I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

[Originalusername89]

I was busy doing something that required both hands.

Baby started crying in her pram, toddler went over and started stroking her head but then this changed to hitting her (toddler has form for this when tired plus overwhelm of baby crying. I genuinely don't think it's malicious, more strange toddler impulse, we are working on it, it's improved, and we always physically separate them if this happens, it's not ok to hit etc etc)

Before I could get there my mum tried to diffuse the situation by telling her to stop and then I heard her say 'do you need to see what that feels like?'

At this point I just dropped what I was doing came over, took my toddler (baby strapped in buggy to easier to remover toddler) and told my mum not to threaten her.

Mum said 'i wasn't threatening her'

I said 'the only way to show her what that feels like is if you were prepared to hit her, which is a threat'

She said 'its not a threat I was teaching her lesson'

I think, even if my mum knows she would never actually hit her, as far as the two year old is concerned her grandmother was prepared to hit her.

For context we have a difficult relationship, my mum can't see things from anyone elses point of view, will never apologise or acknowledge what she could have done differently, will defend her actions until she's blue in the face - so she won't see this from the toddlers point of view only hers which is 'i was never going to actually hit her so it's ok' - and she won't see this from my point of view but will accuse me of overreacting. So I'm not bringing it back up with her.

YANBU: it was a threat and it's not ok to threaten a small child with physical punishment

YABU: It wasn't a threat/you're over reacting

PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please, just did my mum threaten toddler or didn't she?

So you are more worried about your mother’s choice of words than your child’s appalling behaviour.
Tell me you are a ‘gentle parent’ without telling me you are one!

Do you need to know what that feels like is kind of a threat- it isn't 'how would you like it if someone hit you!', more 'shall I hit you and see if you like it?'.

That said, it's a very normal thing to say.

Do you think she'd actually have hit him gently to show him?

I think you’re arguing about semantics unnecessarily. It’s a sign of poor communication IMO. Focus on solutions and improvements not whether a past incident can be described by a particular word or not.

Op did actually say to your mum not to threaten her in front of your toddler, making your toddler think your mother was doing that when she wasn’t.

if so you need to not just apologise to your mother, but speak to your toddler and explain her gran wasn’t threatening her and would never do such a thing.

and you need to stop that baby getting hit. Think of them, small and helpless,getting repeatedly hit. If you can’t stop it, ask your mother for help, as she likely can.

god, I feel so sorry for the defenceless baby getting hit by your toddler, you say you're working on it, but you need to protect your baby from this now. you're more concerned with how the toddler is treated than the poor baby. how many more times is the baby going to be hit until the toddler has learned? your working on it obviously isn't working.

I suspect it’s an age difference thing. I’d speak to your mum and explain how you want dealing with. In heat of moment it’s normal for your usual go to to come out.
I’m probably your mums era and my response would be also say no in a firm voice do not hit ‘Katie’ and remove toddler from baby. Then how would you like it if Katie hit you.
If you are from the ‘kind hands’ era then your mum is probably trying to do it your way but it’s coming out a bit muddled.

It's worded as a threat. YNBU.

I'd react the same way as you did.

I think you're overreacting, to be honest. I'd just interpret that as 'How would you feel if you got clumped on the head?' which is a perfectly valid point to make to a toddler. When a toddler is clouting a baby on the head, it really isn't the time to be stressing about semantics and what does/doesn't constitute a threat. Your mother wanted the toddler to stop thumping the baby as quickly as possible and it really didn't need you to set up a steward's enquiry into her specific wording after the event.

I think the fact that you're "working on" your toddler hitting your baby is clearly not enough.

That's not the same at all in my opinion. What was said did sound like the grandmother was prepared to hit the toddler even if she wouldn't actually do it.

What's the betting 'working on it' consists of little more than 'oh doooooooooon't do that daaaaaaarling' and a million excuses about how he is overwhelmed by having a sibling. I wonder how often a good firm NO is used.

I think that there are some people who we find it hard to be objective about when it comes to their parenting and they are usually people we have some sort of history with or we dislike. It’s also very normal to have it with parents and in-laws. The best thing to do is to make sure those people aren’t in a situation they can consider themselves to be supervising the child/ren or have a say in what they do.

I think this is one of these where the OP won’t be able to win to be honest. Some threads just go haywire and personally insulting her and her parenting isn’t helpful. So many children go through a hitting phase when there’s a new baby and sometimes the thread fills up with criticism aimed in favour of the eldest child, that you’ve basically committed adultery, poor eldest, blah blah, or it’s poor baby, you’re a gentle parent, you’re ineffective …

Truth is it just takes a while for things to settle down. I wouldn’t like what your mum said either to be honest but probably not worth making a fuss over.

I'm wondering what age the toddler is?

If she is 14 months old then she just can't be near the baby until she gets past the hitting stage, and reasoning with her is pointless. If she is three then the grandmother's comment was fine.

Two.

Ultimately you need to keep your baby out of harms way whilst your toddler is liable to hit out.

A playpen foe the toddler is the obvious answer.

A big old fashioned wooden one.

I had one and when I had children I bought a vintage one and I could do housework exercise, make a phone call in peace, answer the door etc whilst looking in on playpen.

They are a god send.

This. If hitting the baby is something your toddler likes to do you need to come up with a way to stop them or your baby could get really hurt.

This.

Yes I think it was a threat. A useless one.

I don’t see it as a threat, just clumsy wording as others have said. And you need to stop ‘working on’ your toddler hitting your baby and start protecting your baby until your toddler has learned to manage themselves better.

I'm with you actually OP. She could have said 'how would it feel if someone hit you' or 'you would not like to be hit, would you?' But she didn't.

However it is a high priority for the baby not to be hit, and no actual harm was done to the toddler, so I would let it go (and next time the toddler starts hitting baby, drop what you are doing first and deal with it yourself).

I also would have told my mum not to, don’t think you are overreacting. I’m amazed at the amount of people who do!!

I also have a bad past with my mum. She’s a raging narcissist and I will never let her look after my child alone. Is your mum a narcissist too, sounds like she has some traits?

Exactly! ⬆️ It was a similar phrase to the old 'classic' of, "How would you like it?"

Unless she has form, she wasn't about to hit your child.

Don't be so ridiculous. You need to get a grip. Massive over reaction by you.

Why didn’t you just put down what you were doing and go to your baby when they cried. I wouldn’t let a toddler who could hit near the baby without me being there. Poor baby.