Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

I also feel like you are a bit obsessed over material things and spend too much time thinking about it. You know the DD’s income, you estimated the value of her flat (weird), you even know her BF’s salary!

why are so over invested in this young woman’s life? If her father’s spending bothers you so much, I would not marry him. As for sure he will continue to support her and possibly more (pay for a wedding etc) especially if she is an only child. After you marry, will he protect her childhood home and leave it to her, or are you expecting to inherit? If it goes to her, she might kick you out especially if you show your disapproval so early!

So you're both well paid, and he chooses to spend some of his money supporting his daughter? I can't really see any issue here.

I would like to know why ALL the rent money you make will go toward paying HIS part of HIS house bills?
You need to figure out what the monthly bills are and split them down the middle, any extra from your rental property/income should go toward fattening up YOUR pension. You will have a lot of expenses when you rent. Repairs, maintenance, wear and tear, etc. You need to keep several thousand aside for those things as everything breaks sooner or later.

Perhaps you could give him a couple hundred pounds a month extra but please, do NOT short yourself and right now, it sounds like you are.

Is it also true then that the DP has no business knowing what OP will get for rent?

Why does he want to use HER rental income for his bills?

What part of "they were BOTH going through BOTH people's income and outgo" did you not understand? Not just his and not just hers, but both...capisce?

The misogyny of this board is laughable. You all have no problem telling OP what her DP does with his money is not her business, yet say nothing/nada/zilch/zip about the fact that it will be HER rental income paying HIS bills.

Make it make sense!

Good point. Since her rental income is paying ALL the household bills, she should have some stake in the house. In the end, that house will be worth a lot more than a house that has been used and abused as a rental. And she'll have nothing to show for it.

Are you definitely getting married, OP? (And are you in England)

You need to have a word with yourself, OP. He’s not your husband. She’s not your daughter. He can spend his money on whatever he wants. Since, by your own admission, she will inherit everything of his when he dies anyway, all she’s doing is getting her inheritance early. Does it matter whether he gives her the money now or leaves it to her when he’s dead?

You sound awful. Going through his bank statements because you were looking for evidence of gambling. So you don’t trust him and made horrible assumptions. I assume you didn’t tell him you thought he was gambling. Now it turns out that not only is he not gambling but he’s spending his money on good things for his daughter, her health and wellbeing, and you can’t handle it because you wanted your rich boyfriend to spend it on you. You’re a gold digger. He deserves better than someone who assumes the worst of him and just wants his money. Do him a favour and leave him to find someone better.

@itslunicorns or an older one 🥳🥳🥳😂he sounds lovely what a lovely dad stop being jealous

It has zero impact on you so not seeing why it’s an issue

He can spend on his daughter as he wishes.

The most important issue is you plan on paying for his share of the bills.
Would this also include you paying for repairs on his property ?

You should be putting some of that aside for YOUR pension !
And some towards your own property maintenance.

If this means it gets complicated, stay put in your own flat.

Another one here worried more about your rental income covering the bills. What happens if the there is no rental income? Are you still paying? All his income is then for personal use?

The amounts he's paying do seem high, but not terribly unusual. What is his daughter like generally towards her dad? Does she use him as a cash point?

It is great to go through accounts and see what spending patterns are like .

I think it would be a good idea for you to have some protection if he dies first - last thing you want is to be chucked out on to the street by his daughter.

What about the maintenance of your property?
That should come from the rental income first.
What are his bills like first?
If he wants to gift his daughter monthly and can afford to then that is his business.
Protect yyour property and the condition of it carefully.
You could need it at any time to return to OR a place to rent while your tenants finish a tenancy.
Houses deteriorate very quickly in condition if not looked after.

Yes, it's a lot to spend on his daughter, but in the context of high earnings and what is clearly a comfortable lifestyle for the family in general, I'd say it's fine.
I'd see it as a positive to be honest, I'd love to have the income to be able to treat my children like that. It's also relevant that his daughter is working and earning - it's not like she is relying totally on her father.

You all sound far too rich.

Maybe you could throw a few quid my way?? I could do with a gardener to sort out my creeping buttercup.

It does seem an unusual thing to pay out for as a parent. Of all the things I might expect to help out adult DC with, funding expensive gym membership wouldn't.figure on the list.

He sounds lovely, you sound jealous.

The rental income from your property shouldn’t be covering all the bills. Split the bills in half and you each pay half. If he wants to charge you rent thats separate. Tbh this bit would give me more pause than what he spends his disposable income on.

What he spends on his DD is his own business really. It is a lot but I can absolutely imagine DH doing the same. As long as there is no financial impact on you and you aren’t in any parental role then I wouldn’t worry about it.

In fact I'm wondering what all these jobs are that you have.

45k at age 23 for the daughter - really? Over 100k for her partner - noice.

Your bloke >160k plus nice fat pension - well picked.

You make £70k plus have an extra house to rent out. Not bad.

And you're concerned your bloke is spending either over £800 (or over £1000) per month on his daughter - it isn't clear which from your title and OP.

What is clear is that your man there brings in £8k a month (before pension deductions) and that you are very greedy to be even poking your nose in his business.

Alternatively, this whole scenario could be made up.

I'm leaning towards the latter.

Personally I think she's taking the piss! She's got a nice home - free! A good salary for her age and a bf who's minted. That monthly income could be better spent on a nice holiday for two. I'm with you OP, and yes it is your business - your whole rental income is going to be paying the bills while he keeps the spoilt 'woman' in luxuries.. daughter or not, it's a sizeable expense that could be better spent.

Yep like pp why are you going to be paying all the bills? Upkeep and maintenance of your home need to be factored in firstly.
Then you split bills surely. He will be living bill free. No mortgage and you paying the bills. His dd gym membership is the least of it.

To me it sounds like you all have the means to live comfortably without worrying much about money. The dd is a responsible, contributing member of society and it doesn't look like she's taking drugs/gambling. If you're going to be getting married then you're right to be taking an interest in each other's finances but I think you have very little justification for objecting to him treating his own daughter tbh. I'd just enjoy the fact that you're probably all more fortunate than 99% of the human beings on this planet and don't make issues where there aren't any OP

Can you, your boyfriend, his daughter and her boyfriend - all lend me a tenner please?

So he earns double what you do, but when you move in with him (into his mortgage free property) you’re going to be paying all the bills?

In the meantime he pays £1K a month to his DD who lives in his second mortgage-free property.

Um, yeah, I can see why you’d be thinking WTF…

I think OP is sensible to make sure they understand each other's finances before they move in together, so many posters on MN would have been well advised to do that.

Personally, I don't think you help an adult child by supporting them to that extent, but almost all the divorced fathers of adult children I know do to soem extent, I suspect out of a sense of guilt for leaving. (Is he divorced from her mother?)

Also, it's different for HNW individuals, giving her money from income now, protects it from inheritance tax later.

Ultimately, there's nothing wrong in what he's doing, it's just different to what you might do and you have to decide if your values are compatible.