Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

The thread would go exactly the same as this one IF it read 'I'm a husband who, after years of working in a senior role alongside doing everything child and house related, I faced serious burn out and took some time out before having a breakdown'. As you well know. There would be supportive comments and someone like you determined to be a dick. I mean it wouldn't be you on that thread because it's women doing something for themselves you hate. Swings and roundabouts innit.

Go away OP and enjoy it.

I literally spend my entire life trying to give him a break and time to himself tbh. He's very grumpy so I always let him have lie ins, look for ways to make him happy constantly, in the hopes that he'll be happier around us. I find his moods difficult to deal with, which is why I pick up all the slack- let him have all the lie ins and also often just take the kids out by myself to give him time to himself - all, to make him happier.

Ignore the offensive poster OP and think about what some of the more supportive replies are saying. With your dh in this role, with these hours , life is always going to be really hard for you -single mum.with an absent father. Your husband is currently married to his job first, you and the kids second. Is this really the best arrangement all round? Did you go into this with your eyes open or has it crept up on you? And why is your life so lonely?

I guess because you don't see dh and he is never available to give you space to build your own social life and connections, and your work / parenting was taking up your energy if not your time.

You need to start socialising with other adults even if it's just meeting other families in the park. And you need exercise for your mental health. As you sound like there is some money there, if dh cannot have the kids in the evening buy in babysitting so you get an evening a week to swim/run/ do yoga/ sing in a choir/ whatever.

And yes, obviously go to see your family. It's worrying that this is even a question.

Yeah, some of us gathered that already my love, by the fact you have shouldered everything for years. Look after yourself please, no one else will.

Nonsense. Op was working full-time, doing all the childcare in-between and cooking / cleaning / washing for two kids and two adults.

He's working full time, getting his meals cooked and his house cleaned and his washing done, and occasionally spends a bit of time with the kids as he sees fit.
For two weeks he'll have to buy his own take out whilst op still does all the childcare albeit somewhere else, then no doubt has to come home and clean the house and do all his washing.

Oh this is really sad 😞 I can’t relate to this at all but life doesn’t need to be like this, treading on eggshells and putting his moods and choices above your own.

Hmm your last update is even more worrying OP. You are supposed to be his partner not his slave. Why is he taking his moods out on you? He is responsible for his own mental wellbeing.

I'm beginning to think you need to make your time away with the kids permanent.

Why are you with this man? Seriously, what is he adding to your life? Why does he think he gets to work this ridiculous job at the expense of everyone else? Does he think his kids will grow up and completely understand and be ok with the fact he picked work over them?

The difference is that she's taking the kids. How hard can it be for a grown adult to look after himself for a couple of weeks? It's what single adults do while working full-time all the time. He cant go on holiday anyway, do he'll still not have a break. He'll probably have an easier time.
OP I've just read your update. Leave him to it and take a prolonged holiday with your children and family. He doesn't soundclike he is giving you much consideration at all.

I'd go for the whole summer. He should ho with what is right for you and the children and you need support right now. He can come to see you in the middle week. He is an adult and should be able to cope for a few weeks.

...and you can't "makehim happier" by setting yourself on fire op. Please look after yourself and ask yourself why he gets all the consideration to the point you burnt yourself out?

What's the long term plan OP, is this period where he can't do anything around the house to help (I presume he works very long hours 7 days a week) likely to go on for another year? Two? Just wondering what the plan for him rejoining family life is. Has something happened with the business that has pushed plans back?
So sorry you are having to deal with everything.

The real world alone?? What do you think two kids under 5 in another country is? He's self employed. He's chosen to work his business such that this is his lifestyle. Where's his consideration to his wife having kids he isn't around physically for? Not being able to help with anything domestic whilst they BOTH work full time, high pressure jobs?

She's taking the kids to see her family for two weeks, something he'd be able to join in with if he'd made different choices

I literally spend my entire life trying to give him a break and time to himself tbh. He's very grumpy so I always let him have lie ins, look for ways to make him happy constantly, in the hopes that he'll be happier around us. I find his moods difficult to deal with, which is why I pick up all the slack- let him have all the lie ins and also often just take the kids out by myself to give him time to himself - all, to make him happier.

