Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

My wife was smacked by her mum in public. Somebody decided to say something to her mother, so her mum gave the woman a mouthful and gave my wife another smack as a Fuck You to the busybody.

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This. Definitely Best advice in the moment.

Sorry this is horrendous you should have reported long ago and you should report now.

Are you and people discussing parents shouting at children for reasons such as safety being serious?!

read the fucking thread. There is legitimate and clear abuse on here eg kicking children and threatening to kill them.

Yup it's the same as if you challenge a man who is being awful to his gf in public, she will get beaten for that embarrassment to him later

@AAbitboring honestly you should have reported... I'm quite horrified that you didn't.

I hear you. I was slapped in the face, bitten, had my hair pulled and was pushed and shoved in public if my mother felt it necessary. You can imagine what it was like at home. I wish someone had intervened on my behalf.

@amijustbeingsuspicious it is. It still pains me. I thought about it for a very long time and it messed with me, but a child wouldn't have been removed for something that was said for which there is no evidence. It's in another country too. They would most likely have cut me off and the emotional abuse continued without the chance for my niece to have a normal person in her life.

Took me many years to become a healthy person after an abusive childhood. I often wondered why nobody stood up to my mother, why nobody ever spoke out, but I understood it wouldn't have changed my life for the better. I also wondered why no aunt or uncle took an interest in me. Why nobody cared. So I have decided to model being a safe person for my niece where her feelings are valid, she's loved unconditionally and doesn't get threatened or shamed. I believe it benefits her more.

@BurbageBrook it's okay. I can live with that. What would you think would have happened? It's not in the UK also. I have my own childhood experience with this and hope I am doing the right thing for my niece.

I was once in B&M. A little boy of about 5 was walking in front of his 'daddy' who looked like he was ready to beat 10 shades of shit out of anyone who looked at him. The little boy asked his 'daddy' if they could look at the toys, his dad told him he could go and have a look all he wanted but, and I quote, 'you're getting fuck all you thick cunt'. Now, I had three choices, I could either 1) find the heaviest item in the shop and whack this hateful nasty spineless wanker round the head - unwise as he might take it out on the little boy at home. 2) Tell him verbally exactly what I thought of him and what his words would do to this beautiful little boy - this could result in the same outcome as option one and he was too stupid to even take on board what I said. 3) Leave well alone being I was with my own baby in a pram. I went with a different option, while the little boy was looking at the toys that he wasn't going to get and his dad was off looking at something he probably would get, I bobbed down and told that little boy that he wasn't thick, he should never believe he is despite what he might be told, that he was special and I told him I loved his George Pig tshirt (that didn't fit him and hadn't seen a washing machine in its existence) and that I wish I had one just like it. I was rewarded with the shyest but loveliest smile and then I walked away.

I wish we could take these children away immediately but we can't and we have to be careful that we don't put them in more potential danger than they might already be in.

Just harsly speaking not good, but just that, I would not bother as I don't know what the kid did or not - in other circumstance I may call the police

@Abitboring I guess it might be different if you're not in the UK. I think it's really nice you are trying to support your niece how you can, anyway..such a shame your SIL is such a piece of shit.

@BurbageBrook this is the thing. She said it but her husband is just as guilty by tolerating it. He's enabling her.

I used to see my father as the nice guy, but will never forget the moment I understood he basically fed me to the wolves by watching it all. I have been repulsed by him since that moment.

The cycle is repeating itself. No SS will remove a child because someone reports a couple of incidents of emotional abuse and the parents won't change miraculously. Obv it's not just these two incidents, it's day in day out with subtle but damaging emotional abuse and probably a lot of incidents I haven't witnessed.

But it’s not going to achieve anything. She probably knows she is speaking harshly to them, and you saying something to her might clear your conscience, but doubtful she will change her behaviour on the back of what you say. If she was screaming at them or hitting them, fair enough, but you can’t really have a go at someone you consider to be speaking harshly to their children.

This is probably how all the family members of the infants murdered in lockdown felt. They all knew and saw what was happening and no one said anything.

this is one of the saddest threads I’ve seen on here.

@amijustbeingsuspicious (edited. It's such a difficult subject for me that I overreacted and over explaind myself to someone who went below the belt)

i don’t think it’s below the belt, no.

if someone I knew was behaving this way - and you’re saying the whole family is joining in - I would report it and let the professionals decide.

@amijustbeingsuspicious alright. Good luck should you ever be in the situation.

There is another thread running here about a toddler hitting his baby sister and the grandmother telling the toddler she would show him what it feels like. Most are telling the OP, the mother of the children, she's unreasonable in having a problem with the grandmothers reaction.

Mumsnet is such a weird place.

This makes me so sad. But what a lovely thing you did. I'm sure that litte boy will carry it with him.

it depends, I once heard a mum say to a 4 year old boy outside school" what have i told you about making sure you get to the toilet in time?? now you've pissed your pants in school you little shit, ill rub your face in it when we get home. Disgusting boy!" I burst into tears and told the school, they said they would contact the appropriate authorities.

I have always wondered what happened

OP I understand how u feel as I’ve seen similar. Two parents threatening and scolding and threatening their well behaved little girl for standing on her scooter for 30 minutes whilst she cried! A homeless man came by and said don’t be so mean to your sweet child and they ignored him. I didn’t know what to do and it haunts me to this day. I didn’t feel like there was anything I could say as they weren’t physically abusing their kid but in hindsight I think it’s good for kids to see that their parents behavior is unreasonable. When you’re a child you think your parents are always right and tend to blame yourself - stepping in might help them see that the issue isn’t necessarily them. I also once saw a mother shouting at her kids and kicking their toys at Hyde park and someone did step in and told her to grow up.

Honestly, this is a confusing thread. The original post just says the mother spoke quite harshly to her children. It’s not until the fifth update that it’s mentioned that she actually swore at them and hit them. There’s quite a difference between the two. I think a lot of posters are just responding to the ‘spoke quite harshly’ bit.

@countrysidelife2024 sadly I have never heard of a case where children got removed because something horrible was said. I'm talking about removed because I believe this would be the only way for the child to not experience this emotional abuse. The parent would need a long time of therapy to even see their behaviour, let alone change it. A slap on the wrist by the authorities won't do anything. It will just mean the parent takes extra care in public but will continue at home.

If a child is removed it doesn't necessarily mean they will live a better life.

It was absolutely right for your to report it, but unless physical neglect or abuse is discovered as part of an investigation nothing will happen. There is no capacity as this behaviour is rife!

I used to be all optimistic, possibly naive, that such kids should and could be saved until I developed an understanding as to how it comes to this, what generational trauma is, how many people suffer from mental illness because of their upbringing and I understood why many children do not receive support unless their physical wellbeing is in danger. I realised it's simply not possible the way the system is set up.

This is also why school or other people can be such an important part in these children's lives because they can be treated well there, receive validation etc.

It's very sad.

This exactly

My goodness! This thread has made me feel sick.
It's beyond heartbreaking hearing all this. All these poor children being abused by the people who should love and care for them the most.
It's so difficult to know what to do for the best.

An incident that sticks in my mind was when I saw a man purposely push his son (around 6/7) head into a glass window. The boy cried and the mum asked what had happened. The dad shrugged but the boy told her what had just happened. I was going to say something but the mum was already having a go at the dad. I like to think that she would stick up for her children and get rid of their sorry excuse of a dad.

But some of these post on here are really hard to read.