Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

[Kira4]

I was at an airport this morning and there was a mum behind me speaking (imo) quite harshly to her kids. It made me really uncomfortable and I really wanted to say something but chickened out I’m ashamed to say.

A few years ago I saw something similar in a restaurant and my ex husband persuaded me not to say anything but it bothered me for ages afterwards that we didn’t (not that I’d have known what to say).
On the flight today, a man did later challenge the mum and I felt it escalated things and made it more upsetting for the children. None of the cabin crew or anything got involved and most people kept their heads down.

Does anyone have any good advice for dealing with these situations in a way that won’t escalate them but also won’t leave me feeling guilty for not saying or doing something?

Any reason you didn't mention the hitting in the op?

Willing to bet its because it didn't happen, but you could see from the first few responses that people wouldn't 100% agree with you if all you saw was children being told off by a frustrated, angry parent.

I was at the airport with my children the other day. They were winding each other up and misbehaving and yes i absolutely told them off, firmly/angrily. They are old enough to know better and the telling off had the desired effect. If you had dared to question my parenting I'd have been extremely unimpressed.

I have a friend who believes in gentle parenting and never tells her children off properly. They are spoilt, badly behaved and rude.

I've got a friend who's into gentle parenting. Her husband used to come home to total chaos after working long hours in the construction industry. He'd have to cook his own meals, dodging the mess. Clear up the kitchen, living room, bedrooms. So he hired a cleaner once a week to help my friend. He organised online deliveries of food.

He sometimes shouted at the children because he was so tired and depressed with the chaos.

They did separate and divorce. He has the children every weekend. Weirdly they behave so well with him. Because a line has been drawn in the sand.

My friend can't understand why they're so badly behaved for her when she's so much kinder than her ex

I really don't know how to answer that one in a way that won't offend her.

It doesn't always work like that though, does it? I'm quite a gentle parent. Obviously I won't let the kids run riot and there are certain things they absolutely can't do - but I'd say generally I'm perhaps a little too soft with them. My children behave very well for me. I think we have mutual respect for each other and also they're just happy kids.
In comparison I have a friend who is very, very firm with her kids. She's very strict and there are lots of rules. She shouts a lot. Now her eldest is 13 he very much answers back and behaves badly. Basically he's fed up with the way she parents him and he's fighting back! I'd say they actually have quite a bad relationship now because my friend is overly strict and the children aren't thriving in these conditions.
So it's not always a case of gentle parents = badly behaved kids and strict parents= little angels.

@justasking111 you're not describing a gentle parent, you're describing a lazy parent

@SallyWD I totally agree. Kids and teenagers have a really keen sense of fairness and if they perceive something to be unfair they will eventually totally rebel against it. Its possible to be strict and fair but its unfairness kids will eventually pick up on and react to. Unfortunately by then many kids will already have issues as all they've had modelled to them are poor ways of communicating, poor ways of managing emotions including anger and the message that people who love you treat you worse than they treat strangers which obviously isn't a healthy perception to take into their own relationships.

@Pin0cchio the problem is the grey area being 'harsh' and 'abusive' is very subjective. People are very keen to hark back to OP not knowing what preceded what she saw so maybe you could enlighten us in your case? Did you book a flight for stupid o clock when you knew your kids would be tired? Knowing the airport is a stressful place where you were choosing to take your kids did you prepare properly and have a variety of things to keep them occupied (and not just an ipad)? Did you distract them and engage with them? Did you take them for walks and let them move about/look at the planes/play some games?
Or did you sit on your arse on your phone, looking up periodically to rollick them? Because I see that a lot in airports and the same parents have the nerve to say its the kids who make travelling/airports hard.

I literally know of no children with "overstrict" parents who have ended up badly behaved as a result. 🤔 Including lots of teens.

The flight was at a decent time but there were delays which resulted in hanging around. There was plenty of distraction, snacks etc but eldest was simply being naughty. Children are!! Because he is 7 and they are often quite selfish at that age, and he was testing what he could get away with. Sometimes they know full well there isnt an obvious natural consequence on hand and will risk bad behaviour because they think it is worth it.

I do not think it is possible to raise most children and not ever tell them off. Parenting means telling them when their behaviour is not socially acceptable.

My mum was overstrict

My sister was smoking by 13, pregnant by 17 and we both have eating disorders

We both stayed out too late, drunk to much and had sex with men we shouldn't have

It's not an isolated thing it's quite common. You might not see it easily though. 1/2 of our 6th form were on drugs but most of the adults had no idea it was happening.

*My sister was smoking by 13, pregnant by 17 and we both have eating disorders

We both stayed out too late, drunk to much and had sex with men we shouldn't have*

Then they weren't strict at all as you can easily stop a 13 year old from smoking, staying out too late and drinking. Easily.

You should know full well that what people are describing all throughout this thread is not simply kids getting a telling off. If you don't then please read the thread properly.

I am questioning that op drip fed it in that children were hit. I am wondering if thats really what op saw.

Smoking at school, staying out late when we were staying with friends and drinking but being good at acting sober when we got home from school.

But of course, you are right, I can't possibly know my own life 🙄

I think someone this determined to justify the kind of behaviour the OP and some other posters are describing as reasonable is probably finding the thread is hitting a nerve tbh

And I'm wondering what exactly you said to your children that you define as 'harsh' and what exactly you did to manage that situation as the adult beforehand but you've not answered that question.

Its bizarre that having read the thread full of horrible incidents copious people have seen that your main impulse would have been question the plausibility of a mother hitting her kids on a plane but regardless of that, physical abuse is not the only form of abuse. Verbal abuse of kids is seriously damaging too.

Even if it crosses the line very little is done. I was in an Asda carpark and a woman full-out punched her crying toddler (sat in the trolley chair) in the face. She saw my shock and started screaming and punching the door and windows of the car I got into. By that time I was on a call to the police and they could hear her screaming and swearing. I had a witness with me too.

It was reported back to me as 'A home check was done and all was in order - no further action taken'

We can all lose our temper but lashing out at children or using abusive language is never OK. You did right to report it. It's horrible to witness. I've reported before and had to intervene but that was in a professional capacity. I would be concerned that it might cause them to get embarrassed and then take it out on the child in private, especially if they behaved that way in public.

I was once sat next to a French woman in a ski resort who started yelling at her young daughter and then started slapping her! I think I said in English - stop hitting her you bully! The mum appeared very confused as I guess she could not understand me but she did stop. My only concern is if this is how she treated her daughter in public - goodness knows what went on behind closed doors but we were on a mountain it was not possible to link her back to anything.

I think it depends on the situation

I once said something to a women who grabbed her son really hard and screamed in his face. She has been aggressive, towards her children the whole train journey it was so horrible to witness. She was with another woman whom I think her sister who also was telling the children off. when she got off the train she spat at me.After a man approached me and said he should have said something then others agreed. It was really awful and still plays on my mind what those poor children had to deal with. I do not regret saying anything that child was an abused child I have been that child

I once after a day of travelling dealing with an over excited ds got m irritable and was harsh on him I was expecting him not act like a child. I still can remember the pitying look one woman gave him and feel ashamed that was a moment in time

we have all at times snapped but that is different to seeing abuse and a child always has the right to be protected