Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

Sounds similar indeed ! My H has never even taken them anywhere by himself!

He has no idea what it's like to get them both out of the car on his own.

When I was working I did go on work trips but his family rallied around to help him. He managed a couple of pick ups on his own when he finished work early and his mum and sister / brother were there to help him make dinner and put them to bed.

No one ever helps me! They live 5 minutes away. I would love for someone to come, even once a week to have dinner with the kids and I.

In addition they were up in arms whenever I needed to go on a work trip, because my children need me and it's not fair to leave them. It's been a terrible year. Beyond exhausting and frustrating. I can't win either way. I work and need to leave my kids and that makes me a bad mum. I don't work for a bit, that makes me a lazy mum who's not contributing.

All the while my health is massively suffering. No one cares.

So you worked in a challenging role AND single handedly looked after kids and home.

No wonder you burned out!

Have your holiday and relax. Then, decide how YOU want to organise things at home. You married that man to be with him, not support his job. He needs to make adjustments or there's no point in going home

How would things pan out if you and he traded places?

I could maybe understand your dilemma if you were considering going away without your children for a solo rest.
Thats not the case though. You are still parenting, just in a different place, and hopefully with some support.
Your husband only needs to look after himself. He will be fine. He seems good at putting his own needs/ wants first.

I think he can't have his cake and eat it or whatever the saying is. Something needs to give when I return to work.

And yes, he can pay for his family for a bit. I really don't see an issue here. I've been putting in unpaid work for years.

I'm looking after the kids and the house, that's also work. Why is that not even in the consideration ? ' Women's work' is not considered as high value as paid work, still ? Looking after two preschoolers and a household is work.

Op - go for 2 weeks AT LEAST. The pp's idea to tack the time he joins you onto the end is a good one.

It sounds as though this break could be good for both of you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And if it doesn't, then at least you know where you stand!

When he joins you for last part of the stay, take some time to go out together just the two of you and talk. Talk about life, what's working, what isn't, your family's goals and priorities. That space & different environment will allow you both a better perspective on life.

When you go back to work, my two-pennies worth is to stay full time. Juggling part time, for less pay & very little career progression ... worth it whilst kids are little if you love the time with them ... not worth it as much as they get older. You will resent less pay, less interesting work, less career progression and if you are isolated I'd imagine it could get very lonely, the kids aren't around much and it can be hard to look forward to an entire day of housework stretching ahead. Instead, try to make full time work as flexible as possible, take the unpaid parental leave (and don't feel guilty for taking those weeks or making the most of them by going to see family) when it actually suits you, get help around the house.

You had the courage to take a career break - make the absolute most of it. Go for as long as you can!

I'm quite angry on your behalf.

He doesnt give a fuck about you, that much is clear.

Make a plan and gtfo.

Sounds like his family see him as some kind of king and you as his personal skivvy. It’s no wonder you feel so shit, you’re being treated disgustingly. You really need to leave this man before your kids grow up to have the same toxic ideas about women and mens roles.

Youcannotbeserious You think DH cant manage for a few weeks? OP is not on holiday all the time. DH will come out to join her at some time anyway.everyone needs a break!

1. I am from another country and used mat leave/AL while my kids were small to go for weeks at a time to visit my family and friends abroad without DH. I'm grateful I did as now they are older and my work hours are different I won't ever get that chance again.
2. Your comment about not being able to win struck out to me. You are right, you can't! So stop playing! It is so freeing when that just snaps in your head - realisong that you can't please everyone so why try? Your husband will be grumpy regardless of whether you stay at home or go so do whatever is best for you.
3. The only people who deserve you giving everything of yourself if your children. Sounds like everyone else os happy to watch you run yourself into the ground. Your children deserve and need a happy, healthy, whole mum. Your focus should be to get yourself there and be well for them

I think you should definitely have your holiday (2 weeks) with your family. To make things fair, you should also agree that your DH gets to take the children away as well. Perhaps with his very helpful family? You say he seems to be unhappy with you going, but he's not very happy when you're around. He is choosing to work long hours, in a physical job. He could work less, when you return to work, and do the household tasks you plan to out-source. He won't though because actually that's too hard for him.

Money isn't everything. He's done nothing to prevent her burnout.
Kids cost money on the holidays in the UK.

Plus she's not working now, she's contributing in non financial ways now as well as financially in the past and future. Her speedy and full recovery will be a good thing for the family coffers.

