Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Must admit, I’d be a little shocked at this expenditure. That’s alot of money. However if he can afford it, then that’s fine.

However, but concerned that you’re paying all the bills. Shouldn’t that be split? I get that you’re getting rent, and he’s not, but couldn’t that be factored in the division of bills.

I wouldn’t let a new partner dictate whether I can spend my own money on my DC whether it’s £100 or £1000. I value my financial independance and my DC over a new (controlling) DP with baggage/trust issues from a previous relationship.

The entire property plus anything else he has will go to his daughter.

All he has is going to her anyway. Is he making himself short currently? Is he having to cut back on things he wants in order to fund her lifestyle? If not then it's no big deal as it will all go to her anyway.

Interesting that you are both leaving all to other people, not each other. Sounds sensible in your situation. However I just wondered how that works if you get married. Do the houses count as marital assets?

But it's not just knowing - it's criticising a well-paid man for spending a small proportion of his money on something positive. It isn't just mums who love and want to help their children to get on in life.

I agree with PP that, if the gym and fitness classes were for himself, I doubt that a word would be said at all. Some parents - even when their children have grown up - do genuinely enjoy showing their love to them and treating them when they can well afford it. Would it be different if he spent it on her in one lump sum at Christmas, or her birthday, or taking her on holiday?

You can have an opinion but you should be mindful that whatever he chooses to spend on his dd is up to him. He earns well and regardless of pension will have enough for your joint lifestyle plus the fact you are renting your property out so you keep that money? Just be mindful as this conversation may not go down well OP!

I don't see the issue here. It sounds as though he has some spare cash each month, is well set up for the future and so has the choice between spending it on his DD, spending it on something else or investing it. Of these, there is nothing wrong with the first option.
If he is prepared to spend this much on discretionary items, do be prepared for him to buy her a car, give her a deposit towards her home, pay school fees, pay for her, her partner and, in due course, their DC to come on holiday with you and other things like that. When I was in my 20s, one of my friends had her cleaner paid for by her parents and (40yrs later) has just had a new bathroom paid for by them.

OP, when you say you will pay all the bills on the house, does that include things like maintenance and big repair bills? That would certainly be unwise.

I suspect if they reversed this - he moved into her property rent free, kept his rental income for himself and paid her bills instead, you'd take issue with that too. And she's not making any provisions for him in the event of her death either.

I appreciate you don’t have any kids OP, honestly if you did you would understand and wouldn’t even raise the question, if you start telling your partner, what he can and cannot spend on his adult child, I can’t see the relationship lasting. Keep your finances separate. These are normal things parents do for their kids, even when they are adults. DH pays for our adult son’s golf membership and sometimes buys him equipment.

If he was spending £1k a month on himself instead would you still complain? I also wonder why your rental income is covering ALL the bills? That doesn't seem right?

If your fiancé has two properties (let’s say 1.5m assets) and no debt, he can afford to treat his daughter so honestly she has done a sensible thing finding a partner who will match her future lifestyle expectations.

There is no point your fiancé accumulating piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. It will mostly go in inheritance tax. May as well spend it now, put that money back in our ailing economy.

Id say “very nice dear” and move on.

Why do you believe she should pay all the bills as a lower earner and not split them?

What are you expecting to happen, that he will stop supporting her? No good can come from you having anything other than a passing thought about this.

It is absolutely none of your business, op.

He's her dad. It's his money. Snout out.

Because there's an implied accommodation cost that he's covering. If it's anywhere near London, that'll be more the the bills.

If they were in her property while he kept a rental, he should pay all the bills.

If, chasing fairness, they were to rent both owned properties out, and move into a new, rented property together, I also suspect 50% of rent and bills in that scenario would cost OP more than currently.

It’s crazy excessive and unusual - it’s not like he’s a millionaire - but I think you should keep your thoughts to yourself otherwise you may drive him away.

It’s his daughter. He has money and can choose where he spends it. You are treading on very very thin ice. If I was his daughter and found out that my dads girlfriend was going through his bank spending and querying it on mumsnet I’d be having a quiet word with him.

