Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Who is going to pay for repairs to your flat? What happens financially if you have a problem with the tenant not paying their rent? Who is going to pay for repairs to his place? I don't think you should pay for anything like that. If he needs a new roof he should fund that.

The issue I have is that you are contributing financially to the marriage in that you are paying the bills. He isn't making any financial contributions to the marriage and is benefiting from you living with him.

MN tends to be an advocate for shared finance and bank accounts, especially if marrying, so yes, I do think you have a right to know how you will finance a joint life together. That bring said, I'd feel comfortable him financing his daughter like this, based on the circumstances.

What I wouldn't feel comfortable about is only your income paying the bills. How did you even work that out as fair?

People probably responded negatively simply because you're dating a higher earner.

After you're married. And also he's going to be sitting pretty isn't he? Got his own house but once you move in, he won't have to pay his own living expenses anymore because the income from your flat is going to be requisitioned to pay for his living expenses.

Sounds like a nice man.

Understanding each other's finances before moving in is the responsible and adult thing to do. Some of the responses here stating that it's 'controlling' are just embarrassing.

£1,000/month is unusual but he can afford it without compromising his (or your shared) lifestyle. Plenty of adults get handouts from their parents.

If their relationship is transactional in other ways ('Give me £500 or I'm not talking to you' with threats and emotional blackmail) it probably wouldn't be a situation I'd want to get involved in.

Otherwise, I'd just make it clear to your partner what you expect re: his contributions, and then you can both spend the rest of your incomes as you please.

If anyone other than my wife (mother of my children) told me to spend less money on my children, I doubt I'd want to share my life with them.

Going through finances together and agreeing how things work financially is fine, not going ahead with any living arrangements if you don't think the split would be fair or if there is enough left to cover things is fine. If he then decides for himself that he wants to cut down some of the spending on his daughter in order to make things work with you, it's his decision.

Thinking he's spending too much on things his daughter may not really need is also fine. Saying it out loud to him with the expectation of him changing it is probably not going to go down well.

When he dies I will either move back into my property or if I'm older look at a care home.

WHEN he dies? Are you much younger than he is? And if so, are you sure you aren't jealous of his spending on his DD at all?

I agree that, if he has such a healthy amount coming in and no mortgage, what's the issue with him supporting his DD now, when she's only going to inherit it all eventually anyway? I never understand the MN mindset that, once your children turn 18, you shouldn't give them another penny.

Here's a well-off man who is gladly spending a small amount of his excess income on his DD's happiness and wellbeing - and he's being criticised for it. Would it be better if he was one of these well-off dads who kept it all for himself and ignored his child's financial needs? I mean, I know they aren't her 'needs' as such, and she's an adult, but she's still his child - he's well-off and can easily afford it; so it's all relative. What if she were 18 and at university? Would we still be saying that he should leave her struggling and counting the pennies whilst he has plenty, as she's an adult?

I wouldn't worry about until he decides to retire, she needs to know he'll need to reassess his outgoings then.

I'm more concerned that despite his income you are planning to use the rental money you get for joint expenses. If you are both mortgage free and his house is going to his daughter when he does I'd be looking at splitting household bills 50/50 and leaving and house updates etc for him to fund.

Hang on a minute - it’s your flat she’s living in? Rent free?

OP, unlike most others here, I'm with you. I can understand why you wanted both parties to have a clear understanding of each others financial position and why you are surprised at the payments for gym memberships etc. when the daughter is making £45k pa.

However, I also agree that it is DP's choice how he spends his money on his only dc, especially when it will have no financial impact on his life with you. I say this as someone who pays £5k pa on gym membership/hobby etc for an adult dc and expects that any future dp will, like you, have raised eyebrows about it. I think it's a natural reaction.

I personally think a 23 year old should be standing on her own two feet. He obviously wants to do this so not much you can do about it. How the other half live !

He probably wants to make sure she remains fit and slim so her boyfriend will marry her and take over financial responsibility for her 😂😉

Why say shit like this?

Op positioning herself as queen bee in this man's life - cut his daughter's funding and send a message.

