I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

[Originalusername89]

I was busy doing something that required both hands.

Baby started crying in her pram, toddler went over and started stroking her head but then this changed to hitting her (toddler has form for this when tired plus overwhelm of baby crying. I genuinely don't think it's malicious, more strange toddler impulse, we are working on it, it's improved, and we always physically separate them if this happens, it's not ok to hit etc etc)

Before I could get there my mum tried to diffuse the situation by telling her to stop and then I heard her say 'do you need to see what that feels like?'

At this point I just dropped what I was doing came over, took my toddler (baby strapped in buggy to easier to remover toddler) and told my mum not to threaten her.

Mum said 'i wasn't threatening her'

I said 'the only way to show her what that feels like is if you were prepared to hit her, which is a threat'

She said 'its not a threat I was teaching her lesson'

I think, even if my mum knows she would never actually hit her, as far as the two year old is concerned her grandmother was prepared to hit her.

For context we have a difficult relationship, my mum can't see things from anyone elses point of view, will never apologise or acknowledge what she could have done differently, will defend her actions until she's blue in the face - so she won't see this from the toddlers point of view only hers which is 'i was never going to actually hit her so it's ok' - and she won't see this from my point of view but will accuse me of overreacting. So I'm not bringing it back up with her.

YANBU: it was a threat and it's not ok to threaten a small child with physical punishment

YABU: It wasn't a threat/you're over reacting

PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please, just did my mum threaten toddler or didn't she?

I think YABU because the toddler does need to think about how it feels to be hit. There was no intent to punish with physical punishment so not a threat.

Sounds like a fuck about and find out situation for your toddler.

She doesn't want to find out how it feels so she'll stop fucking about (hitting the baby).

This.

It was a threat.

Agree

It was a badly phrased bit of “parenting”. She wasn’t going to hit your toddler. Your toddler does not understand the implied language.

But you didn’t like it. You have issues with your mum and you jumped on her for this.

Come on now, she didn’t threaten the toddler. If you don’t like your mother go no contact but this behaviour op isn’t ok.

It's the same as 'You wouldn't like it if someone hit you...'. Sometimes you have to be blunt & firm with hitters, helps them make the connection in their mind. Kind hands and all that doesn't appear to be working.

my mum can't see things from anyone elses point of view, will never apologise or acknowledge what she could have done differently, will defend her actions until she's blue in the face

do you think maybe the apple didn’t fall far from the tree…

It's just a way of getting your toddler to think about what she's actually doing and whether she would like to have it done to her. I'm sure your mum had no intention of doing it. Give her a break.

It's perfectly normal to say to a child hurting another "you wouldn't like it if I/mum/ ndn etc hurt you would you?"

Children lack empathy. Often the way to show them to have some empathy is to get them to imagine the situation with them as the "victim".

If she'd said "touch the baby again and I'll give you a black eye" I'd have agreed that's a direct threat!

It sounds like your mum was doing a a version of how would you like it if someone hit you not actually threatening to hit them.
How do you deal with toddler hitting baby?
If mum is there and helping with childcare then be clear how you deal with it.

Nothing wrong with this at all
You're making a mountain out of a molehill

Op, you really should maybe take the time to think about how your little baby feels being hit repeatedly. As you’re working on it isn’t working. You seem keen to think of it from the toddlers point of view. Maybe time to think of it from the point of view the baby is getting hit.

and from your mums where you’re looking for reasons to have a go.

Well no, otherwise I wouldn't be asking would I?

From the replies it appears my judgement has been clouded so I'll learn from that and move on

Clumsy wording maybe from your mum, but I’m sure she meant more along the lines of think about how that would feel, and you wouldn’t like it if you were hit, rather than a serious threat that she was actually going to hit her. Unless there’s some massive drip feed that you were smacked all the time as a kid then just forget about it and move on.

And apologise to your mum? And think about it from the babies perspective.

Clumsy wording from her maybe, but did it work?

If so, YABU. Focus on teaching your toddler not to hit your baby rather than being pissed off with your Mum for keeping the baby safe.

A whole part of dealing with hitting is to remind the toddler that she herself wouldn’t like to be hit. To get her to think about how she feels if someone hits her.
Your mum’s wording may have been clumsy but you didn’t say you were actually concerned that your mum would thump your toddler so it really doesn’t matter. Your kid needs to learn some lessons and your mum was getting her to think about how she would feel, just clumsily.
It should never have got to that point though because as soon as your kid hit your baby, someone should have immediate grabbed her and removed her from the vicinity of the baby.

No, she didn't. She was handling the situation which was potentially harmful for the baby.

I think perhaps you do actually need advice on how to deal with the toddler hitting the baby, what you’re doing isn’t working and the baby is still getting hit.
Your mum didn’t threaten the toddler and it’s unlikely that the toddler gives two shits about what your mum said.

This.

In this case I think your mum was ok - could have worded it better but it was probably split second. I think perhaps you are taking your worry about the toddler jealousy thing out on your mum. Doesn’t sound easy right now but it will get better op

100% this

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