Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

This is a good point. Why is your rental income going to cover the bills and nothing from his income?

I don't think what he gives daughter is relevant, it sounds like he could easily afford to do both, but he needs to contribute to bills too.

It is a lot on money, but nothing to do with you, I'm afraid.
As you are going to be mortgage free and also have some extra from the renting of your house put an equal amount of money to cover the spending and both of you can keep the remaining as you please.
I am more concern about your rent income paying for all the bills that for him treating his daughter.
In my opinion, you shouldn't have to pay all the bills, both of you generate the spending, that should be divided differently.
Given the choice I wouldn't use a single penny of the rent income at least for a year, houses need maintenance. I would rather to have a bag of cash I can use for it rather than use my salary.
In any case without mortgage and with the salaries you have you are going to be OK.

Mind your own business.

Op, you don’t sound judgemental or awful at all. As you said, you don’t have kids and you were wondering if this is normal. It’s wonderfully contradictory that people are telling you that what he spends his money on is none if your business considering MN is pro-joint finances for married couples, which the two of you intend to be.

In answer to your question, OP, the birthday and Christmas presents are fairly normal. I wouldn’t object to the club membership, as these could be birthdays or Christmas presents too, but I do think £360 a month on fitness classes are bit much for a working adult with no rent to pay. As for the weekends to France to visit the grandmother, he’ll be thinking more about the grandmother here. How many visits would she get if he didn’t pay for them?

So much hypocrisy on MN. Women are chastised for not knowing their partners financial situation, pension arrangements or taking an interest in it and here is a poster who is doing just that and getting chastised for it!!

Absolutely this. You are being very unreasonable.

It makes sense in inheritance tax terms for him to be spending money on his daughter now rather than leaving it to her in a will. If she is earning £45K at her age, she isn't being lazy.

I have to say that, if I were your partner and had been open about my finances in order to allay your fears about gambling, I wouldn't be at all impressed at you picking at how I choose to spend my money on my family. In fact, I would be thinking about red flags right now.

If I earned that amount of money and had spare I'd spend it on my adult dc🤷‍♀️

Makes sense to me, he can afford it and wants to do it, she benefits from the financial gifts before any inheritance tax

Wow I earn similar and wouldn't spend that on my kids when they're 23. Certainly not on the gym stuff. I'd maybe help with a membership if they were not well off but she earns well. I don't think it is that good to get kids reliant on you to pay their bills as adults in that way. However it is his money and so up to him.

If he is mortgage free on that salary he has money to burn. I don't think think this is any of your business though as your not signing up to a mortgage together and won't be having his daughter live with you. He is free to spend his money as he wishes provided he can pat his share of the bills and so are you. I would spend that money on my child if I could too regardless of what they earn

I wouldn't be moving in with someone who wanted to look through my bank statements.

She's 23 - she doesn't need to be 'taught' anything.

If I was him I would be very worried about your controlling, judgmental and competitive view on this. It's none of your business what he spends his money on and you seem to have decided that he is overspending on his own child which sets you up for a competitive and resentful relationship with her which is absolutely not a good basis for a relationship with him or a friendship with her. I think you need to unpick your own issues (sounds like you're jealous) quickly.

So, we have two children, who are planning 5-7years educations (BSc/Grad med school and an BA/MA), so are planning on paying the best part of 15k pa for each of them (overlapping 4years) for accommodation/living expenses. So will be shelling out until they are 24-25yo. Is this allowed? Or is it okay as we’re investing in education, rather than our children’s physical/mental health?

I’m sorry, this new partner earns enough, it’s his only child, and perhaps, like us, he thinks it’s better to ‘give’ this money now while he is alive so he can watch her benefit from it and save her own money… rather than hoard it so that the tax man can take 50% of it as inheritance tax when he dies?

It’s really none of OP’s business so long as he can afford his end of any joint expenses they may be committing to.

That's what I was going to say.

Everyone would have said 'when you discussed this before you moved in together, what did he say?'

Now everyone is saying it's none of her business.

If she's tying herself to him financially, it's her business. I don't see how it's weird or controlling. It seems sensible to me. There's people who,post who are married and then they have a baby and they haven't talked to their husbands about how the finances will work when they are on maternity leave.

I agree with the first poster that whilst it's a lot, it's a drop in the ocean compared to his earnings.

That's fine but the OP and her boyfriend are quite clearly good with their money as they have plenty of it and are both mortgage free and they wanted to.

So she’s living in your flat? You’re deffo not the wicked stepmother that people are making you out to be 😄 but I would say DP should keep paying for hobbies or wean off of his own accord - you don’t want her to blame you for no longer being funded.

I don't think it's excessive. Given his income it seems well within his ability to afford and providing for his child probably brings him a lot of happiness.

For someone who perhaps had to wait till middle aged to be a high earner he can obviously see the value and improvement in how much your life is if you have access to more money younger. Very reasonable to offer his daughter a nicer life than she could afford on her own, despite the fact she's a grown adult.

If he's putting 15-20% into his pension then you should be too. Expenses shouldn't be divided equally with such an uneven level of earning and also with one partner putting a considerable amount into their pension. Both pensions should be getting a lot put into them.

He sounds like a great caring father and you sound jealous. What he spends on his daughter is none of your business. No way would I ever let someone tell me what I could or couldn’t spend on my children.

There’s a difference in knowing what his financial position is and judging him for it - what if he spent £800 - 1000 pcm on an expensive hobby of his own? Would she also say he should be giving that up as she can’t reconcile spending that much on her leisure activities?

Transparency doesn’t mean opening yourself up to judgment, it means being open about your income and demonstrating that you can afford the joint financial commitment. He can afford it.

That is quite a salary difference between the two of you. Will he be spending some of his salary on you as well? Or will you only be spending your £70,000?

sounds like the tip of the iceberg.
not sure why you should come on here apart from to gain agreement for your disapproval.
but it is his business, his money to do what he wants for his daughter.

By your own admission, this won't impact you.

It doesn't impact him, he sounds very financially stable and astute

So this, in the nicest way, is absolutely none of your business.

What would you rather he spent it on, you?

Make sure your will is sorted. If you die before him your flat might end going to him and then his dd, and your niece and nephew might be cut out.