Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

I think it's probably a mixture of missing out, missing the kids and also not having his laundry done / being cooked for.

Please for the love of God go for the whole 2 weeks. He’s a grown adult man, he can cope for two weeks on his own. This leech is sucking you dry, prioritise yourself for once.

How much time does he actually spend with the SC? Why does he only get one week off in the summer?

When you go on holiday together does he participate in everything you do with DC, or does he have to rest by himself then too @holsquestions

OP, please, just go for the two weeks. Tell him that it's part of your recovery. He will survive and I really don't think that you and your kids should miss out because he has to.
I'd be more sympathetic to him if he did anything to spend time with you at any other time. But he can't be arsed, so put yourself and the kids first just this once

When he takes himself off to the sofa every weekend to"rest" do you think he agonises over whether or not you are happy about it? Does he only stay in bed late if he knows you are happy so he can lie in "with a clear conscience"?

What do you think, honestly?

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You haven't been put on this earth to serve your husband op. You are a person too, equal to him.

Yes he does participate. Sometimes it can be a bit boring / difficult because I would want to do a little more with the kids perhaps but he often just wants to stay at the accommodation. That kind of thing.

That's probably just a difference in temperament.

Or the fact that I'm more used to being with the kids and the work that entails when you're out and about. Whereas he isn't and just finds it so incredibly stressful. Taking a 1 year old and 3 year old to the beach is not easy ! I always have to drive the momentum, otherwise he'd always pick the easier options which mean us staying in and plonking then down in front of the TV or whatever.

Missing the kids? I thought he hardly saw them, so how would he miss them? Put yourself first for once, OP, and go.

Your h doesn't prioritise you at all. You need to.

I’ll hazard a guess that his only issue will be not having you facilitating his life for a few weeks. Otherwise, he’ll be living the dream while you’re gone.

He can work all hours, lie ins to his heart’s content and all sorts.

Go on holiday, enjoy the company and support. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so go heal yourself.

You’ll be back in no time to pick up where you left off.

So surprise, surprise, he still prioritises himself when you all go away as well. When you get back from your 2 FULL WEEKS away (because you have to go for the full time, mumsnet says so), please get some therapy. You can’t carry on pandering to his entitled man.

Is being married to him actually worth it?

(In answer to your question, you're definitely not BU)

He sounds like an old fashioned absent father just letting mum deal with the kids whilst he relaxes, no wonder your burnt out and exhausted. He is happy to let you do everything because him his job his happiness is more important than you and the children.

Why do you need his approval and blessing tho? I mean, I do understand why you want it because people who care about each other want each other to be happy. But he sure as shit doesn't care about you being happy about anything he does. Does he?

You need to put yourself first for once.

Go on the trip. Find out what YOU want.

If it's a life with DP in it what do you need to make it work.

I'm not saying LTB but you sound so unhappy in this relationship and that's not fair on any of you.

You absolutely should go and don't go back to him. Don't go part time, you don't need him, his absolute lack of any support or care of you and your children are likely a huge contributing factor to your MH. He brings nothing but money to your relationship, when you are ready to return to work, if you can afford to,.you need to leave him. He is an absolute selfish piece of crap.
My husband was self-employed for a long period but always did his fair share with the house and children.

Yes, go away for 2 weeks with your family, then tack on another week when your husband can get leave. You need to rest and recharge. Being alone at home doing all the grunt work is not going to help you do that.

I know you said you have already discussed how your return to work next year may be possible...but I don't think a cleaner a few hours a week is going to cut it. Perhaps it's worth re-visiting that discussion (not necessarily now) in terms of how you both see family life changing in future - i.e. doing things together, managing child care, both getting down time, having time together as a couple etc?

It never ceases to amaze me how many men - particularly those self employed - couldn't possibly pick up their share of the slack when it comes to caring for the home or children...

Have you talked to him about it? He probably won't mind you going at all! I can imagine 2 weeks of eating whatever he wants, having the tv to himself and a bit of peace and quiet being very appealing! I'd love it 😊

What does he add to your life? When the DC were young I worked very long hours and DH was self employed (at one point he was a SAHD). He used to take the DC to visit his family in North Africa for 3-4 weeks in the Summer. I would go out for a week if I could. Of course I missed them but I also recognised that my choice to work the hours I did couldn’t dictate how the reason the family spent their holidays.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally you sound utterly ghastly

Sounds like he won't be happy if you go and won't be happy if you don't go.

So go and have a nice time with your family.

I recently had to go on a work trip so for the first time my partner had both kids on his own, the house to run and his job.

So, basically he was me for 4 days. Our set ups sound fairly similar apart from my partner doesn't get into the moods but I do everything around the house and carry the majority of the mental load/childcare. Anyway, when I returned he was exhausted and had more respect for me than ever - he said he didn't realise how full on it was.

It sounds to me like you haven't put yourself first for a very long time. It also doesn't sound like your husband has much respect for you or your wellbeing.

Please do not feel guilty about taking this time - everyone has their breaking point. You have done very well in recognizing that you're struggling rather than trying to soldier on because that seems to be what is expected of women and mothers - to put everyone before ourselves, even if it kills us. Enjoy your time with your family and try to relax, it's no use making yourself ill with stress.

Definitely go. Use this time to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with a grumpy.man who has opted.out of family.life..

I don't think it sounds unreasonable OP, what does your DH think about it? Of course he should be supportive, but have you asked? I only say that as there's a hint of resentment of him not doing as much as you with the kids/household etc, while you simultaneously take it for granted that he's happy provide for the family while you recover and reset, with no real plan in place. He may be worried that this is it forever. I think you both need to talk about the future and how that looks for your family. If you need him to do more, say so. If he feels unhappy or worried that he is having to work a lot to support his family, listen. It's meant to be a partnership.
Also, seek medical support if you need it.

Posted as a FT shift working, life administrating, household running mother whose 'D'H is apparently too ill to work years after what was meant to be a couple of months off to get better. I fell into a trap I cannot seem to escape. If you don't talk, the rot and resentment will set in on both sides, believe me.