Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

I’m just going off your story!

This happened to me nearly 2 years ago and didn't say anything and I regret it and often think about the situation and I so wished I had said something 😕.
The parents were horrible to their daughter who was about 4 years old. It happened in the hotel pool early morning. It went on and on. Then same evening we were all on same flight home (12 hours) the couple sat behind us. 4 year old and baby fell asleep almost immediately then 10 hours later woke up which was fine. Then the parents started again at the 4 year old It was horrible. I was sat with my children x2 girls late teens they were horrified my husband and other teenager were on row opposite. People could hear just gave odd glance behind.
What I think about is the way they were talking to their daughter in front of people (which was horrendous) and what they are like with her behind closed doors .....that upsets me more than anything.

So my answer to you is "yes I would say something "

On a day out recently I heard a mum, who was at the top of a bank in the woods with her 2 daughters having a huge go at them, something like “who’s idea was it to come up this fucking bank” (it wasn’t very high up so not sure what the issue was). Her language to them was horrible, but she then shouted to a man who I assume was the father, standing at the bottom to give the girl a smack when she got back down. This sent the girl into hysterics.
I kind of quiet.y muttered please don’t hit her, but I think he heard me and immediately told her he wasn’t going to. I’ve thought about her a lot. I get feeling at your wits end and losing it, but the language and actions seemed familiar to her. Made me quite sad.

If I see someone abusing their child, and that includes emotional abuse, I will say something. I feel too guilty not to. People need to know that it isn't acceptable. Same if I see someone mistreating an animal.

Im
sorry @WiddlinDiddlin x

And I actually think it's crappy advice to ask the mum if she's okay if she seems like she's abusive. Abusive parents love to feel like the victim and like they've got an excuse (tough day, stress etc) to be abusive.

By the way OP you could report to SS if you know the seat number on the flight.

Disappointed to see the number of posters saying they’d “have to say something” or they’d “feel so guilty” if they didn’t do anything. It’s not about you!! It’s about getting the best possible outcome for the child/ren in question.

You need some sensible, situation-specific judgment to do that.
Knowing the difference between “not being very nice”, “speaking (imo) a bit harshly” vs actual harm (whether emotional or physical or otherwise).
Not over-generalisations and all-or-nothing thinking (choosing not to intervene is not the same as condoning child abuse!)
Not silly meaningless comparisons like “oh so if you saw a man shouting at a woman, you’d check the man was OK would you”.

@Zeroperspective you are absolutely wrong..being judgemental in abusive situations is the RIGHT thing to do. It's never OK. Some people used to act like this about men abusing women (behind closed doors etc... don't interfere in domestics) but we've moved on. Sadly children are still seen as second class citizens so some people in society think we shouldn't judge how they are treated. Well, we should.

I think the PP has given food for thought with her own experience though. As @WiddlinDiddlin says, drawing attention to the mother might well mean more abuse at home. So perhaps just reporting is the best way.

I believe that we are all responsible for looking out for children. If it's OK for people to scream at their kids, it's also ok for another person to come up and challenge them on it. Kids' welfare has to be everyone's business, and like some of the posters mentioned, at the minimum it shows the kid that other adults do not find this OK. I also don't subscribe to this 'mum is overwhelmed, kids can be vile' vibe. Yes you can get overwhelmed and yes they can be, but it's STILL not ok to verbally or physically abuse. Just because they're small and vulnerable does not give them fewer rights than if it it was done to an adult! And everyone has the right to call that out, also in public. I hope we can move more towards a society where there is more support in general and people are looking out for each other and in particular, vulnerable people.

As a victim of abuse/coercive control I agree, however I believe if you start off judgemental you won't get as far than if you don't. However it depends on the circumstances, physical child or adult - straight in with judgement. Towards an adult verbal or physical - straight in with judgement. Towards a child verbal such as shut up or similar - none judgemental whilst I try and assess if the parent is just overwhelmed. Towards a child verbal such as threats of violence - not necessarily judgemental but certainly not as kind. I am the type of person to intervene without thinking first and usually trust my gut reaction on how I go about it but I stand by what I say in that I don't think always going straight in judgemental is always the correct approach

I think that judgement has to be based on your conscience and instinct though and thats primal and strong when it comes to kids if we don't allow ourselves to be conditioned into turning it off and looking the other way. Most of us can instinctively tell when something isn't right in the interaction between a child and adult (it can just be a look, it can be something that's not said or done rather than something that is).

It's better to risk offending a parent or wasting ss/police time than to do nothing and let the abuse of a child continue.

Why is your bar for verbal abuse of children lower than for adults? Should be the other way around imo. There is never an excuse for it. A trigger and a context maybe but they're things the adult needs to be aware of and control. There's never an excuse.

All these people saying "Mind your own business. Don't get involved. It's probably just a stressed mum". Seriously?
Firstly, most of us can tell the difference between a stressed mum who's at the end of their tether, snapping at their child and a parent that's just downright abusive. Many of us have witnessed a child being abused in public - I still remember seeing a mum grab her boy of about 5 years old, slam him on the floor of a supermarket and repeatedly kick him calling him a "fucking cunt" over and over again.
I'm sorry but I don't care how stressed she was, how "naughty" he was - that is child abuse plain and simple.
Sometimes you can't be sure, I know but often it's pretty bloody obvious.
I keep thinking of all these children who've been abused and murdered by their parents (Baby P, Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Star Hobson and thousands of others) and all the people on here, all these mothers saying "Look away, mind your own business". It blows my mind. You think that child abuse doesn't happen?! Or that we should turn away when we see it?

