Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

I did it once in a shop - I asked the mum
if she was ok and offered to help her. It sort of worked in that she knew she was observed and we had a short friendly chat. So I didn’t tell her off or anything just made her stop?

You have no right to intervene if you believe someone is speaking "harshly" (in your opinion) to their children, anymore than they have a right to intervene if they see you parenting in a way they disagree with.

If you suspect genuine neglect or abuse then that is entirely different.

There was definitely an element of this. I know airports are stressful places to be with kids and none of us are at our best but that’s also not the kids fault. I think the are you ok? approach is probably a good one if they think you can relate mum to mum and offering to help but I didn’t have my kids with me and she was just stood behind me in a queue.

I saw a woman yelling at her kids (unfairly imo) a little while ago.

I said to her 'do you think it's working, yelling at them like that?'

I got a massive gobful back lol calling me all the names under the sun. Seemed to make her more angry with the kids afterwards.

So, honestly I don't think it's always beneficial.

@Willtheraineverstop I wouldnt mind taking the gobful so much but do think there’s a risk of escalating the situation in a negative way for the kids if not done carefully. This mum said (quietly) something to them along the lines of “now look what you’ve done, everyone is looking at you” after the man challenged her and ultimately it only made her more angry.

@neverbeenskiing I appreciate that there’s a lot of subjectivity around it but I can only go by my own conscience and I felt horrible for those kids and horrible that I didn’t say or do anything. It’s not so much what I have a right to do but what we all have a responsibility to do I think.

In general people who think it is ok to speak to their kids that way are likely to be just as unpleasant towards you if you try to speak up for them, and as you say being challenged can cause their anger to escalate and make things worse for the poor kids. Unless they are crossing the line into what would be legally recognised as abuse then I'm afraid there's nothing much you can do.

What were the kids doing and what did the mum do/say that you deemed harsh,OP?

I thought my brother was speaking to my nephew really harshly once and stepped in. Turns out the tiny thing i'd seen/heard was just the last in a long line of them throughout the day.

Now as a step-parent i get it.

Unless it's really bad, i'd never step in again as i have no idea what's went on beforehand.

I think we all shout at out kids at some point. Nobody is perfect. You're seeing them at one moment in their life, I don't think you can judge them based on that. Obviously it's a different matter if they are being hit or you know the family and see it happening all of the time. I would say something then, but otherwise I'd keep my beak out.

I think you have to be mindful that often you have no idea of what’s gone on that day/ what the parent is going through and often as a parent despite trying to remain calm through whatever behaviour/stressful situation you are dealing with with your child the last thing you want is to be made to feel guilty/or worse than you already feel. And despite all of our best efforts every parent will on occasion, lose it with their children and a stranger saying something like ‘do you think it’s working’ is clearly always going to add fuel to the fire so to speak. I’d rather someone approached it from a place of kindness and ask if I was ok or needed help rather than feel that I’m being berated for trying to get through a stressful situation that you have no knowledge or context of

On holiday last year I was on a bus journey when a young mum kept slapping her very young child. I didn't speak her language and she pretended not to understand me and was quite aggressive back. The whole situation was horrible. I'm still glad I said something though.

I once witnessed a mother in a restaurant treating her daughter in the most awful way. I'm pretty sure that girl has a horrible life (the mother mentioned what she'd do to her when they got home and what she does to her). I had absolutely no idea what to do. My blood ran cold, my heart was pounding. I felt paralysed. The mother and daughter left minutes afterwards so I didn't have time to plan what to do. It happened about 6 years ago and still haunts me.
To be honest, I don't think I could have said anything to change how that mother is. Yes I should have called the police because I'm certain there's abuse there but she was a random stranger. I didn't know her name or address. She disappeared quickly. I still don't know what I'd do if the same thing happened again.

I do wonder what a kid might think if adults just stand back and ignore. Of course we don’t want anything to get worse but a friendly ‘are you ok’ or ‘airports are a nightmare’ has to be ok surely

As far as I could tell, and as someone said I only saw a snapshot, the kids were whining and arguing with her and each other. She was telling them to shut their mouths, threatening to smack them and called one of them a ‘f*ing idiot’.
On the flight this seemed to continue. I wasn't sitting close enough to hear but could see her pull them both out of their seats and hit them both on the bum- not hard, seemed to be more to embarrass or shock them or just follow through on her threat than to actually hurt them but she didn’t seem out of control or at her wits end which made me worry this is just how she treats them all the time.

Good lord, it's none of your business!

The kids may have driven her mad by their behaviour. A mum from school gave me an evil look the other day for shouting at my child and has given me the freeze ever since. She'd just shot out onto the main road on her bike and was about to do it again so I said if she didn't listen I'm taking away the bike. Sorry if that offends someone else......

@SallyWD isn't it the most horrible feeling? I’ve vivid memories of being on holiday as a child and being really upset at how one of my new little holiday friends and her siblings were treated by their parents but even though I told my parents and so many adults witnessed it nobody did or said anything. I think it sort of haunts me tbh.

I think your concern is commendable OP but it is none of your business.
You can’t fix everyone or everything. Harsh but true.

@MotherOfCrocodiles i would think it was strange if a parent didn’t shout after a child who was about to shoot into the road

but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something

To be blunt, it's not about you.
If someone is yelling at their kids, either they are like that all the time. In which case you'll just get abuse back. Or it's someone at the end of their rope (for whatever reason) and you saying something will make them feel even more shit.

My dad was abusive. Someone did try to intervene once. I just got it worse when we got home as it was apparently my "fault" for making him lose his temper in the first place.

Just stay out of it.

Would you judge my neighbour, when she was pushing a toddler down the street in a pushchair and hadn’t bothered to strap them in. The toddler had sort of stood up and turned round the wrong way and she snarled at her ‘if you don’t sit down I’ll slit your fucking throat’?

@EmpressSoleil this is what I was afraid of tbh. The well intentioned intervening stranger actually making it worse for the kids ultimately

How is that not abusive by anyone’s definition?

This is really difficult op. On two occasions dh and I have reported abusive behaviour from parents to their children, but not approached them. For me I noted their vehicle registration as the family left a supermarket and reported to the police. DH rang police as he was witnessing a very drunk father telling off his young daughter. On both occasions the police were very helpful. So I suppose then, get as much detail as you can next time, and report. As pps have pointed out, not the best plan to confront an already volatile situation, but make the relevant authorities aware if possible.

Everyone has off days and I think you need to cut the parents some slack. Maybe the kids needed a telling off? Maybe it had been a very stressful day. You don't know that families dynamics. If it's abusive (screaming obscenities in their face) or a family you see often and the kids are always treated like dirt then maybe ask if you can help- otherwise interfering is not helpful.