Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

I would absolutely do this and I know plenty of families where one parent's family is abroad who do this. In your case it doesn't sound like your DH will miss out on time with you and the kids in any case given he is not really present so I am not sure what the argument is for not going is.

Are you this rude to him????

im sorry that you were just looking for sympathy and permission to swan off on holiday. I’m sure you still will regardless.

I do wonder how this thread would have gone if it read ‘ I’m a husband who quit my job because it was too much with the kids, should I go on holiday with them whilst my wife stays home and pays the bills so I can get a rest, she only gets 6 days leave and works all the time’

I'm not willing to disclose how much he makes, of course. But it's definitely financially viable.

If I know most men he'll be delighted for the time alone

I’m a stay at home mum (kind of, I do paperwork for DHs business, but that’s only evenings and a day a week!) with chronic health conditions and am married to a self-employed man who works long hours and doesn’t get much in the way of holiday time so I get it! I know how you feel when you say it’s all on you re the home/kids etc. I’d definitely go, absolutely. I’m thinking of going abroad with a family member lter this summer, me and the DC, leaving DH at home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that!

@Youcannotbeseriousreally no husband would ever be expected to work full time in a senior position and also pick up all the slack at home whilst being pretty ill with a very serious health condition. No husband would be expected to bring in the money and also run the house and children ALONE.

It might be financially viable, but he doesn’t sound like he parents or does so much as load the dishwasher? Anyway yes I’d be going on holiday, but I’d also be wondering if I’d ever have a partner in my DH if I were you. No wonder you got burnt out working FT and doing the entirety of family and home life alone.

FFS what is your problem?

I think you would benefit from counselling to work through the changes your family needs to make to ensure you are all healthy and happy. If you could find a therapist that offered a family based approach, that could be really helpful but from what you have shared, you need some focus on you.

Yes, but I have a DW not a DH so things are equal in our house.

I think OP has been pretty restrained considering the provocation.

I'm sure the OP and her husband have considered the impact of her taking some time out of the workforce.
Her H is self employed and even when OP was working, he still left her to do all the childcare and chores in the home. That's not exactly very supportive of him! Subsequently, OP is now unwell with MH issues, so she's not swanning off on holiday, she's being sensible and getting support from her family!
If her H had supported her better then she wouldn't feel the need to take this break.

For god sake, look at you, so concerned about if OP is being fair to him and making sure he gets a break if she does, but not a single comment on how unfair it’s been to her to have to do all the housework and childcare. Why is that?

Go OP, and stop letting your husband do nothing in the house, no one has a job so demanding they can’t push a Hoover round.

@holsquestions - it might be financially viable, but it's not practically viable, if he can't do even basic adulting.

You need to talk to him.

And I suggest you totally ignore @Youcannotbeseriousreally - there's always one!! Focus on the advice you're getting from everyone else.

I used to feel sorry for DP missing out because he was working, and couldn't make time for the kids. But then I was also working and doing everything in the house like you OP (I just couldn't choose when I worked, I had to do it around school runs, and mealtimes - early in the morning and late at night to get my hours in).

But then I realised that I felt more sorry for the kids, missing out on stuff because their dad wouldn't make time for them (he had time to go out after work with colleagues though). So I started taking them on those trips alone, and it was wonderful - even having to make up the work at night was less stressful than bored kids during the day while I tried to also work.

Just as you are looking for ways that you could get back to work, whilst not burning yourself out on the second shift with the kids, your DP could too. And it's not fair on the kids to miss out purely because a grown adult is choosing to live his life as he does.

You should go, AND your husband is being ridiculous. Of course he should do half the jobs all the time. He needs to step up, what's his excuse?

I'd suggest ignoring @Youcannotbeseriousreally
They seem to be set to be deliberately confrontational & aiming to upset the op & derailing

My problem is how rude the OP has become when it hasn’t all gone her way. This is AIBU.

Read the room, @Youcannotbeseriousreally - you are literally the only poster who thinks like this. Everyone else is supporting the op.

You have been ruder than she has. She's been pretty restrained 🤷‍♂️

I would ignore that poster if I were you. They don't understand your situation and aren't adding anything. Other people have made more helpful responses. Don't waste your time on the negative, unhelpful ones.

Yes , just ignore everyone that doesn’t agree! Typical MN!

Wowsers, some of these replies.

I would go if my husband was on board with it. Not because I need his say-so but because we are a team. When the chips are down it's more important than ever that you pull together.

In return, at some point in the future I'd put myself out to give him a break, at whatever point that becomes feasible.

I hope you feel better soon.

Reads exactly the same whether it's husband or wife taking time off.

OP isn't a wife from the 50's. She doesn't need to stay at home to make sure dinner is on the table when DH gets home. Unless he's literally working 16 hour days 7 days a week he can look after himself for a few weeks.

Swan off on holiday OP and have a fab time.

Go.

You can't hope to be in a position to look after anyone else if you don't look after yourself first.