have to make excuses to stop people getting arsey. Go to her party if you want to, or don’t go if you’d rather not. But don’t do it out of pettiness and spite.

Thank you!

Just say you're sorry but you can no longer make it and you hope she haa a lovely time.

It would be rude to not turn up. Are you trying to be rude?

Okay, I’ll definitely let her know :)

Thanks again everyone who has given courteous advice/read the thread properly. Have a good weekend! Xx

Yourself and R may be friends but you weren't friends with the vast majority of the other people at your birthday meal. This is what makes it all a bit odd and likely that R didn't want to go, as it's basically having a meal out with a load of strangers on the presence of celebrating your birthday. I'm struggling why you can't see that.

What about the other 32 people you invited to your birthday?

As I’ve said before, she’s also a member of the Meetup app and used to host her own Meetups with strangers. Her birthday last year was with ‘strangers’. She has since got to know these strangers and become friends with them, even inviting one of them to her house for a Halloween party. She was friends with me and friends with 8 others who attended my meal.

Op, I'm sad for you, as it's clear from all your threads, that you're desperately lonely, and just want friends. Which is very normal. You keep a tally chart of interactions and once it goes over a couple of things, you seem to move that person from the strangers list and in to a friend list.
But then get super down when they don't see you the same way.

Ironically, to make friends, you actually need to back off. You do the friendship equivalent of love bombing. It's not real.

I think you've said you're from a different culture before, so - the text you sent, was extremely rude and passive aggressive. It wasn't funny if that was what you were going for.

With so many people there, she might have thought it didn't make much difference whether she went or not.

Also - were you hosting it - as in paying for the meal? It sounds like everyone was expected to pay for themselves, so it wasn't really a party where she was letting you down. It might have been on the occasion of your birthday but it sounds more like a regular night out and so dropping out of that is very different to not coming to something where the person inviting people has put some effort into hospitality for guests.

Are you the same person who was upset that no one brought you presents to the curry buffet?

To be honest, I did similar recently. I didn't go to my friends birthday celebration. There were too many people going. I knew some of the people but still didn't feel comfortable. That said, I would go to a wedding as it is a special event, and most likely, I would be going with my dh. I think your comment was a bit nasty, and I wouldn't bother with you again. You've judged without speaking to your friend properly. I had a good chat with my friend, why I felt I couldn't attend and we've arranged something else.

Isn’t ‘love bombing’ constant private messages, constantly wanting to hang out, not reading their cues, etc? I don’t do that. People actually get peed off because I don’t respond fast enough to them if it’s a private message thread.

I’m also not from a different culture. I’m England born and raised.

I am going to stop commenting now because I think people have got the wrong end of the stick and CBA to keep correcting. Xx

Who spends months planning and discussing a meal out for a birthday?

And tbh your text was rude and if I was her I'd back off the friendship - someone sending a sarky comment like that is just so needy, like they're scrutinising everything I've said. She doesn't owe you anything, and nobody wants to be friends with people who contradict them/call them out.

She dropped out of a night out - it's no big deal, you don't even know what else was going on with her that motivated that. In general, we're friends with people when we can enjoy ourselves with them but this all sounds so transactional and judgemental. Go to her party if you think you'd enjoy it, don't if you don't want to but really if she's the kind of person who cancels easily then that's her style, and you can do the same if you want.

I don’t understand why people are thinking she declined my birthday meal invite to go to a wedding….

R as well. She sent out invites in November 2023. Her birthday isn’t until June 15th 2024.

I don’t think they mean she declined your birthday to go to a wedding. The way I’ve read the responses is they would decline someone’s birthday meal but would be less likely to decline a wedding invite.

Are you the same poster who moaned you didn't get enough birthday presents?

This shit is all so petty, just grow up your not 12.

Meet up groups timed around the organiser's birthday simply are not the same as a normal birthday party. They just aren't.

I tried meet ups a few years ago, so I know of what I speak. Nice enough people, but absolutely not the same as going out with friends that I've known for years and met through normal life channels.
I absolutely would not prioritise a meetup birthday event in the way I would a birthday party where the guests are people I've known for years and where the relationships started and grew organically.

People aren’t misunderstanding and thinking that she went to a wedding in favour of your birthday. They’re bringing up the wedding because you used the fact that she went to a wedding to try and score a point to her saying “I thought you didn’t like big meals with people you don’t know?” when you heard she was going to a wedding.
Although it’s possible you meant your comment in response to her saying she would’ve liked to come to Cosmo Buffet but couldn’t due to the wedding. However, the important thing to remember is that she didn’t come to Cosmo Buffet, she may have said she’d like to- but she might have just been saying this to be polite, knowing she couldn’t come anyway due to the wedding.
OP, you’ve said you’re good friends and have had a meal just the three of you, also mentioned a Halloween party she had with people she knew. But have you known her spend time with a large group where she doesn’t know everyone? Seems she genuinely “isn’t feeling” that. It’s not everyone’s vibe.
If you wanted to celebrate your birthday with her you could’ve invited her for a quiet meal/coffee/drink just the two of you, if you’re close friends, rather than involve all the randoms (you can do your meet up too, separately).
Regarding whether you go to her party- it simply comes down to whether you want to or not. Don’t worry about point scoring, tit for tat.

(Also have to say I’m dying laughing at the “shadows” in the back of the photos which could’ve been their neighbours… It’s all a bit intense, OP).

So that's how you treat your close friends? By leaving a sarcastic comment. You need to apologise.

Do you want to go to the party? If it is something you will enjoy go. If it is an effort you are making for your friend then I wouldnt bother as party where i know nobody is too hard for me.

Why arent any of the 8 mutual friends from your birthday invited? Sounds like they aren't her friends and perhaps not her kind of people.

The response to her wedding chit chat is shit. Very passive aggressive, I would be careful not to send any messages like that again and if it comes up apologies.

There are many possible reasons she may not have been comfortable attending your birthday meal and that is also ok. She didn't lie and say ill, she didn't ditch you for better offer. She didn't fancy it and that is ok.