Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

I absolutely would do this and would consider staying for longer because your husband is so selfish.

Doesn’t he accept any blame for you being ill? He had children with you and won’t help you out.

No wonder you are craving going home. Hope you have a nice time and get lots of help from your family. All the best.

He's done a total number on you.
When he says family is important, he means that HE is important and YOU only exist to look after him.
He doesn't value or respect you. Why isn't it important for you to maintain ties with YOUR family? You've given up so much for this man and he appreciates none of it.
What worries me is that although you can see the imbalance, you think he has a right to it. Your self esteem is through the floor.

My ex was like this, worked all the hours including weekends, avoided all domestic and child related chores, moaned when Dc1 would come down early to watch him get ready for work because ‘he got in the way’, moaned when I took the children to see my sister for the holidays. We had many conversations but nothing changed so I left. I was 28 with 3 children under 8.
I was still lonely because I was on my own but I no longer had that expectation of love and friendship when I heard him come in. Eventually I went to court to remove the children from the country, he didn’t even show up.

Spoke to him in more detail today and he thinks two weeks is just too long to be away and that he's struggling with house work etc. apparently the house is now a mess and laundry is running low etc.

You didn't even leave the kids with him - he's literally just not got to make a state of the house between the hours of 9pm and 7am (since you say he's out working the rest of the time) - what the hell is he doing that he can't keep a clean house that he's barely in for a week? Why on earth can't he bung a wash on one morning?

OP - he should be feeling the guilt that as a grown man, he can't even keep house for just himself for one week.

Please do not have any more children with him.
I think his abuse of you is going to get a LOT worse.
You are so vulnerable with no family close by.
Get well above all else.
He doesn't care a whit for you and sadly you are wasting precious energy on guilt for a BAD man.
Your children need one well parent in good health because their father is an abusive selfish arsehole who doesn't care at all about anyone but himself.
Get well and get out.

Thinking about my friend who’s ex worked long hours, never contributed to the household or family life, but made a big deal of being the breadwinner. Turned out he wasn’t working most of that time, it all unraveled and the truth came out. Yes, he did work, but there was lots of time sitting in his car halfway down the road watching stuff on his iPad, gym sessions, stopping off for Nandos or whatever. So, what was allegedly “I’m leaving the house at 8am and don’t get in till 8pm and am knackered providing for you all and can’t help” was actually spend a couple of hours watching a series with his drive thru breakfast and coffee, 6 hours at work, gym, Nandos with a mate, home just after the toddlers and baby had been put to bed and the house is spotless. Oh and no thanks to the lovingly prepared dinner, he’s just not that hungry, strangely.

My EXH used to go to the gym at bedtime, every time, despite having time to go in the day. When I raised this with him he stopped going entirely, and would huff and puff and talk about how I didn’t care about his health and wanted him to die of a heart attack. Btw gym was just the gym floor, and it had to always include shower and steam. He’d leave at about 5:30 as I was dishing up dinner, and get back at about 8 and disturb the kids I was trying to get to sleep. Prick.

I worked with loads of men who timed leaving work to get home after bd time. They were sitting about drinking coffee.
Wasters. So many divorces.

why dont you go and get him to meet you out there

Wow, as I continue to read your posts OP, I can only think he has really done a number on you. There is no partnership here; it is you doing all the domestic work, and his long hours indicates to me he is actively avoiding the work of family life.

This is how it could be different. My DH and I both worked through our marriage (I just retired). We don’t have kids, but share chores all the time. I do laundry/cleaning now as I am home, but he shops and cooks/cleans up. He mows the lawn and trims hedges, I sort out the vegetable and flower beds. I put my DH’s socks in his drawer; I told them he wanted them sorted out/folded he could do that. He’s not made an issue out of it. He picks up his clothes and puts them in the hamper, he cleans the shower when he is done. If I ask him to fix something, he does it. He did massive and professional DIY in our house, I painted and sanded floors, and we paid for reno 50-50. He took care of me when I was ill a few years ago. And, he comes home at 5:30 pm so we have dinner together and the evening to chat/catch up.

Your DH needs to step up to the plate and help you. You have a chronic health condition leading you to stop work due to burnout and need a break with your family abroad. Of COURSE you travel…what are you supposed to do, not have any contact with your family? What individual on the planet would whinge about you needing to make that break short to do his laundry? He makes good money…how about a laundry service for a few weeks, or a cleaner?. Frankly, you need extended time away to consider if you want to be with this individual who is treating you appallingly. He’s trying to break you. You may find being away from this guy that your health improves. Might be better to live abroad with your kids with family support. It is more than you are getting now, that is for sure.

Yup, me too. Wondered why he was so late at work when I emailed him out of hours about something, fully expecting he would pick it up the next day. He had a stroppy teenager he didn’t want to deal with, and he then was trying to flirt with me on email. Crickey. Lost massive respect for him after that, and limited contact.

What individual on the planet would whinge about you needing to make that break short to do his laundry?

verdibird cuts straight through it all with this sentence

DH has a friend who is a bit of a twat and he is perfectly open about how he leaves for work at 7 am and returns very late so he does not have to 'help' in the mornings and at bed and bath time.

His wife (who works full time in the City) once had an absolutely justified shit fit as he was coning to stay with us for a weekend to go fishing with DH and she demanded he take their two boys as well as he needed to do some parenting. I was not thrilled to have 2 extra boys in the house literally without warning. What he did was try and get me to babysit them for the entire weekend. I did the Saturday then discovered the situation when i texted their mother asking about what food they could have and the next day I refused and told him to parent his own children.

None of them are welcome back. He's a pathetic lazy shit. The wife is talented and accomplished and out-earns him three fold. Have no idea why she stays.

I worked with a great group of women and this was a topic of conversation regularly. On numerous occasions we all took EVERY opportunity to drop men like this in it by slagging them off in front of their spouses at social nights. SO deliberate of us. You could literally see their wives faces drop with the realisation that they were drinking coffee, reading the physical paper, playing Solitaire on the computer (the 90's) every evening, when THEY had had rushed to collect children from work and sorted small children out on their own. Truthfully, I reckon we were a contributing fact in a good dozen divorces. Selfish pricks every one of them. The ALL remarried within 2 years. I was too young to get the whole stunt of reeling in a naive young woman as skivvy aupair that I read on here all the time.

@ThereAreNoSloesOnThere my friend out manoeuvred her useless husband by changing HER hours to start in her finance job at 7am...the markets! She also went on regular two night trips away. He eventually learnt how to care for his two boys because he had to!

Good for her! It amazes me that some people seem to think that women just naturally know how to parent. My DH (who is great actually) used to defer to me as default parent until I told him I was not any more equipped just naturally in knowing what to do.

I have just remembered that this same friend of DH once very proudly announced that he had never ever changed a nappy. I snapped at him; 'I don't think that says what you think it says about you'. (I don't like this guy- not that anyone can tell I'm sure!!!)

Another bugbear- my DH works away every year for about 8-10 weeks. That's fine. However last year I went on a 5 day work trip and he had everyone tripping over themselves offering to 'help' by cooking a meal or taking the Dcs to school. No-one has ever EVER asked me if I needed any 'help' to just do the day to day grind when he is away.

Yes, I have taken trips with my kids without DH. It eas all good and actually brought us all closer together, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.