Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

[holsquestions]

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

Better the children have a mother who doesn’t work for a bit in order to recover her health than a mother who worked herself until death. A nervous breakdown/ suicide would impact the family much more than the career break due to burnout.

I’m sure her husband is fine with the “odd set up” so his wife can get some much needed help.

It’s so much more than that. Of course he can do that. It doesn’t sound like either of them are good partners to each other does it?

@holsquestions - I'm currently signed off due to stress from burn out, will be going back but stepping down into a different role. My DH has been nothing but supportive and would 100% encourage me to do a trip like this in these circumstances. It is a bit of therapy to help you recover and also get some perspective so you can think through what your next steps are and what life will look for you moving forward. I also think that underlying all this there is work to consider in your relationship with your DH - it feels like he is not signed up for family life leaving you feeling isolated and having to do the lionshare of that on top of any work - is that the life you want for yourself? Getting a housekeeper helps but it won't make your partnership more effective....

@holsquestions I thought you meant leave him entirely from your headline! Of course you can leave him for a couple of weeks. I would definitely stock up the fridge/freezer before you go with things you think he will eat (although don't buy more fresh food than you are sure he will eat). I'm sure he could do it himself but it sounds like it would make you less concerned.

Also, now you are not working, try to get to know more people locally. Look for classes/drop-ins at your library, or playgroups. You might have them in children's centres or local church halls or village halls. Spend time at the playground on good weather days. Maybe see if your children can join a class and you go with them?

When the children start school you will get to know more people that way but it's good to get to know some before school if you can - but in the summer holidays people do travel so there are likely to be fewer people around.

Des he do any parenting? How many days a week does he work?

Hold on, he does nothing at all for the home and children?

I would certainly go. Then I'd come home and get a divorce.

But then I think of my DH as a partner not a bank loan. Why is the default solution for this a change to YOUR work pattern and not his?

Sorry, that sounded harsh, I didn't mean it to. I just think you've had an extremely hard time and deserve some support. You have the right to demand that from him, the father of your children.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally so I'm a bad partner because I'm a stay at home mum for a bit and taking care of the kids and my family for a bit ? But not contributing financially for a bit ? When I've worked like a dog looking after everyone for years and literally do not recognise myself, due to the massive sacrifices I've made? Everything we own, I put in 50 percent. We would be nowhere without all my sacrifices.

You do realise some women never work and are stay at home mums and still are good partners ?

You're disrespecting the work that goes into looking after kids and home.

My husband has made many sacrifices too, but he literally focuses 100 percent on his work. Everything else is up to me.

I think you’re bad partners to each other. Neither of you seem to support the other. That’s really sad .

this isn’t about house work or childcare. This is about having a relationship and being there for each other.

Of course you should go.

Your h doesn't sound like a good source of support. You should absolutely get support from family and friends.

I know lots of families with German heritage where the German parent takes the children over to Germany for a couple of weeks in the summer to see grandparents and have some immersion in the language, while the non-German parent has a bit of a break from parenting at home.

I take DS down to DM’s house in Sussex for a half terms and a couple of weeks in summer as I get more AL than DH. DH stays at home and enjoys the peaceful tidy house.

I take DS skiing while DH stays at home - DH hates skiing, my family love it.

I don’t see anything wrong with any of that. Totally normal in my circles. Unless you both get 13 weeks of AL, you are going to need to stagger your holidays once the children are in school anyway.

Her DH doesn't go much at home or with the kids from the sound of it. Yes it does sound like he works hard but he doesn't do all the extra stuff OP did when she was working so less chance of him burning out.
OP go on this holiday and recharge. Don't worry about people who think because you are a woman you should be able to do everything and shouldn't need a holiday. You need to look after yourself.

For the sake of your mental health and for your children I think you should go.

I also think you could look at putting things in place so you're not so lonely.

Do you go to any baby / toddler groups? These were a life saver for me and where I met some life long friends.

Your husband's job sounds extreme. He gets so little holiday and is working so much he can't help at all with the family. I'd be talking with him about whether he could look at a different job.

Perhaps if he had been supportive and hadn't left OP to do everything when she was struggling, OP wouldn't have had to leave her job?? It sounds fair to me.

Ask him? And ask for an honest answer?

OP you should go. It's not a 'holiday' as such - you'll still be looking after the kids, just as you would at home, but with some help as your partner doesn't give you any support there at all.

My mum used to take us to our nans every half term, because it was too much having all of us in the house for a week solid alone. It's entirely normal.

Your partner has the power to change things if he wanted, but instead, left you to get to your breaking point - so something will need to change, but it sounds like it's going to be you. Don't let his unwillingness to change drag you down and put you and the children at financial risk. Don't give everything up without making sure that you still have pension contributions etc.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally - It’s so much more than that. Of course he can do that. It doesn’t sound like either of them are good partners to each other does it?

You are kidding, right?? Sounds like OP has worked herself into the ground and her useless h didn't step up, even when he knew she was struggling.

There's one partner who's not good here, but it's not OP.

Are you OP's useless h??

Your username is certainly apt 🙄🙄

Absolutely do it. We have both done this multiple times over the years, either off on own or off with kids. I love being with just my boys for a bit and I love the calm and independence of a bit of me time, even if I'm working.

It's a really healthy thing all round.

Neither of them sound great.

Absolutely do it.

If your h is self employed but is working so hard that he can do absolutely no childcare or housework, and can only take one week of holiday, then he should be bringing in millions each year.

If he's not, then he should work out what he's being paid per hour. If it's crap, he should jack in the self-employed work and get a proper job where he can actually contribute to his family.

@holsquestions I think you should go. I regret not taking up offers to holiday with my family purely because DP didn't know when he could get time off work.

Do you think he would enjoy the peace and quiet?

It's fine. He'll probably love time alone?! Both DH and I take the kids away on our own a couple of times a year for various reasons. We also have family holidays together but it's perfectly normal for us to leave the other one behind sometimes.
I literally count the days until DH takes the kids away. I love having time to myself!