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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

216 replies

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 07:16

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/05/2024 09:00

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:54

or because she can’t cope? ; man th people people do cope in these circumstances ) Has he actually said it’s beneath him? It sounds a lot like the OP is so so so desperate to please him (her words in update) , she has forgotten her boundaries. And of course, he should help. But has she actually asked him to? Has he actually refused? Or has she been on a mission to try and do everything herself to prove a point? So many variable etc here. The holiday is the least of their worries. The set up sounds terrible.

Show quote history

Can you explain why you think a woman who has a husband should have to "cope" with a full time senior job, 100% of the care of two children under the age of 5 and 100% of the upkeep of the home that they both paid for and both live in, whilst also suffering from health problems, so that he doesn't have to "cope" with anything other than his job?

Because it sounds to me like he isn't really bringing anything other than money to this marriage, whereas the OP has contributed not only money but 100% of everything else as well.

And you begrudge her a holiday without him!

If you want to focus on your career to the exclusion of all else, don't get married and don't have kids.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:01

@Youcannotbeseriousreally I'm not sure why I'm replying to you but anyway.

Of course I've asked. He's too busy and I moan too much and I'm like an albatross around his neck apparently. His words..

This is when I ask him not to just swan around the house all weekend, lying down in bed and resting / watching TV in a separate room from us and leaving me to always be the one to be with the children. I need to announce / ask I'm going to have a shower, he just goes and has one when he wants to, at the weekend. It annoys me and annoyed me even more when I was working.

We had a lot of arguments. Now I'm not working, it's all a bit easier. I just leave him to it, as otherwise he's grumpy and unhappy.

Anyway, I know you'll find a way to make it all my fault - why did I marry him etc. I'm a deficient human etc etc. why did I have a second child with him etc etc etc. I know that's what you're here for.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 30/05/2024 09:02

Hi all,
Just to clarify for everyone that the location of a thread eg AIBU does not mean a suspension of normal rules of conduct. Our guidelines are here for those in need of a refresh.

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Colombie · 30/05/2024 09:03

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 08:25

I literally spend my entire life trying to give him a break and time to himself tbh. He's very grumpy so I always let him have lie ins, look for ways to make him happy constantly, in the hopes that he'll be happier around us. I find his moods difficult to deal with, which is why I pick up all the slack- let him have all the lie ins and also often just take the kids out by myself to give him time to himself - all, to make him happier.

Show quote history

This is very much not a way to recover yourself, and get back to being able to cope with work.

CleftChin · 30/05/2024 09:05

We keep calling it a holiday - but it's not really, it's her normal, day to day life somewhere else with the kids, and with some family around to support/give her a break.

I would say that the break for him is that the kids aren't there, but then it seems like they don't actually affect his life anyway.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:07

Absolutely and utterly go.

And ignore the 'you cannot be serious' or whatever poster. I've seen, presumably him, pop up on various threads to denigrate women, who must be subservient to their lord and master husband at all times.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 30/05/2024 09:08

And of course, he should help

This tells us everything we need to know. An adult man should 'help' to look after his dc and his house??

God. The 1750s called. They want you back, @Youcannotbeseriousreally

ChateauMargaux · 30/05/2024 09:14

FWIW.. whn my kids were little, our summer holidays involved spending time with my family and going away with my kids on my own without my husband. Being alone 24/7 at home is challenging. New environments, new activities and someone else cooking and cleaning, was a huge part of our summer holidays..

But I do think you have bigger things to worry about in your marriage, if your husband is not willing to shoulder any responsibility for household tasks then he is better off fending for himself. He should share responsibility for his children and he should not expect that you provide all the support infrastructure for him as well as yourself and your children.

Do decide what support you need, nanny, personal assistant etc to make your life run smoothly and make this happen.. if he does not support the day to day needs at home he does not get to veto the things you need in place to support you.

