Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Probably none of your business OP but he'd go down in my estimation for wanting to pay for his adult child's hobbies when she earns enough to pay for herself. I'd also wonder why she's accepting it.

He's not really teaching his daughter about being sensible with money. This would annoy me.(I love a bargin...My local council gym membership is £27 per month for unlimited classes and gym use and swims).
Really it's not your concern as ITS HIS MONEY, but I would keep my I independence ability to cut ties and leave if he turns out to be a prick.

Oddly, he'd go up in my estimation and why shouldn't she accept it, it's a well-intentioned gift from a parent who loves her. It's not as if she's using it to gamble, is it?

Whilst his parents have paid for tuition for DC, that's about it.

But plenty of people would say that that is proof positive that your DH is not actually independent and is still relying on his parents financially, if he 'can't' pay for what his own DC need.

There's a huge spectrum of financial support that goes on in different families between adults in different generations - all the way from the ones who kick them out at 16 and barely see them again to the billionaires' grown up DC whose lifelong 'careers' are effectively 'being the DC of a billionaire' - one who bankrolls absolutely everything they could possibly want for them right up until the point that they die and leave them the lot anyway.

Same here. I'd think very differently if she were demanding it, or if she were going on endless shopping sprees, blowing it on booze or similar; but assuming that he freely offers to pay for her to follow her - admittedly not budget-version - health and fitness regime, I'd see that as the actions of a loving parent.

It's interesting how few people on this thread seem to be that bothered about her other parent's appalling demonstration of her abject lack of love for her from a young age; but it's the parent who has been there for her and loved and supported her throughout who is getting the criticism!

Don’t be jealous! Be happy for her and him. They are fortunate enough to live a good life. Don’t rock the boat.

I wonder if he’d go down in your estimation if he wanted to pay for your hobbies.

Or maybe they’re just rich with a lot of inherited wealth.

High earning doesn’t equate to having shit together and being a decent person. It often means knowing the right people.

@Waterloooo I wonder if he’d go down in your estimation if he wanted to pay for your hobbies.

It would depend on if I was able to pay for them myself or not. If so, I wouldn't accept his offer.

Very true! 😊. Maybe OP instigated it because of her ex and his gambling.

What he is doing is fine, I'd say nothing about it. Financially you are both doing a lot better than most. Carry on enjoying your life together.

I feel the response would be ‘ there is potential he is trying to interfere/ control how you parent , what you spend your money on, etc.. red flags, etc etc.

So Dh isnt financially independant?
Or do you decide thats where you draw the line?
Cos it suits you now?

It seems like the focus is not solely on money but rather on value. One person values children's learning autonomy and resourcefulness, while the other values caring and indulgence. Neither is inherently good or bad. Finding a good balance is often more valuable, but rather than questioning what one gives their daughter, it may be more insightful to understand the values they are instilling in her and why it's significant to them. This approach allows for a sharing of values and personal experiences, fostering a closer connection and mutual understanding between you two. Suggestions can be offered on how important life skills can be imparted to the daughter, as she will eventually need to manage her own life, regardless of her future circumstances. Understanding money management, striving for success, and protecting assets are key skills she will need to learn, even if she doesn't possess them yet.

I am curious about the mother's perspective in all of this. It might also be related to a financial agreement between your partner and his ex-wife when they separated.

It seems like the focus is not solely on money but rather on value. One person values children's learning autonomy and resourcefulness

Is it though? This DD seems autonomous and resourceful with an excellent income for her age.

It’s simply that her DF is relatively well off and chooses to spend money on his DD. Anything she inherits later she will have to pay IHT on and some parents like to pass money to their kids while they’re living.

As the daughter works in wealth management at a bank, lessons from her father at this late stage on understanding money management, striving for success and protecting assets might be met with some amusement.

AI ?

I might ask OP whether he is paying this for his daughter or for someone else?
That level of spending could be the up keep of a household?

I think some people on here are being too harsh on you. If I'd had a husband who gambled I'd be hyper vigilant too - and I think it's great your new partner seems to understand this about you and shared his bank statements. I also think there has been a big generational shift in attitudes to financing adult children. I came from a supportive family, but once I had left university it never occurred to me or them that they would support me financially or that I would go back to live with them. My DH and I worked hard and had good jobs and had children late, and yes, we do still give our children generous - though ad hoc - financial support even though they are mid/late 20s. Both of them lived with us well into their 20s, and one still does at 25. Unlike us, our children didn't have free university education (so in effect are paying an additional tax through paying loans back through their earnings) and property and rental prices have sky rocketed. So yes, I think your partner is being very generous, but perhaps he's not going to give her this much for ever; and as someone else said, so long as you and he have sufficient money to enjoy the things you want to enjoy then I would just be pleased he has a generous nature. It's obvious his daughter is working too - I'd be more concerned if he were funding her not to work.

Well I think it's excessive, but it's his money to do what he wants either!

I am curious about the mother's perspective in all of this. It might also be related to a financial agreement between your partner and his ex-wife when they separated.

She ran off to the other side of the world when her DD was 12, so I don't think I'd value her perspective too highly, really.

And yes, I would judge a father who did the same thing exactly as harshly.

I totally understand your need for transparency if you’ve had an ex with gambling problems, however using the privilege of him sharing that to judge his spending seems a bit off, I get it’s slightly eyebrow raising to you as something you aren’t used to but it’s his money his choice. My husband and I keep back the same amount of money each month to spend as we like so we don’t need to justify it to each other because I like overpriced skincare and he likes ridiculously priced golfing accoutrements that we’d both judge each other as being frivolous 🤣

Wow, so he's probably leading a secret double life with a second family as well, now?!

It does seem like some people are desperately in favour of well-off men being selfish and hoarding all of their money for themselves. Those loving, caring, generous family-focused sorts are so irksome, aren't they?!

This is a problem???

I have skimmed this thread several times since it started. At first I thought the father’s generosity to his DD was OTT but now I don’t think so. His gross income is £160k per annum. He probably gives her around 10%.
I looked at my own gross income and I reckon I spend 6%-7% on my family. Mostly my grand children. So, allowing for the fact that his income is at least 5 times higher than mine 😊 his generosity seems more reasonable.