Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

Go for it. I take my kids away in February half term with my family. DH stays at home and works as we don't have enough leave to cover all the school holidays otherwise. Then in the summer he takes the kids to his parents for a week and I'm home alone working. I've also thrown my husband to the wolves by jetting off for a week when the kids were 1&3. They all lived and my husband even managed to not burn the house down. Who knew they could parent and function?

This sounds really tricky OP. From what I can gather for a long time your H has focussed on work and left you to juggle work, kids, housework and all the mental load that goes with it. Quite understandably you burned out, and he did not step up to support your recovery, leaving you having to quit your job or go under.

By taking issue with having to take care of himself and the house whilst you're away he is clearly showing that he's not capable of juggling the things he expected of you when you were working. In fact given that the children will be with you it's even more pathetic.

I'm cautious about crying LTB, but please do prioritise your recovery and take care of yourself because if you do decide that your marriage isn't right you will be in a stronger position if you're well enough to work. ATM he's got a live in housekeeper, nanny and PA to help him focus on his career- he should be prepared to share those roles to make room for you to work when you are able to.

I'd hazard a guess that life would be a lot less stressful without him.

It's none of your mil business, she can go and look after her useless son while your away.

Go for the two weeks and have a really good think about what you're getting out of this marriage.

YOU need to take care of YOU.

He should be focussing on his family and his struggling wife, but he’s not, so no one gives a rats arse what this selfish fucker thinks. Or his mum. Look in the mirror op and remind yourself - you are worth care, love and support. You deserve respect. You are your children’s everything and they need you healthy.

Genuinely op. How did you not laugh in his face?

This grown man has just told you he sees you as his maid. Is this not ridiculously embarrassing?

I know it's harsh and horrible for you to realise, but, he can't give a flying shit who it is, he just needs someone to do his laundry because he's incapable of it.

That is embarrassing. And it's even worse that he thinks it's fine to say it.

You need to set the wheels in motion to leave op. You cannot be modelling to your children that housework is women's work.

She wouldn’t have had to give up work - through complete burn out - if her DH had pulled his weight. They both worked full time, but on top of that she also did all the housework, childcare, life admin etc.

Maybe if he was left at home for a few weeks and had to juggle cooking, laundry and cleaning the house with his job, he may finally understand what his wife’s life has been like.

All the more reason for you to go away, but not for 2 weeks, go for bloody 4 weeks and leave your lazy, selfish, useless DH to get his arse in gear and manage his job and the house at the same time.

You absolutely deserve the break and he deserves to be taught a very strong lesson.

YANBU, you should definitely go for the full 2 weeks, although I'd be tempted to make it longer!

What about if you arranged for the whole house to be deep cleaned the day after you leave, and again the day before you return home, so he doesn't need to stress about housework too much. WRT his laundry, surely a grown man can manage to wash enough pants, socks and shirts to see himself through a week or two?! Failing that, you could arrange for a laundry collection and ironing service to stop by a couple of times while you're away?

I don't think you should have to arrange anything, but given that he's making you feel guilty, it might be worthwhile putting a couple of things in place to negate his arguments against you going on this (much needed and well deserved) trip with your children.

I hope you do go, and have a wonderful time!

Do you have any say in the choices he makes about work? Could he work less or is he choosing to work the way he does?

Did he give a shit that you were signed off because you were burnt out?

He basically seems to have no respect for you or how hard you have been working for the family. The fact that he can't cope without you for two weeks, not because he will miss you and the kids but because the house will get messy (HIS MESS) and the laundry won't be done (HIS PANTS), is pathetic.

Go, and use this as time to re-evaluate this relationship, because it seems to be putting your mental health at risk.

Yeah, definitely. My DH is a teacher and he’s taken the kids away in school holidays for trips, albeit shorter ones but the point still stands.

By "struggling with housework" he means "not doing any housework", right?

A man whose family is away should be able to keep on top of the washing up, take the bins out and wash his own pants.

He's telling you that you will come home to a week's worth of his dirty laundry and a sink full of dishes.

What a prize wanker he is.

You’re staying with family right? Tell him single men have houses and eat food as well as jobs, and you aren’t leaving to come home until you’ve video called and he’s shown you the tidy house, as you’re not the cleaner and if you’ve taken the children away looking after himself is the BARE MINIMUM FOR AN ADULT.