OP, your priority is to get well, far ahead of your grumpy husband.
You have completely burnt yourself out and he allowed it.
He left everything to you on top of a senior job.
Stop wasting energy dithering.
Go and stay with family as long as you can and get well.
Have a long hard think what he brings to your life.
He sees you as a cooking cleaning appliance, cheeky twat.
Let him sort his shit out.
Disgraceful that he got plenty kf sleep AND lie ins...really shocking.
Give him as much consideration as he has given you the last few years.
He's a selfish shit husband and father.
Go be with your family and get well....for yourself and your children.

I once did a holiday with kids and without my OH, to an activity he had no interest in. We went with another family, had a whale of a time. Oh and I weren't in the greatest place before I left and a week apart helped us to realise what we liked about each other. It wasn't t the main thing that saved our relationship, that was counselling, but it didn't harm.

Of course you should go. It sounds like you need support, and you're not getting it from your DH.

I ask you, if you weren't there, OF COURSE he'd manage to "pick up" some of the home-related chores. He's CHOOSING not to - that's all.

Go on the trip abroad to see your family for as long as you need to rest and recover. Have a real think if you want to come back and on what terms. If you return, It is totally OK to be a SAHM for a while if your health is suffering. Alternatively, it is Ok to stay with your family for a while and leave DH to his own devices. Maybe you don’t want to go back. Being an immigrant whilst parenting two small children sans spousal support is darn hard. Throw in a serious illness, and crickey.

If you do go back to work full time, you get a cleaner, meal boxes, or maybe even a nanny or childcare help if you need it. It is ridiculous for you to be expected to work full time, raise the kids by yourself, and cope with a serious chronic health condition. It is OK to outsource and to delegate.

Your husband sounds like a selfish moron. Sorry, but he does. Never even taken his kids out. Lazes about all weekend even when you’re also working.

One of the reasons I got divorced was because me working full time meant nothing. I was expected to give the household the input of a SAHM and then some. My EXH was the dead weight and I’ve been physically, mentally, and financially better off since I became a single parent.

Listen to say eg the Parenting Hell podcast. In between their chat, they’re discussing traveling here there and everywhere for work, really intense scheduling, performing and filming and writing. But they’re also constantly with their kids, school runs, parties, soft play, holidays. Things like babysitters and pizza express feature a lot, but they don’t sit on their arses and ignore their kids that’s for sure. Very few men they’ve had on the podcast are lazy (they say) either. The occasional ones who are sound like ignorant oafs. If you ever need to ask yourself the question can men have a job and still focus on their kids…. This is your answer.

Spoke to him in more detail today and he thinks two weeks is just too long to be away and that he's struggling with house work etc. apparently the house is now a mess and laundry is running low etc.

I am away at the moment for a week. ( not a holiday but just a visit to my family home ).

So he doesn't like the sound of me going away again for two weeks.

He says I should be focusing on our family holiday instead...

Again. I’d be looking at my options. I think your ‘D’H has contributed to your burnout and is either a moron who can’t work a washing machine, or is abusive and sees you as a maid.

His priority is having his skivvy at home.
Please go and take every bit of support you can.
He is not supportive of you, does not help, gets more rest, despite you being post-partum. He is grumpy.
Your well being does not figure.
Go to your family and stay as long as you can.
He is not good man.
He is a selfish arse that has reduced you to an appliance for his convenience.
A good man would be delighted for you.
Tell your family the truth about is treatment of you.

Is he really saying that as an adult man, he is unable to do his own laundry and cooking and clean up after himself for 2 weeks??? Honestly, he should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

No one cares because unfortunately this is what is expected of mothers and society continues to enforce this message.

I am hopeful my DD does not end up like it - but a really good starting point is to rebel against it even at an individual level, so please take the time you need and do not feel guilty - it is what I have started doing,

You are a person outside of being a housemaid and a mother and you deserve to look after yourself as well.

I bet it's my mother in law who's feeling sorry for her son having to sort his own washing out etc.

I've always gone back to see my family very regularly, even before we were married / kids. Every couple of months or so.

When we got married she said that now we are married and have kids I can't be doing it as regularly. Fair enough, I don't go as often as it's not practical, however, she shouldn't be the one telling me this.

In any case, I'm sure she won't approve and will make it known.

Now I feel bad, like I am doing something wrong.

Adult man isn't capable of taking care of himself? WTF!

Tell your MIL to mind her own bloody business.
What a shower.
You are being abused and controlled.
Get home to your parents for a couple of months. Take the rest.

How much housework does one grown man generate FFS?

And as to your MiL ... as the saying goes, who made her the boss of you?