Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

Yes this. Our attitude to safeguarding children in the UK is really poor.

My DH stepped in once when a kid next to us was picking up fists full of gravel and throwing it at other kids in the playground the parents we were nowhere to be seen until my DH stood up and told him to stop and say "don't do that, you'll hurt someone" "put it down"

Next thing we had the most massive 6ft muscled man hurling abuse at my DH and we had to make a hasty exit.

So for me never again!

I heard a nasty piece of work recently tell his son he wasn't listening at all until he spoke in his 6 year old voice and if he continued to mutter he would take him straight back to mums house.

I was guessing the Disney dad day had worn off a bit, the guy after telling him off just stayed at his phone the whole meal.

Wow. What a shitty attitude this is.

This^
very wise approach. You don’t know what’s going on and sometimes harsh words are the only way to stop behavior immediately (depends on level of harshness of course) and the airport situation is not the one for long and slow parenting approaches.

Were not talking about adults 'rowing'. Were talking about a situation where you're concerned for the safety of someone, just like OP was concerned for the children she saw today. In both scenarios the reason for the concern is because of the words and actions of someone bigger and stronger than them and of whom they're clearly afraid.

I'm genuinely confused as to why you'd seem to have sympathy for the aggressor in one scenario but not the other. People would be rightly appalled if you victim blamed a woman but its fine when it's a child? They must have done something to provoke the poor stressed out parent who can't possibly be expected to control their own emotions or temper?

Recently, there was me and my dc both climbing on a frame, and just other mum with two children (5 and younger, I'd say) in the same playground. They weren't very near us but being the only other people there I was quite aware of them.

So her older child climbed down a tube type slide and started crying very loudly. I think she went upside down or similar and hurt herself. The mum started shouting and slapped her and then shouted some more. Then dragged them both out of the park. I was too shocked to react.

I think @Newgirls suggestion is actually quite effective. But obviously won't always work.

It depend on which country you were in.

It's not against the law in England or NI as far as I know?

Sorry, I’ve posted before seeing this update.
Yes, in this situation it’s ok to intervene and point out to this Mum that HER behaviour is out of order.

The ban cannot come soon enough.

My best advice if you care about those children, is say nothing. You will not teach the parent, inspire them or shame them into change. What you will do is anger them and make them defensive. And who do you think is liable to take the brunt of that for 'showing them up' when you've gone on your merry way? If you see violence, intervene. If you see reportable abuse, report it. But otherwise, don't risk making things worse for those children. Look into the causes of poor parenting and donate to causes trying to address it if you want to make a difference.

But as a poster on here has said, someone challenging her mother made her realise that there was something wrong - that the way she was being treated was unacceptable. That can be life changing for abused children.

It was in Spain and it is illegal here.

I wonder why the law on this is different in different parts of the UK. Doesn’t seem to make sense.

Honestly I would stay out of it.

Either the parent is abusive in which case you will have made it worse for the kids because the kids will have it taken out on them.

Or the parent is for some reason very stressed, maybe pushed to their limits and is probably already ashamed of their behaviour and will be upset with themselves once they have calmed down and you coming along telling them off for yelling or saying something harsh is only going to make them even more stressed. In which case all you have achieved is kicking someone when they are down.

Quite possibly. But I don't think had I spoken up the first time it would have made any difference, other than that me and my dog may have been hurt. I was not going to confront an aggressive man holding a tennis racquet.

This is such a hard question and it’s happened twice. The first time we were in Legoland and a mum slapped her daughter across the face and I was so shocked that I just shouted at my DH ‘OMG she just slapped her in the face’ and she hurried off.

I thought about it for years and always felt I should have done more. Then about a month ago, at my DS’s swimming lessons a boy about 7 was crying about going in the pool. His mother went wild at him. They were in a cubicle but I could hear absolutely everything as she was screaming her head off.

I heard her slap him and him scream, she was threatening him to take him to the ‘naughty boys home’. She was calling him horrible names too and in the end he was begging to go in the pool but she had flipped so hard she had lost control of herself.

