Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

This is not even remotely similar to some of the examples on the thread.

I think whilst you should be very aware that you are only seeing a tiny snapshot and have no idea what a parent is going through I do feel there are times when it's wrong to look the other way. Being judgemental is not OK but intervening is necessary at times and a conversation along the lines of are you OK is a good way to go about it. If you don't have your children with you a simple I remember how tough it was when my child was that age is a good way to let them know you are also a parent and that you are not judging but subtly highlighting that their behaviour is not OK to the point that you a random stranger have started a conversation with him/her. How the conversation goes from there then depends on their reaction but at least you/the children will know you tried

Through my job I've made lots of safeguarding concerns when they've been disclosed by a parent or child.

I have seen parents being very verbally and emotionally abusive towards their dc when I've been out in public (park or street). I haven't stepped in because (ashamedly) I've thought I would make it worse for the child and the parent could turn on me when I had my own dc with me.

I did report to a security guard in a shop once when a parent was being aggressive and then stood back and let him deal with it.

Gosh I wish I had not opened this thread. Some of these stories are heartbreaking

Before I found out what was wrong, the woman's behaviour was as bad as that described in the OP... So I shared my experience of stepping in. Or are we only sharing stories where the mum is being a bitch and deserves to be shamed?

I said something to a mum on holiday abroad who was screaming at her young child, little girl aged 5 or 6 , on and on
she went , this is why we can’t take you anywhere , you don't deserve to go somewhere nice you don’t deserve anything , your this , that, really horrible stuff on and on the little girl was crying and cowed down on a seat next to me on a ferry. People were looking but no one said anything.
I could only listen for so long very hard to see this child being verbally abused so I’d heard enough and rounded on her. There was another woman with them who looked mortified to be fair but did nothing or said nothing so I said something to her too, she did look like she agreed with me but had let it go on . The mother did shout at me but for me the red mist had descended and so I stood my ground just repeated what I thought I hope the other lady spoke to her later about her behaviour or intervened in that child’s life Poor wee soul. Maybe it’s my Scottish upbringing but I couldn't let it carry on, I hate child cruelty.

I lost my temper with two of my kids today. We were walking home, and they wouldn't stop fighting.

I was trying to get home as quickly as possible, as their autistic brother had very obviously had enough and was getting cross, but they were dragging their feet, picking at each other, screeching and telling tales. I told them umpteen times nicely that we needed to get home and to leave each other alone.

Then their brother started trying to eat random plants (we were on a foot path with tall grasses and wildflowers either side) that I had to wrestle off him, and they were still bickering and fighting and telling me who did what, and I lost it and gave them a loud bollocking about how I needed to concentrate on their brother not eating things and they needed to get along or ignore each other and stop distracting me, because I'd had enough of it.

My finest parenting moment? No, I felt like shit seconds later. But I had really had it at that point. The worst punishment that happens in our house is removal of a device or pocket money.

Why isn't being judgemental ok? If you see someone being verbally or physically abusive to anyone BE JUDGMENTAL. That's what your conscience is for. That's what laws are for. That's what protections and services are there for.

Anyone abusing their power to harm someone else deserves to be judged and parents don't get some kind of exemption from the rules on acceptable treatment of other people.

Was it? The mum in the OP was calling her child a fucking idiot and I think then hit them on the plane.

in your story someone was manhandled into the buggy (standard procedure on most days out) and a voice was raised and you are making a pretty bold assumption she MIGHT have hit her children if you weren’t there. Which is a big claim.

I've done this too when I saw a parent being downright mean to a little girl who wasn't doing anything wrong. I read somewhere that asking the parent if they are okay is the best thing to do. It's not confrontational but it clearly signals to the child that you, and therefore perhaps other/most people, don't think the parent's behaviour is normal or acceptable.

I was the child 40 years ago everyone around me knew I was being mistreated I asked for helpl constantly family teachers I even rang childline once
she bit me once left a mark showed a teacher still nothing done I was around 5 then x

I’m so sorry to hear that. We all have a responsibility to keep kids safe imo. How did those adults around you live with their consciences?