What the actual fuck am I reading here. He literally only has himself to look after and he can't even do that?

You would be vastly better off without him.

Oh OP I really feel for you. Have this two week holiday with your family and don't feel guilty. You need it, your family are paying, and it won't stop you going away with your DH later in the summer.

He'll cope on his own - one person doesn't generate much housework or washing, and he can buy ready meals if he really doesn't have time to cook.

I hope you can find more happiness and balance going forwards.

I know guys but why do I feel guilty ?

He needs my support I guess.

I think I will go buy I'll feel bad.

I'll try to leave him with everything done, but I will feel bad.

Leaving him has always been an issue for us because he thinks it's important for families to always be together. I do as well however I've always had to travel for work and I've always gone back home regularly because I don't have any family in the UK. I did have a lot of friends when I was at uni and working etc in the UK, but since we've all got married and have had kids etc, everyone has moved around and I don't see anyone much anymore.

So for me my main social network is my family and my husband's family. I'm starting to get to know the mums at my daughter's preschool ( she starts school in September ). But these are very very new connections.

Anyway point being that he's always had a problem with how much I travel. I have done it a lot less since we've had kids. But of course now I'm on this break from work, why should I stay home every half term break on my own with my kids? If I can sometimes come and stay with my parents, my kids get to see their cousins and are learning about a different culture etc. also, during term time I'm literally alone, the entire week with my kids. It's so depressing sometimes. He comes home at 8:30-9 pm. Leaves the house at 6 -7am.

I also just think that's the deal when you marry someone who's not from the UK. He thinks it's me not wanting to create a solid family unit.

In any case, I think I will go, but I'll feel bad about it. Like I usually do.

How can you love this man how can you find him attractive in any way a grown adult who refuses to do any washing it takes 2 minutes to put it In the machine, how is any of his actions loving and caring he wants you home to clean the house and be his safety net.

It doesn't sound like he feels families should be together or he would help his wife so they could be together he just wants a woman to clean and lookafter the kids and do what he says and when. That isn't family being together.

He sounds worse and worse, the more you post about him

@Mrsjayy it's funny because when I am home, he's always complaining it's a mess and he can't find his socks or whatever and when I say that I take care of everything, he makes jokes saying ' yes I'm such a prince ' when I can't even find clean socks etc.

He sometimes can't find clean socks because I refuse to tidy up his drawers. So when I don't have space, I might leave them in the basket.

He literally makes a mess of all his clothes every single day and the bed. I tend to sleep with my youngest as it's easier. When I go into my H room, every day, the sheets are off the bed because he moves around so much. Laundry all over the floor, bathroom full of clothes - no idea what's clean and what isn't etc.

Of course he's struggling without me. His excuse is always his hours.

But yeah so what I do, does have value after all, doesn't it ? He has no idea what it takes to look after the children and run the household every day. And I was doing that, plus working in a highly pressured role. Of course I cracked.

Leaving him has always been an issue for us because he thinks it's important for families to always be together.

No, he really doesn't. He is not together with the family when you are home. He just wants to be looked after.

I'm shocked at what his mum said to you early on - he has clearly been brought up to think the wide should look after the husband.

Please break this chain before it impacts on how your children see family. Would you want to see your DD in this position?

Time to stand firm. Don't feel bad - you are looking after your children and yourself by going away.

OP Can I describe to you how it would work in my house? DH would be keen for me to do whatever would help my health. He’d miss the kids, and would set up a zoom call most days (booking work time, if they go to bed early) so he could see them. He would of course keep himself fed and in clean clothes, though it would involve more pizza and less towel washing than I would do. He would support me with getting back to work, as he wouldn’t want to be the sole earner, by things like helping me write job applications.

That’s what a healthy, mutually supportive relationship looks like. Yours sounds like there’s a lot in it for your DH, but not much for you. I think it’s time to really think about whether it is working for you.

How does he cope with work, if he can’t cope looking for socks?

He wants a nanny and a housekeeper, except then he'd still have to behave like a functioning adult ,so he prefers you parenting him too. You can't go on like this and what example is this for your children. What is his job, have you said. Its always interesting that there are people, usually men, who claim they are too busy and stressed to cope with more than work and are out of the house all hours.

Yes of course. Wouldn't even think twice about it.

He sounds an absolute nightmare I mean not managing to find socks what is wrong with him ? I can't remember reading what his job is but how the hell does he manage !