Testina · 30/05/2024 09:17

OP:
He doesn't get much time off at all.

Also OP:
This is when I ask him not to just swan around the house all weekend, lying down in bed and resting / watching TV in a separate room from us and leaving me to always be the one to be with the children

The problem is not your senior job, or having kids - and it’s possibly not even your health issues. It’s him.

Get the housekeeper if you’re staying with him, but FGS please safeguard your own financial future by getting back to your job. I bet you’re great at it, and I bet you worked hard to achieve the role you did. Work wasn’t the reason for the “burn out” - he was. Yet you got rid of work and not him!

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:19

I'm now catching up on the whole thread @holsquestions and I'm getting incensed on your behalf. PLEASE take absolutely no notice of the misogynistic bellend who pops up all the time to be a complete arsehole to awesome women who are understandably burnt out.

One thing that has popped up for me op, is you keep saying you're not supported at home. You should be. That would be the point of a marriage. He should be your biggest supporter. I would do some thinking on what value he is bringing to yours and your childrens lives.

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2024 09:24

Honestly OP, what does he bring to the table apart from money to pay the bills?
You say you've mentioned it to him and he's being grumpy and saying it's a bit long. I'd hazard a guess that he's not thinking he'd miss you and the kids for that length of time, more he'll miss his cook, cleaner, dogsbody.
I'd go with the kids and quite possibly not come back to him. Stay with your family who will actually bother to support you.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:29

HopeMumsnet · 30/05/2024 09:02

Hi all,
Just to clarify for everyone that the location of a thread eg AIBU does not mean a suspension of normal rules of conduct. Our guidelines are here for those in need of a refresh.

Please can you look at many of the comments on all threads by @Youcannotbeseriousreally

This is supposed to be a site to support mothers. And it usually is. But this poster comes along and attacks women at every chance. These women come here for support when they're really low, and often hone in on this particular poster's unsupportive (every time) comments, because they are low and start second guessing.

This op needed serious help before she burnt out, and her thread has been derailed and descended in to deletion messages once again due to one poster.

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:30

He seems to get time off at the weekend.

Seriously @holsquestions what are his good points as I am struggling to see them.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:33

Testina · 30/05/2024 08:41

I literally spend my entire life trying to give him a break and time to himself tbh. He's very grumpy so I always let him have lie ins, look for ways to make him happy constantly, in the hopes that he'll be happier around us. I find his moods difficult to deal with, which is why I pick up all the slack- let him have all the lie ins and also often just take the kids out by myself to give him time to himself - all, to make him happier.

He’s a shitty bully.
No doubt a big contributor to your mental health issues.
As a family, you’ve been able to afford (with his income and your savings) for you to take a long period off work.
So… you could have afforded for him not to only have one week off a year and zero time outside of that.

Go on the holiday. But don’t think it’s going to change anything for you.
Get a housekeeper 3 hours a day, and sure you’ll have less laundry. But you’ll still be married to an arsehole.

I suspect you’re more than capable of your senior position (you made it there!) and children. What tips the balance into despair is a man treating you like shit.

Every single mother I know says the same thing: mentally it’s easier to do the same amount of child things when you’re not feeling resentful that it’s on you. Getting in from a hard day and having to make dinner for two kids is a pain in the arse sometimes! But when that portion size is extended to a man too (no more actual work) and that man is either sat on the fucking sofa or “out working” - entirely through choice - then that’s when the mental health declines.

So fuck him, go on the holiday, but take the time there to think about your future. A housekeeper won’t stop him being an arsehole.

Brilliant post.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/05/2024 09:34

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 07:29

We have agreed if I go back to a similar position, then we will need a housekeeper for 2-3 hours a day, 5 days a week.

He does get that it's not going to work otherwise

Another option is going into a less intensive role etc. maybe something part time.

I said I would leave until after summer to even really think and look for a new role etc.

