Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Adding to my previous post, it's likely that the dad has been funding it for years since she was a teenager and so the arrangement has somehow drifted into adulthood.

On a very different level, I still pay for my adult DS's monthly phone contract mainly because I CBA to ring the call centre to cancel it.

so I will rent out my property (eventually my niece and nephews will inherit this)

So it’s OK for them to benefit from wealth completely unearned by their own labours. When they’re not even your children,
But not OK for 🧐

I think you are being very narrow minded - the personal training is likely good for her health and well being and paying to visit his parents? Of course he’s happy to do that.

He clearly wants to treat his only daughter and she's hardly gonna be knocking back his generosity. Presumably her rich boyfriend funds a lot of her expensive tastes, so your partner probably thinks he's getting off lightly compared to what he'd be buying her if she had these fancy tastes and was single on her salary alone!
I'm guessing the million pound apartment is her boyfriends?
If I were you I'd certainly raise an eyebrow over these expenses, but I definitely wouldn't want to fall out with him over it.
It's not as if your bf is living like a church mouse or scrounging off you in order to fund his daughter's hobbies. She could well be a bit of a spoilt brat though!

I wouldn't want to live with someone who thought they could look through my bank statements and comment on my expenditure.

Though I do think it's a good way to make sure you're not being conned.

The op is the one taking alll the risks. He isn't the one who will be homeless if it goes tits up.

I really don't understand paying all the bills though, that's insane, especially when he also has another property.

Would it be different if he spent it on her in one lump sum at Christmas, or her birthday, or taking her on holiday?

Apologies, I had forgotten that you'd said he does also spend a lot on her at birthdays and Christmas - although 'excessive' is very subjective, and depends hugely on your income.

As for him spending money so that she can see her elderly grandparents regularly - even then only once every two months - you seem to begrudge the fact that family is a priority for him. How is it a bad thing that a young woman wants to see her grandparents whilst they are still around? Again, once he has died and left everything to his DD, his own parents will be long gone too, and there will be no more opportunities at all for her to spend time with them. Family is hugely important to a lot of people, especially as they get older.

I can't relate to a single thing you've posted here unfortunately.

@Anklie Why will your rental income be paying ALL the bills? That’s the bit that makes no sense to me.

He loves his daughter.

To balance the money he's giving up by providing the accommodation instead of renting his place out?

I don't know the amounts, but I'd hazard a guess that OP would be worse off if they moved into hers, he rented his out and kept the money but paid her bills.

Lots of red flags here. Ring fence your finances before he gets his claws into them. Time to move on, throw this one back into the pond. You deserve so much better than this. Generosity is the least of his problems. What a scumbag.

Honestly the posters on here who are berating the OP for being controlling and nosey need to read her first post properly. The OP wanted to be assured she wasn't getting financially involved with another gambler and presumably her partner was reassured to find she is solvent and can pay her own way.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).

OP I think what he spends on his daughter is his business if you are not expected to subsidise his generosity. I am concerned that your rental income is going to pay all the bills, why are living expenses not being split 50/50. I think it would be in your interests if you set up a joint account for household bills, food etc and you both agreed how much you would put in each month. As the higher earner he should probably pay more but It seems like you would have no problem contributing equally. It would be really unfair for you to pay all the bills.

You will also have your own property to maintain so I don't think you should subsidise the maintenance of his asset which you will not benefit from.

Are your fiancé and husband the same person?

As the higher earner of the two of you, surely he should pay proportionally more of your joint living expenses than you?

He is willing to support his affluent daughter which would be fine if he was also supporting you or at least not just taking financially from you.

I think my question would be, what's the real issue here? It's not the money since he can clearly afford it. Is it the fact that in your opinion he spoils his adult daughter and that makes you question his judgement?

So he earns a lot more than OP, and therefore has more spending money at his disposal?

OP moves in, rents her property and hands over the income from this for what should be joint bills, ie she pays most or all of the household bills, even though she has a lower wage, and therefore less personal money.
Does that sound fair?

I think the earnings are blurring the issue here.
Replace those incomes with more average wages.
Think of OP 's house as her savings, the rent is interest on her savings if you like, and is now accessible and part of her income. Puts her income up a little closer to his.

With her increased income, they could share the household bills fairly.
Then OP would have more of HER money in her pocket. Not as much as him, but closer.

So, current agreement they move in together. OP pays the bills from HER MONEY. (hopefully setting some aside for repairs and tax) Despite having less income than her partner.
Partner keeps all his money as personal money. OP keeps her remaining and much lower amount of money as personal money. Is that fair?

This looks more like a lodger agreement than a loving partnership.

Given a more equal amount of spending money, and split bills, I'd think his expenditure was his business. As his partner, if I were paying all the bills and as a consequence had much less personal money than him, I'd think I was subsidising him.

You earn 30k, he earns 70k. You pay all the bills. He can spend his money on whatever he likes. Really?

If they're goingfor that approach then he needs to calculate the rental value of his flat and charge her 50% of that.

Which is also what I'd advise her if he kept hsi place as a rental, moved into her house but only wanted to pay 50% of the bills while trying to blag free accommodation.

What if his DD is a recovered anorexic/ED/self harmer or had childhood scoliosis/surgeries and he funds this because it has helped with or maintains her recovery? No mention of her mother/his ex here but perhaps what OP considers ‘hobbies’ are a natural extension of his caring for the physical and mental wellbeing of his child?

Not if he's happy paying for it. My parents paid for similar things in my early 20s.

But they aren't married or pooling their money.

If they were, I'd agree with you - but if they have decided to keep their finances separate, then they don't get a say in each other's choices as to how they spend their money.

My in-laws did this over 50 years of marriage: very happily married and a 'team', but they kept their finances separate. it worked very well for them - it wouldn't have been how we personally would have done things, but we are not them; and it's not up to anybody to try to live somebody else's life for them.

On the face of it, this is an extortionate sum to be spending on his adult daughter's lifestyle.

However.

Your fiancé is clearly a very wealthy man and can afford to do this. His daughter is never going to live within her means because the lifestyle she is used to simply isn't affordable on a salary of £45k. But she doesn't need to because she owns a flat outright, has a high earning partner and a rich father who wants to spoil her. So you privately thinking this is excessive is not going to make the slightest bit of difference.

It also doesn't affect you in any way. You aren't buying a house with your fiancé. You don't have children with him. You aren't planning to have any children with him. You don't have any children of your own. You don't expect to have any entitlement to his property because he has willed it to his daughter and you own your own property. You are just going to live in his house with him for the duration of your marriage.

If he is as wealthy as he sounds, there will probably be inheritance tax to pay when he eventually dies, so funding his daughter's lifestyle on a monthly basis may well be quite tax efficient.

As long as it doesn't affect you, which it doesn't appear to, I would keep quiet.

"On a very different level, I still pay for my adult DS's monthly phone contract mainly because I CBA to ring the call centre to cancel it."

Hah! Same. At £10 a month though, it's not quite at 'break the bank' levels!

It’s only excessive if he can’t afford it. If he can, then he should do as he sees fit - unless you intend to take on a parenting role for his adult child and give her advice on life skills, which I doubt would make you popular with either of them. Tbh, I intensely dislike your attitude towards how he spends the money he earns, and I’m not even your future stepdaughter. What an odd thing for you to focus on when you claimed to be concerned about gambling. You talk about his dd more like a financial competitor than a future step daughter, so I would stay well clear of commenting if I were you, given your apparent absence of positive feelings towards her.

But they aren't married or pooling their money.

Sure, but they’re engaged and preparing to move in together so his spending will very much affect OP. Also they made a joint decision to go through their financial affairs.