OP I'm sort of with you. Technically it's not your business, clearly there's plenty of money to go around, etc etc. But the vibe is a bit 'spoilt daddy's girl' which would grind my gears a bit. Its the values underpinning the spending that would make me feel uncomfortable, even if that were irrational! I think it actually would make a difference if he were spending the money on her in post graduate education or towards purchasing a property or something (if she didn't have one). But this is clearly an extremely privileged girl having what by anoyones standards is a huge amount of money spent on her for something very superficial. When you're not from that world - which you perhaps aren't OP (neither am I) it can stir up all sorts of feelings of resentment or a sense of unease. You are not a bad person to feel that way. @

Whilst the daughter seems over indulged to me, that's his choice.
Having seen how care home fees rinse hard working people's savings, I'm very into giving adult children money now, when they need it for eg house deposits etc.

I think it would be your business if his spending on his daughter was going to impact your ability to pay your joint bills but as that isn't the case, I think you just have to accept it.

I disagree with the replies on here.

They are moving in together. The OP has a right to know about his finances and to question the expenditure as does he hers. Them's the breaks when you're an actual couple in a live in relationship.

I would ask him about it. If he feels he can easily afford it and she's a good daughter and they're close then perhaps fair enough but if he's doing it out of fear because Miss Spoilt Brat kicks off if Daddy doesn't fork out, then I'd be rethinking my options.

I'd also be worried about how this expenditure affects my own long term security. If a woman wants separate finances and to support herself, (which the OP does) she can live alone and invite a man over for sex and pizza when she feels the need. If she's living with a man and in a partnership, she wants the financial advantages of pooling 2 incomes. And why shouldn't she? PLENTY of women on here are SAHMs and fully supported financially by DHs and DPs and no one says a word and yet people are accusing the OP of being a gold digger.

Really, if the DD is earning £45k, living rent free in a swanky central London flat and has a millionaire partner, then Daddy shouldn't really have to finance her gym.

And you can all hurl all your jealousy accusations at me all you want, I totally admit it

I may be misconstruing the situation, but it sounds quite one-sided here.

I wonder who initiated the going through bank statements? It seems an odd thing to do - as opposed to just talking about it, without the forensic searching for evidence. Yes, if you were really struggling for money and needing to check everywhere that belts could be tightened; but that isn't the case here at all.

Why is it only him who needs to prove that he isn't a gambler? How does he know that she isn't a gambler, or a fashion addict, or spends what he sees as a lot on getting her hair done?

Incidentally, I don't like gambling myself, but if he did enjoy betting a small proportion of his large income as a hobby, would he not be allowed to?

I agree that treating him this way does sound controlling. As there's such a considerable age gap between you - bearing in mind that you're expecting that he will die before you - maybe you and your priorities just aren't compatible at your stages in life.

I know 58 isn't especially old, but if I were that comfortably off at that age and already had all that I wanted in life and more, I too would be looking to passing it down and setting my children up. I've seen a lot of threads where posters - adults with their own children - have been bemoaning that they have to be extremely careful with their money, whilst their own parents have plenty and keep it all to themselves instead of helping them out when they could really do with it.

Would it be better if he kept it all back until after he's gone and then let a huge chunk of it go to the taxman instead of his DD?

OP well done for going through finances together. You need full transparency if you’re getting married. You know, when some rich Tory MP pretends to know nothing of his wife’s investments in Russia or elsewhere, I don’t believe that.

Re what families with children spend money on: on children. A lot of it when young (nursery, school fees, tuition, sports, Uni), as and when also when older. Personally, I think 1K a month for Pilates and PT and whatnot is excessive, but it’s not my money, and I don’t have that amount of money to worry about. You’ve known this daughter for 2 years now. How is your relationship otherwise?

As PP mentioned, sounds like he’ll be a kept man, by you. I’d look into that.

Thats very condescending and not even true. I do have children and there's absolutely no way I would be funding luxuries and lifestyle choices into adulthood. If you live in a world where dropping 12k on a child's hobbies/desire to havea great body, that's not really not most peoples world and most definitely not 'normal'.

No doubt op will take over the ‘wife’ duties, cleaning, cooking etc, so he’s got it made. No bills to pay, someone cooking, cleaning etc. A cocklodger in his own home!

(although he is working)

Yes, this! I would run for the hills in his place. In what way do you think any of this is your business?