I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

[Originalusername89]

I was busy doing something that required both hands.

Baby started crying in her pram, toddler went over and started stroking her head but then this changed to hitting her (toddler has form for this when tired plus overwhelm of baby crying. I genuinely don't think it's malicious, more strange toddler impulse, we are working on it, it's improved, and we always physically separate them if this happens, it's not ok to hit etc etc)

Before I could get there my mum tried to diffuse the situation by telling her to stop and then I heard her say 'do you need to see what that feels like?'

At this point I just dropped what I was doing came over, took my toddler (baby strapped in buggy to easier to remover toddler) and told my mum not to threaten her.

Mum said 'i wasn't threatening her'

I said 'the only way to show her what that feels like is if you were prepared to hit her, which is a threat'

She said 'its not a threat I was teaching her lesson'

I think, even if my mum knows she would never actually hit her, as far as the two year old is concerned her grandmother was prepared to hit her.

For context we have a difficult relationship, my mum can't see things from anyone elses point of view, will never apologise or acknowledge what she could have done differently, will defend her actions until she's blue in the face - so she won't see this from the toddlers point of view only hers which is 'i was never going to actually hit her so it's ok' - and she won't see this from my point of view but will accuse me of overreacting. So I'm not bringing it back up with her.

YANBU: it was a threat and it's not ok to threaten a small child with physical punishment

YABU: It wasn't a threat/you're over reacting

PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please, just did my mum threaten toddler or didn't she?

No need to be massively patronising when the op has just agreed with you…

‘we are working on it, it's improved, and we always physically separate them if this happens, it's not ok to hit etc etc’

Op is clearly doing what she can to stop her toddler from harming her baby, no need to be stunned.

@Originalusername89 please don't ignore your gut feel. You said yourself the relationship with your mother is difficult and why that is. Do you want your kids to be treated the way you were treated!?

So you could hear your toddler hitting your baby and you did absolutely nothing about it. But your mother did intervene and you don’t like how she handled it?

How about you parent your own toddler instead of racing to mumsnet to complain about your own mother.

YABU

Your mother didn’t make a threat - she made a promise. In future you need to deal with this before CPS becomes involved. Your baby can’t defend itself.

Yes, another terribly passive mother.

Our parents generation were more direct like this- my mum would say something like this. I guess it didn’t do us any harm! If child does something pretty naughty a strong “how would you like it” makes them think twice. Guess we do pussy foot a bit these days. I’m not sure which approach is best but I don’t think either is harmful. Obviously a lot of that generation did actual smacking the child which I do not agree with- but again- I was smacked if I did anything really naughty.

You seem remarkably casual about the fact that your toddler is hitting your baby.

@Howbizarre22 it depends how ingrained it is and if the adults behaviour is part of a bigger problem. The bigger problem exists the way the OP has described her mother. This grandmother will continue to emotionally abuse other people.

Absolutely this.

How long does the baby have to endure being hit while you work on the toddler's behaviour?

Whether or not you want to view it as a threat - she didn't hit your toddler - however your toddler is repeatedly hitting your baby. You say "you're working on it" - meanwhile, that poor baby is being repeatedly traumatised, and that traumatic wiring will affect it throughout the rest of its life.

This grandmother will continue to emotionally abuse other people.

So, you're also cool with a baby being physically abused?

So, what did you do with your daughter after you removed her to stop her hitting the baby? Or did you switch your attention solely to your mother and let your daughter away with hitting the baby?

Hitting a baby should never ever become something that a toddler "has form for". What if she picks up something and decides to hit the baby with it because she's tired, or overwhelmed?

You have a difficult relationship with your mother. Don't let that distract from the fact that you are not dealing with your toddler directly enough.

YABU. If she’d said “hit baby again and I’ll whack you” then yes she has threatened. Asking the toddler whether she needs to understand how it feels is not a threat, it’s a “how would you like it?” thing.

Someone needs to stand up for the poor baby. Toddler must be told in no uncertain terms that hitting the baby is not ok. This shouldn’t be a work in progress, it should be sorted quickly. If that requires shocking toddler with a shout, then so be it.

Can't put it better than this.

OPs mother stops toddler hitting baby after OP doesn't seem to have found an effective way of stopping it.
Then we get this? Wow. Some people are bonkers!

Why are you allowing your baby to be hit by your toddler? That's abject neglect. By the time it's happened twice despite your reaction (& punishment) to the first time, I'd be keeping the toddler away from the baby long term/never allowing her to be a closer distance to the baby than you are. You put steps in place to PREVENT this happening. What if next time it's harder and leaves a bruise? What if your toddler decides to stick her finger in the baby's soft spot on their head?

I’m with your mum on this. Your precious toddler needs to learn not to hit a baby, how would you feel if a bigger child got your toddler and the mum had the same attitude as you. Stop making excuses for your toddler not being very nice.

A 2yr old wouldn't see that as a threat.
Your mum was observing/stating that toddler has been told its wrong, but doesn't understand why it's wrong because has no concept of being hit.

I do think you are making excuses for and overcompensating for your toddler which is not helping the hitting....and it needs to stop.
From experience, with biting, sometimes the only thing that stops it is the child finding out what it feels like...from another child

I’m with your mum

Well whatever your method is to stop your toddler hitting the baby isn’t working is it?

You seriously need to do something about it before the baby is badly harmed. Stop being so wet.

I think the bigger issue is to stop the toddler to hit the baby. You are also not able to see from the point of view of baby who is completely dependant and strapped in the buggy, can't run, can't hit back, so baby is more vulnerable than toddler.

I don't think your mum is wrong here. She didn't threaten the toddler.

I think the Op's p.s.- ' PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please '
is quite telling on the whole incident.

If your toddler is developmentally unable to understand not to hit a baby then she's not going to understand what your mum meant by that comment. That takes understanding the context behind the basic meaning.

Well if it doesn’t matter what other people think then why did she come on here asking? She obviously does care what they think and she has found out by the majority she is overreacting and needs to focus on her toddler hitting the baby more !

Yea . Turning a blind eye there .