He’s a shitty bully.
No doubt a big contributor to your mental health issues.
As a family, you’ve been able to afford (with his income and your savings) for you to take a long period off work.
So… you could have afforded for him not to only have one week off a year and zero time outside of that.

Go on the holiday. But don’t think it’s going to change anything for you.
Get a housekeeper 3 hours a day, and sure you’ll have less laundry. But you’ll still be married to an arsehole.

I suspect you’re more than capable of your senior position (you made it there!) and children. What tips the balance into despair is a man treating you like shit.

Every single mother I know says the same thing: mentally it’s easier to do the same amount of child things when you’re not feeling resentful that it’s on you. Getting in from a hard day and having to make dinner for two kids is a pain in the arse sometimes! But when that portion size is extended to a man too (no more actual work) and that man is either sat on the fucking sofa or “out working” - entirely through choice - then that’s when the mental health declines.

So fuck him, go on the holiday, but take the time there to think about your future. A housekeeper won’t stop him being an arsehole.

I’d go on holiday without any concern at all. My DH would do the same were the roles reversed.

I agree with the PP that you need a long term plan. Obviously you cannot work full time in a senior role and do all the childcare + household and have a serious health condition, all whilst he just works. He needs to do more and work less, or you need to get in extra help as you’ve suggested. Do you actually have time for a decent relationship whilst he works all the time and you do everything?

Given that you don’t seem that happy in the relationship I wouldn’t be dropping to part time, I’d consider protecting your income and getting things aligned in case you do split up in the future. Not that you should or would, but useful to think ahead just in case.

Have you actually talked to him about going away? It’s not clear from your posts if he has said he doesn’t want you to go?

He's not really saying much. Seems grumpy. Says it's a bit long.. so I'm guessing he's not so keen on us going.

You cannot, indeed, be serious.

The OP has had to give up her well paid job and make herself financially dependent on him because he thinks childcare and housework are beneath him.

The only unreasonable thing about your proposed trip is that it should be longer. It's normal and healthy for couples to not spend all their time together.

Maybe your DH will realise how much he's taking you and your solicitude for his well-being for granted and buck his ideas up. Or maybe you'll both find you're happier apart. You need a break to rest and reset.

Sounds like a brilliant idea.

I'm a teacher and in the holidays my DH leaves me to do pretty much everything so I often take the kids to my parents house for 10 days as then it's 3 adults and 3 kids and lots of help!

OP, you should absolutely go away, for as long as you need or want to.

What does your husband really bring to your marriage, other than financially?

Do you really want to stay with him if this is going to be your life?

or because she can’t cope? ; man th people people do cope in these circumstances ) Has he actually said it’s beneath him? It sounds a lot like the OP is so so so desperate to please him (her words in update) , she has forgotten her boundaries. And of course, he should help. But has she actually asked him to? Has he actually refused? Or has she been on a mission to try and do everything herself to prove a point? So many variable etc here. The holiday is the least of their worries. The set up sounds terrible.

I’d go in a heartbeat. And if he was grumpy I’d tell him if he were a good husband and. A good dad he would support every opportunity there was for me to have some support and the kids some fun since he’s totally absent as a parent and I’ve given up my job to cope. Other men would adjust their work so they can deliver as a parent and other women would just divorce him, me! I would divorce him and say if you want to see your kids it’s when you’re parenting them and caring for them, I wasn’t put on this earth to facilitate a man’s job to the point of burnout. So he should be very grateful, and you should tell it to him straight - you’re going and if you hear a word you’re going without the kids and he can work it out for a few weeks and get some insights into why you had to quit, because you don’t have a partner.

He's not really saying much. Seems grumpy. Says it's a bit long.. so I'm guessing he's not so keen on us going.

OK, so if it was shorter, would he be spending time with the kids then once you were back? Is it a bit long because he'll miss you and the kids, and wants to be spending that time with you all rather than you being away?

Or is it a bit long, because you won't be there doing things for him in that time?