Saying something means nothing.
If a patent is verbally abusive, then report them! Can't believe people witness this at hotels,on airplanes etc and do not involve the staff - there is almost always a designated safeguarding lead.
It's what I did after witnessing a mother screaming and swearing intimidatingly at her 9 yr old at the pool. I said to the man, she may be just really stressed or something but it was awful and I felt concerned about the child. He asked me to describe them and reassured me he'd be around for awhile to check on them. I don't know what happened but I do not regret reporting.

I honestly don't know but this thread has made me pause and think about it. I guess because I understand telling a whiny child to shut up, whilst not OK, does happen when a normally loving parent is feeling completely overwhelmed. I don't think I've explained myself very well either as I am in fact gobby and outspoken and in the example given by the OP I would've turned around in the queue and started a conversation, I wouldn't have left it and my hope would be that it then wouldn't have escalated to the smacking on the plane (which would've seen me straight over letting the parent know that's not ok) in this instance if the parent was happy to act like that in public then I dread to think what those poor children endure behind closed doors.

However I'd hope most parents having the chance to chat to another parent for a couple of minutes who sympathetically says I remember that age is tough for being whiny and squabbling and I would engage the children so in this instance are you excited for the flight? Have you flown before? This would give both parent and children breathing space/distraction and hopefully deescalate the situation. If I went straight in with you're a terrible parent speaking to your children that way etc i don't think that would be helpful to anyone.

I’ve got tears bubbling to the surface just thinking about this. At Disneyworld I saw a big woman smacking a tiny girl, and screaming and swearing at her, looked about 3-4. There were lots of adults in the group and a couple of small girls. I was alone with my own children and went to find a ‘cast member’ and asked them to radio for support or something, because a woman was screaming at and hitting her small child. They were like right ok… what? I just kept repeating myself and was getting very stressed and upset. The staff were just like what are you on about? Spanking is perfectly normal and legal in the state of Florida. It’s discipline.

On balance, with an understanding of abusers and knowing me saying something will make it worse for the child, and having to think of a load of huge aggressive adults around my own small kids and me being entirely alone with them. I left it. It plagues me to this day and not sure what I should have done differently to get a good outcome. People who hit their children and scream obscenities at them are fucking broken and need serious help. Who in their right mind can justify it I have no idea.

Don't get me wrong, if you can make a report to someone, if there is video evidence, cctv, a car reg number etc... and you're worried, do so, please.

But saying something directly to the parent is rarely going to be useful and highly likely to make matters worse.

In my case, CCTV wasn't a thing, twas the good ole 80's, anyone reporting my Mum in the middle of Asda would have likely achieved nothing, even if the police had been interested (highly unlikely unless she was actively murdering one of us) as there would have been no proof at all.

We feel guilty when we don't say something because we don't like to think we condone whatever that other person is doing, and by not saying something it seems like we do, like we're complicit in it. But if you're just saying something to make yourself feel better that 'I did something, because I am a good person'... and that act actually makes matters worse for the child?.. Mmm.

SO yeah... don't say something. Do something. Report it if you can.

No one is saying we should ignore child abuse. What we are saying is, if all you're going to do is verbally pass judgement, don't bother! Because chances are the kid will suffer for it.

If you have evidence to provide to the relevant authorities, absolutely do that. But berating the parent isn't helping. I didn't need adults pointing out I was being abused. I wasn't stupid. I had friends who had "normal" parents so I saw how life should have been. I needed actual help. Someone embarrassing my parent in front of me, for which I'd get the blame, wasn't help.

All some of us are saying is, if you can't do anything practical then keep your guilty feelings to yourself because you'll just do more harm than good. Don't let a child suffer more just to make you feel better.

This is horrendous - did you report this?!

I'm with you. I once saw the opposite and the kid (3-4) tore off and the parent didn't yell. I think the dad was afraid to in front of us. He barely ran as he kid approached the street! Just called as if it were dinner time. I'd have taken off yelling and tackled him if it were mine. Better that than a car fgs!

OP, you have received all the responses. You would try to help, but ultimately one stranger speaking up wouldn't improve the children's lives.

My SIL threatened my niece as a 4 year old with 'i break you both legs' or 'ill throw you off the balcony'. I tried to speak to my brother about it, her husband, but got shut down. I felt so sorry for her and still do. I even considered involving social services as I was just heartbroken that she'd experience such abuse, but there is no evidence and SS likely have more obvious cases to deal with.

She's still being abused emotionally, in my opinion by the entire family. I really have to try hard to ignore any incidents I witness. Instead I try to be a listening ear and comfort her and validate her experience whenever she gets so upset by the things said to her.

It's very hard but I hope something will stick for her. I hope she'll later have memories that not all people are like that and she's allowed to be herself etc. I had no role model like that and it took me a long time to see what a good way to be treated looks like.

With strangers I have to gloss over it. I have accepted that I cannot help those children. Instead of telling off the parents I just look at the kids and wish I could do something nice for them.

Keep your nose out. You don't know the full story, the woman could have been at the end of her tether. A few more parents admonishing their children for poor behaviour would make the world a much better place

The shop workers intervened but I'm sure she just continued the abuse at home.