I say not judgemental because you are only seeing a tiny snapshot of their parenting, maybe they have just had devastating news and acting very out of character. I agree though that I should have worded my post better, if it becomes clear after starting the conversation that this isn't out of character then yes I'd judge them then and I likely wouldn't hold back in informing them of my opinion. Also if they are being physically abusive that would also change my reaction. I'd based my original reply on witnessing verbal abuse as even the best of us can sometimes lose our cool when the kids are being whiny and tell them to shut up

Oh Motherland that’s so horrifically awful , hope you’re doing ok now. Hugs to you and the little girl you were.

I reported my neighbour to ss for screaming at his kid and I could Hear him through the wall. The kid is 5. My report was the last in the series of issues and he's had custody removed

When you report something like this you never know that it might be the final piece of the jigsaw needed to get that kid to safety. I know I'm like a broken record now so I'll stop but if anyone is ever in doubt, just ring the police. You won't regret ringing, you're not wasting their time and you never know what a difference you might be making for that child.

Oh sorry I didn't realise you were there too and saw everything with your own eyes.

I'm just curious @BoxFoxSocks did you ask any of the children at any point if they were OK or just the mum?

Exactly.

Absolutely ridiculous now parents can't even tell of their children too much in public.

Define “too much”.

Would you have been fine with hearing a child being called a “f*ing idiot” and threatened with being hit?

My mother was a 'public displays of violence' type... so I was that kid that folk thought 'should I say something'...

If a parent is abusive in their handling/care of their child, you saying something isn't going to improve things unless:

1/You can report something tangible to the police or SS. A location, a car reg, an address.
2/They are actually about to kill the child and you can stop them.

For most people in most instances, neither of the above are true and I can tell you, as the child of that parent, when someone approaches your Mum, mid 'pants down bum smacks' in Asda and says 'is that really necessary'... its TEN x worse when you get home. It's all 'you showed me up in public', smacked arse, smacked face and bed with no dinner, at best.

There were days she'd appear fine in public, but we'd have mucked about (nothing truly awful, we didn't dare! It could be the wrong look or tone of voice)... she'd not say a word. But as soon as we got in the car she'd change, like someone flipping a switch, because we'd drawn attention to ourselves and thus her, but she'd felt she couldn't do anything in public lest someone say something. So then she'd be vile all the way home, ramping it up until we got in the door. Then the first one to open their mouth (usually me) would get a backhander across the face, no matter what it was we were saying!

Abusive parents either do not know how to not be abusive - in which case you saying something does nothing to stop them.

Or, they do not WANT to stop being abusive... in which case you saying something does nothing to stop them.

So if you know where they live or their car reg or you've got video evidence you can hand in... report it (please do, there were SO many people who knew something and could have made a meaningful report and didn't and at 44 I am still angry that they didn't!)... but otherwise, don't.

I think this depends on context. What sounds harsh will vary, and to be honest if the child was doing something dangerous then I can see why the parent might shout/be stern when correcting them. For example, if the child was about to jump over a barrier at the airport and try running into the airfield, that's quite dangerous and I would expect the parent to pull the child up on that. Obviously not talking about hitting, but in this case "speaking harshly" would make sense.

For just being normal kids and getting spoken to like the devils spawn? Not so much, although I don't think I would intervene as it doesn't necessarily show neglect and could escalate the situation.

Gosh @WiddlinDiddlin I'm so sorry for what you went through.

Anyone who sees a child getting hit in a supermarket should report it. There will be cctv. I'm shocked and so sad people didn't more to help you.

@CountFucula
I was coming in to say this too. Depending on the age of the child I might tell them it’s not ok to be treated like that and hope they confide in a teacher or other trusted adult.

@Katiemonkey15 I completely agree! His wife had died and he was not a fit parent before she died and he's not a fit parent now!

My conversation with the social worker went like this

'Hi I'd like to report my neighbour, I can hear him screaming at his kid through the wall in my house and the houses are Victorian with a really really thick wall between, I can hear his kid screaming back and it's awful'

'Right and how old is the kid? Because it's not a crime to shout at a teenager'

'He's 5'

'5?! I thought you were going to say 15!!'

I don't care if this is outing, however he took his child on holiday before social services had a chance to talk to him and the travel rep at the hotel in turkey called 2 social service departments in the uk to report his parenting and the travel company refused to let him leave the gate with his child when they came to travel home. On arrival in the uk he was arrested and his child was removed (off to name change )