Show quote history

Or do you know what? He could just step up to the plate. Self employed or not (as many people are) they don't all just opt put of hone life and dump it on their partner.

Definitely go on the trips while you have the chance whilst not working. Indeed gonkn some solo trips leaving him to sort the kids and have time for yourself.

Colombie · 30/05/2024 09:34

@arethereanyleftatall you need to hit the report button on the inappropriate posts.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:34

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:30

He seems to get time off at the weekend.

Seriously @holsquestions what are his good points as I am struggling to see them.

I make sure he gets rest. I did that even when we was working. His job is more physical. Mine was a desk job. So I felt like he needed the rest more.

Even though I was up at night and also looking after sick kids all night, alone.

It's not fair but he just doesn't budge on it. His life is the hardest. He's unhappy with life I think.

His good qualities ? I don't know anymore. It's just been about getting through the days and surviving for a really long time now.

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:36

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

It doesn't sound like they're bad partners at all. Just, like everyone, muddling through the best they can.

It sounds like the husband has been supportive of his wife's career break and it doesn't sound like, from the information we've been given, that he has any issues with her not working.

Similarly the OP is carefully considering his feelings before she takes a trip away, to see her family. She also has taken on the task of doing everything in the home etc. And I'm sure he appreciates not having to do this while he works.

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:38

OK following on from the updates he doesn't sound like the best partner

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:40

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:36

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

It doesn't sound like they're bad partners at all. Just, like everyone, muddling through the best they can.

It sounds like the husband has been supportive of his wife's career break and it doesn't sound like, from the information we've been given, that he has any issues with her not working.

Similarly the OP is carefully considering his feelings before she takes a trip away, to see her family. She also has taken on the task of doing everything in the home etc. And I'm sure he appreciates not having to do this while he works.

Yes exactly.

I would like him to be happy we have this opportunity to go away and enjoy the sunshine.

I would like him to be happy for us.

I don't really want to go if he's unhappy about us going.

He seems unhappy with us going tbh. He won't say don't go. But he doesn't seem to be happy for us.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

Maybe we'll not go for the whole two weeks.

However for years now I've only ever had maximum a week of summer holidays and my kids have also never been to the beach for longer than 6 days, so it would be cool to go for two weeks.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:41

You're making sure he gets rest op, but what is he doing for you?

You're trying to please him, does he try to please you?

You have put yourself at the bottom of the pile for far far too long.

You need to go to your family. You might discover you'd rather stay there permanently.

CleftChin · 30/05/2024 09:42

I make sure he gets rest. I did that even when we was working. His job is more physical. Mine was a desk job. So I felt like he needed the rest more.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

You're continuously putting him ahead of both you and the kids - please, PLEASE put the kids and yourself first for once.

He has a physically tiring job. You have a mentally tiring one, PLUS all the housework and kids (is that not both physically and mentally tiring too? It is for me!)

You don't want him to resent you for going on the trip - will the kids and you not resent him for emotionally blackmailing you out of going?

Please put yourself first, and if not you, then the children.

mitogoshi · 30/05/2024 09:43

Go, it's one summer and you might not get another chance

Naunet · 30/05/2024 09:43

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:54

or because she can’t cope? ; man th people people do cope in these circumstances ) Has he actually said it’s beneath him? It sounds a lot like the OP is so so so desperate to please him (her words in update) , she has forgotten her boundaries. And of course, he should help. But has she actually asked him to? Has he actually refused? Or has she been on a mission to try and do everything herself to prove a point? So many variable etc here. The holiday is the least of their worries. The set up sounds terrible.

Show quote history

Sorry, you think men need to be asked to parent their own kids?! Who asks mums to?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:44

Can you work out why he would be unhappy op? Is it because he'd miss you all so much? Because it seems like he either works or hides away from you all. It must be lovely to have a family, and hear their noise and chatter, and a beautiful home, and food on the table without having to put any effort in. Anyone would miss that. Not your problem though.