I phoned my DH in a panic and asked him what to do. He said I should report it (I live in Wales where smacking is illegal) and as I went to do this, she came out of the cubicle so I meekly said ‘oh he doesn’t want to go in this week does he’ and the mother used it as an opportunity to shout at him more before dragging him out of the building with no shoes or socks and still in his swimming pants.

I hate her and every week I look out for her and dream about screaming in her face, slapping her and dragging her across a tarmac car park.

I did report her to the leisure centre staff and they did nothing, so I reported the staff and asked for them to receive safeguarding training.

I did report her to the leisure centre staff and they did nothing, so I reported the staff and asked for them to receive safeguarding training

Well done! Safeguarding children is all of our business and that is the first rule of any safeguarding training.

You are again spectacularly missing the point. And rewriting the script. You asked how I'd react to a man fighting with a woman and now say this isn't relevant. The OP described a mother 'speaking harshly' to her children, nothing physical. What precise adult male and female scenario was in your mind when you compared the situations you say are no longer comparable?

The aim of intervention is to cool the situation so that the children are no longer in jeopardy. I'd intervene with sympathy for the mother in order to create a better situation for the child who is vulnerable. I would show kindness to the mother as a strategy for calming her down, so she doesn't increase the hostility.

The OP described a mother 'speaking harshly' to her children, nothing physical.

You obviously didn't read the thread properly. The parent hit the children on the plane.

The apologists for child abuse on this thread are really turning my stomach. I hope that the decent people on here carry on challenging and looking out for children.
I have to leave the thread as I am finding it rather distressing for various reasons.

Well it’s illegal to smack your kids so totally reasonable to intervene.

Similar to an early poster, I tend to say: “Is everything ok?” I don’t say: “Are you ok” due to the possibility of someone taking offence at me insinuating there is something wrong with them specifically.

I once saw a dad being abusive to his wife and child in town. The child looked terrified and ran ahead of the parents, the wife said nothing and looked down at the ground. I caught up with the child and as I passed him, I told him the way his dad just treated him was not ok and to please tell his teachers. I hope he did. I wanted to intervene but the dad was terrifying and I didn't want to make it worse for the boy.

Well done and also know that had you rung the police they would have taken you seriously and been similarly critical of the leisure centre approach to safeguarding. I think sometimes people don't think the police will have the time or inclination to take these calls seriously so dont bother but they have officers dedicated to this stuff and rely on calls like these and people like you who bother to do the right thing.

I was at the zoo with my DD when a woman nearby started really shouting at her toddler and manhandling him back in a double pram (also had a tiny baby). He wouldn't stop running away from her and was kicking off that she was trying to contain him in the pram. I did think she was on the verge of hitting him. I went over, didn't ask if she was ok (she clearly wasn't), but did say "let's go and get a coffee" and steered her towards the coffee kiosk.

Turns out she had 5 kids, between 7 and 4 weeks old. Her husband had left her a month earlier before the baby was born and she hadn't seen or heard from him since. This was the first time she had left the house with the kids and was trying to do something to cheer them all up. The kids had all decided to go feral on her on that day (I hadn't seen the older 3 at first because they were all off running in different directions). We had a coffee. I bought the kids an ice cream. I said it was probably because they were stressed and overwhelmed too. It didn't mean they hated her. She wasn't a shit mum. She was at breaking point. We walked around the zoo together for an hour or two before I had to leave to pick up my older DC.

I often think about her and hope she is ok. I'm glad I stepped in and I'm glad I didn't go in all judgy and telling her off.

Sometimes it really is the best thing just to ring the Police, and explain what is happening. They can look into the situation properly.

I did it once - to a friend - I couldn’t sit back and see the way she treated her kids and I told her so - she was very overwhelmed and stressed but she went way over the top, not for the first time! We remained ‘friendly’ afterwards but it wasn’t the same. I don’t regret it for a minute!