If it doesn’t impact you personally why do you care?

Also, you're planning to marry but he's not planning to leave you anything in his will? This is a massive red flag despite his high income. I understand he wants to leave his daughter comfortable, I would too, but as his wife he should make provision for you too.

Sounds like you are moving in with a guy who earns well and you earn a great wage too. You both have a property each which are mortgage free so that’s fantastic and both seem in great financial positions.

From your OP you are moving in with him and renting out your property. I’m not sure why all the rental income needs to go on all the bills as he is not paying any mortgage on his property. I’d work out how much you make from your rental income and cover half his bills and if there is surplus I would put some in savings/pension and some to pay for additional groceries and treats for the both of you.

If that was my daughter and she was living in an inherited mortgage free home inherited by her aunt earning £45k I would probably let her pay for her own PT ( I might help with gym membership etc) but I’d want her to learn about money. However she is not my daughter and he is a wealthy father, so if that is what he wants to spend his money on, that’s on him and you can’t stop that. It’s better than gambling his money away which was one of your concerns. Even after spending that on his daughter I suspect he has a lot left over.

I can also see that you were being financially savvy to check finances but I do think maybe going through each line of his bank statements was a bit much in my book!

OP I don't think you should be getting involved with what he's spending on his daughter.

Your husband's?

You should be paying half the bills when you move in with him. Not all the bills. You'll be paying taxes on what you earn from the rental too.
What he spends on his daughter is his business.

*There’s a difference in knowing what his financial position is and judging him for it - what if he spent £800 - 1000 pcm on an expensive hobby of his own? Would she also say he should be giving that up as she can’t reconcile spending that much on her leisure activities?

Transparency doesn’t mean opening yourself up to judgment, it means being open about your income and demonstrating that you can afford the joint financial commitment. He can afford it.*

The reason she is posting is for opinions as she does not have children of her own and does not know if this is something that other parents would do.

If he spent £1000 a month on classic cars or FIFA presumably she would already know because he would have been spending a lot of his time over the last two years restoring cars or playing FIFA..

It does sound excessive but his money his choice.

I would suggest though that you pay half the bills each rather than you paying them all from your rental income as you will have significant costs from renting, and you need a slush fund to renovate when you move back in/sell

Lucky daughter! It’s a good sign that he is paying for positive things (health, fitness, family) rather than just throwing it at her. And at 23 most (?) young people are still living with their parents nowadays and being supported in different ways.

The money itself isn’t an issue - he can afford it, you both know where you stand re future finances, etc.

I’d be more concerned about their relationship and whether that’s healthy. It sounds unusual to me to finance an adult child so much, but probably normal in rich circles. But is she grateful? Will she always want more? Will she see you as a threat (financially or otherwise)? Does he feel super guilty about her childhood (divorce?)? Even adult children can be difficult in a step-relationship, and I’d have thought there’s a higher risk here seeing as she is less independent than other adults living outside the family home.

Why will you be covering all hills for his property? Surely you should be splitting all bills? Otherwise it is like you are just renting to live in his home. That’s where your problem should be, not with his expenditures on his daughter.

Totally agree with this - if OP is keeping her own property and renting it out, that money should be ring fenced for her. Unless they are moving into a property financed by his money, of course. If they want to buy a property together, then it sounds as though a separate joint account into which they pay an equal amount is the fairest way to go forward - but they need to consider how they own that property (joint tenancy/tenancy in common etc) and make their wills with an independent advisor before moving in. She needs to know what happens to their joint home should one of them predecease the other.

Personally, I wouldn’t do that for my children once they are in the workplace. I do think a lot of pride and confidence comes from making your own way in the world and managing your own finances.

OTOH, I don’t think how he chooses to spend his money is your business unless it impacts your life. Relationships are not about controlling someone but adding to their life.

Not if the OP pays all the bills, as the lower earner, while he pays for his daughters clubs. I understand why she is questioning this. She won't even be provisioned for he if dies, yet the money she pays into the home will end up with the daughter.

It isn't an equal relationship.