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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

573 replies

Anklie · 30/05/2024 01:24

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 30/05/2024 01:33

Objectively it is a lot, yes; but he earns a lot, has a good pension lined up, and is mortgage free, so I rather imagine he enjoys spending money on his daughter and helping his small family stay connected and got into the habit a while ago.

Does he have any other children?

Original poster
Anklie · 30/05/2024 01:36

AutumnCrow · 30/05/2024 01:33

Objectively it is a lot, yes; but he earns a lot, has a good pension lined up, and is mortgage free, so I rather imagine he enjoys spending money on his daughter and helping his small family stay connected and got into the habit a while ago.

Does he have any other children?

No she is an only child - thank goodness considering the spending!

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 30/05/2024 01:36

i don't think this is excessive of a high earning father.
nosey about the flat though, does she own it? is she renting or mortgaged?

HolyCannoli · 30/05/2024 01:36

God, OP! It's none of your business really. Sounds like he can afford it and what else would he be spending his money on? It does seem expensive but it's all proportionate. I hope I'll be able to support my children into adulthood, anything to take the pressures off a bit and make life pleasurable. Isn't that what it's all about?

SuzySizzle · 30/05/2024 01:37

She is 23 and earning £45k a year. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think you need to worry that she is a lazy layabout. He's got money and likes spending it on his daughter. I think that's ok. It's quite a lot but I can see it's the type of thing that is a very positive thing to buy for someone.

XelaM · 30/05/2024 01:38

I spend more than that on my own daughter 🤷‍♀️ my money and my kid - no one's business. It makes me happy to spend money on her. If any new partner was telling me not to spend money on my own kid, I would show them the door.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2024 01:40

You’re going over his bank accounts and outgoings?
WTF? It’s none of your business.

Original poster
Anklie · 30/05/2024 01:42

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 30/05/2024 01:36

i don't think this is excessive of a high earning father.
nosey about the flat though, does she own it? is she renting or mortgaged?

It was my husbands aunts, she had no children so it was left to him, was in a sorry state at the time but they've worked wonders must be worth over 1mil now as it has a front balcony and a back terrace which when I was living in London was like gold dust never mind the location!

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 30/05/2024 01:43

It is absolutely none of your business. He sounds like an engaged and caring father - he earns well and obviously enjoys being able to treat his daughter.

Wonderingforever · 30/05/2024 01:43

To be honest unless it impacts his ability to fund his half of your shared costs it's none of your business.

She is an adult, how he opts at this stage of his life to interact and treat his adult daughter is his choice.

We earn over 6 figures between us, and fund some things for one of our adult kids monthly. The other we don't as what we fund they have in place themselves. But we use our money towards them for holidays if we plan them and they come.

We are both SPs to them since they were kids.

She works. You might want to figure out why it bothers you so much and your so judgemental about it.

She earns more than half your salary at 23.

Is it because at her age you didn't have a similar income and someone like her dad in your life?

Jealously is a pretty common emotion in blended family situations, underneath alot of problems and resentment.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2024 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Appleblum · 30/05/2024 01:45

It's none of your business really. He earns well, has no mortgage, has a good pension... what would you rather he spend his money on?

novocaine4thesoul · 30/05/2024 01:47

OOF, these are high amounts, must admit. I am assuming the members clubs are for him not his daughter - all pretty cancellable if push comes to shove though. If you are protected by keeping your flat and your income, and you will both have some income to enjoy things together in retirement, then maybe OK. I am a bit unsure about the "moving in together" bit - if you mean you will be moving in with him and his mortgage is paid off, then it is a million miles from starting afresh with a new joint mortgage.

itslunicorns · 30/05/2024 01:50

Does he have a (slightly younger) brother?! I'd be celebrating this type of partner/dad.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2024 01:52

Appleblum · Today 01:45
It's none of your business really. He earns well, has no mortgage, has a good pension... what would you rather he spend his money on?”

ooh, I wonder …..

Original poster
Anklie · 30/05/2024 01:53

novocaine4thesoul · 30/05/2024 01:47

OOF, these are high amounts, must admit. I am assuming the members clubs are for him not his daughter - all pretty cancellable if push comes to shove though. If you are protected by keeping your flat and your income, and you will both have some income to enjoy things together in retirement, then maybe OK. I am a bit unsure about the "moving in together" bit - if you mean you will be moving in with him and his mortgage is paid off, then it is a million miles from starting afresh with a new joint mortgage.

What do you mean unsure of the moving in together?

I will be moving into his home (it's larger and in a nicer part of the city; plus his daughter grew up there). Neither of us have a mortgage to pay off so I will rent out my property (eventually my niece and nephews will inherit this), the rental income will go to covering all bills for his property, with our incomes/eventually pensions going to personal spending. When he dies I will either move back into my property or if I'm older look at a care home. The entire property plus anything else he has will go to his daughter.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/05/2024 02:05

You sound extremely judgemental

If he can afford it then why not spoil his daughter? She's on an incredibly good wage for someone her age

You have a solid plan to fund your lifestyles and plan to keep individual monies separate so I don't see why you needed to go digging anyway other than a total lack of trust and a bit of nosing

novocaine4thesoul · 30/05/2024 02:40

Ah happy days then ! . By pooling your assets, you are both living mortgage free, and hopefully bill free with the income from your flat. Then you will both have a certain amount of your own income that you can pool and spend however you choose. I guess as long as you are contributing equally to the pool, then there is no worries about what the rest is spent on. If he cannot match you (because he has outgoings for his daughter) then there is an issue that you need to talk about. If you cannot match him, then there is still an issue that you need to talk about.

CJsGoldfish · 30/05/2024 02:43

Examing bank accounts is pretty controlling so I think that's the bigger issue. Looking for 'gambling issues' after 2 years together already is a pretty poor excuse

I agree that is seems excessive but unless this affects his ability to pay his share, it's really not your business

stressedespresso · 30/05/2024 02:53

It is absolutely none of your business, nor will it affect you. Some alarmingly controlling behaviour on your side here OP, if this is the extent that you feel the need to over analyse things then it’s worth thinking whether this will be a viable relationship in the long term - my gut tells me no.

Pacificisolated · 30/05/2024 02:53

He probably wants to make sure she remains fit and slim so her boyfriend will marry her and take over financial responsibility for her 😂😉

But seriously, have you tried talking to him about it? How did this arrangement come about? If you are planning to completely combine finances I can see that you would want to know it’s not permanent but it sounds like you’re doing a pretty equal exchange - your rental income for a house in a nice area.

yumyumyumy · 30/05/2024 02:57

Rich people problems.

Dentistlakes · 30/05/2024 04:32

She’s fortunate for sure, but it’s his daughter and his money. I would be careful about commenting on this to him. I wouldn’t take kindly to a partner complaining about me supporting my child.

SuuzeeeQ · 30/05/2024 04:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2024 01:40

You’re going over his bank accounts and outgoings?
WTF? It’s none of your business.

Exactly so weird and controlling. I wouldn’t dream of asking my DH for his bank account statements and wouldn’t show mine!
And yes none of your business what his DD earns and what he gives her money for. They are both adults, it has nothing to do with you. You sound jealous and judgemental (“excessive and not teaching her anything”).

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/05/2024 04:37

SO the rental from your property is going to pay the bills for both of you?

Not sure about that.

Anyway - what he coughs up for his kid now isn't an issue if it doesn't impact on you.

But what does the future look like - when he retires, is he going to carry on funding her to this extent? When will that stop?

If he dies, what happens to the property you both live in, will you lose your home to her?

I think these are things you need to discuss, now!