I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

[Originalusername89]

I was busy doing something that required both hands.

Baby started crying in her pram, toddler went over and started stroking her head but then this changed to hitting her (toddler has form for this when tired plus overwhelm of baby crying. I genuinely don't think it's malicious, more strange toddler impulse, we are working on it, it's improved, and we always physically separate them if this happens, it's not ok to hit etc etc)

Before I could get there my mum tried to diffuse the situation by telling her to stop and then I heard her say 'do you need to see what that feels like?'

At this point I just dropped what I was doing came over, took my toddler (baby strapped in buggy to easier to remover toddler) and told my mum not to threaten her.

Mum said 'i wasn't threatening her'

I said 'the only way to show her what that feels like is if you were prepared to hit her, which is a threat'

She said 'its not a threat I was teaching her lesson'

I think, even if my mum knows she would never actually hit her, as far as the two year old is concerned her grandmother was prepared to hit her.

For context we have a difficult relationship, my mum can't see things from anyone elses point of view, will never apologise or acknowledge what she could have done differently, will defend her actions until she's blue in the face - so she won't see this from the toddlers point of view only hers which is 'i was never going to actually hit her so it's ok' - and she won't see this from my point of view but will accuse me of overreacting. So I'm not bringing it back up with her.

YANBU: it was a threat and it's not ok to threaten a small child with physical punishment

YABU: It wasn't a threat/you're over reacting

PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please, just did my mum threaten toddler or didn't she?

That's what I immediately thought of reading that comment.

It starts to go wrong from very early on

I voted YANBU. I do something similar with my DS but wording is key. I say 'how would it make you feel if someone hit you? Would it make you happy or sad?'

I think that your DM's wording sounds more threatening.

Bloody hell, do you always make a drama out of nothing ? Your toddler has form for hitting your baby on the head and you working on making him stop ! Do you realise how dangerous hitting a baby on the head can be?

My dc are grown up. As a grandmother I would never dream of speaking like this to my dgc!

@GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris well that's just dandy...

I wouldn't be allowing a toddler to hit a baby.,,

But you carry on!

@K0OLA1D can't you see how it starts! Base on people like @GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris !

It's written on the stars!

@showerjelly neither would I but the grandma didn’t have to threaten the toddler!

Sounds like you follow gentle parenting, it doesn’t really work when a baby is getting hit. Poor kid.

I’m with your mum.

Oh give over, the toddler needs to be told a very firm no!!!

Not "gentle hands" sweetheart

How would the toddler feel if someone twice their size hit them?

Quelle surprise they would t like it?

Now stop tagging me and address the other five people who also think your comment is ludicrous!

I wouldn't be happy with it either, even if there was no intent.

Realistically it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you are the parent and you decide what you find acceptable. Your mum needs to respect your boundaries

So you didn't stop what you were doing when baby cried and you didn't stop what you were doing when your toddler hit baby but you did stop what you were doing once your toddler was "threatened?"

The maximum number of times your toddler should have hurt your baby is once because you have a responsibility to your baby to make sure they are kept safe from your toddler.

Your toddler's feelings and lack of impulse control are developmentally normal. So is wanting to drink bleach because they like the bright bottle. We hide it out of reach. We don't let them glug it while trying to explain the reasons they shouldn't.

While you are "working on it" they shouldn't be allowed to stroke your baby if you know full well it's likely to turn into hitting. Your baby is not a play thing for your toddler to practice their impulse control on.

I actually like gentle parenting but I feel like a lot of people practising it have missed half the message. I despair at the number of parents I hear telling their young children "it's ok to be angry but not to hit" while standing there getting pummelled by toddler fists and letting it happen.

I think YABU. Your mum said what many others would’ve. It seems like you might be looking to fall out with your mum.

This. OP you can’t be allowing your toddler to hit a baby for goodness sake, you need to be there to intervene before the hitting starts. If you don’t clamp down hard on this behaviour now I dread to think what the future looks like for this child.

Goodness me🤣 no contact for a threat that wasn’t a threat?! What should she have done, let the toddler carrying on hitting the baby?

This was abusive. It was a threat, not a consequence. The toddler cannot tell if grandma was serious and what she said to him is intimidating. It would be for an adult so why wouldn't it be for a child!!!!!

A consequence would have been 'you aren't allowed to stroke her head again if you hit her'.

I'm just appalled at the outcome of your poll OP. Please don't change your view. You saw it as a threat, which is all that counts. You don't need your mother's validation in order to believe this. She's supposed to respect your boundaries even if she doesn't agree.

@Happyddays no, the baby's physical safety and the toddlers emotional safety are equally important.

@showerjelly the grandmother could have very firmly told him NO instead of threatening him. They are two different things.

Parents who think I threat for physical harm equals a NO disgust me.

Nothing wrong with that comment! Your definitely being unreasonable

"Working on it" isn't good enough.
A toddler can potentially inflict life altering injuries on a baby, and aside from anything be causing them pain. It shouldn't be happening on a regular basis. You need to be firmer and protect the baby.

sometimes you read stuff on here and can’t actually believe anyone could actually think like this.

Your second paragraph is totally incoherent, no idea what you're saying.

@Lampslights that feeling is mutual.

Replace I with a , et viola ;)

@Originalusername89 On addition to taking onboard what people have said you may also want to apologise to your mum for completely overreacting and accusing her of threatening your child.

If the toddler hit the baby once, it should have been once and only once and never happened again.

Whatever you're "working on" you need to work harder. Giving your toddler a fright to make them reconsider ever hitting the baby again isn't a bad thing. The softly softly "we're working on it" is BS to be honest.

Your toddler should never have been in a position to hit a tiny infant after that first time. You need to be firmer. Louder, and more stern. Let the toddler know it is not an option. Otherwise they couldn't careless, because nothing happens and they enjoy hitting the new little plaything.