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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

542 replies

MrsPuddle · 29/05/2024 12:53

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

OP posts:
wednesday32 · 29/05/2024 12:55

What was the discussion when he was planning to retire early? ie what does your income/his pension bring to the table, and is that enough. Does he see you in his retirement plans?

BranchGold · 29/05/2024 12:56

I think it’s a shame you didn’t realise you were on very different pages as far as future planning beforehand.

what are your financial arrangements? Could you go part time?

WindsurfingDreams · 29/05/2024 12:57

What did you expect? Did you save up lots of pension anticipating an early retirement?

menopausalmare · 29/05/2024 12:57

But he's done his time.

RatATatTatty · 29/05/2024 12:57

If you can afford it, and want to retire then do it.

WindsurfingDreams · 29/05/2024 12:58

I don't think I would expect my husband to work and extra 10 years because he is older than me.

WeeOrcadian · 29/05/2024 12:59

Can you afford to retire or go PT now?

Would you be doing things together if you did retire now or is it FOMO (said kindly)?

BoobyDazzler · 29/05/2024 13:00

You could reduce your hours?

I’d hate this too, it would make me very resentful, but I can see his side.

CharlotteRumpling · 29/05/2024 13:00

My DH is 4 years older than me and will be retiring by 58. I will be working part time by then.
Could you go part time?

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 29/05/2024 13:01

You’re only 55 :/ retiring at 60 is still pretty good going. I can’t imagine saying “I can’t do this for another 5 years” at that relatively young age (health notwithstanding).

Did you not twig if not when you got married but years ago anyway that this might be an issue with a partner 10 years older?

YABU. Even if money would be fine I wouldn’t be happy to have to tighten my belt because you were too lazy to work past 55.

is part time an option?

Original poster
MrsPuddle · 29/05/2024 13:01

menopausalmare · 29/05/2024 12:57

But he's done his time.

yes, certainly, I dont expect him to work, but somehow his pension (which is much bigger than mine) seems to be ..maybe, feels more his than mine? We have never had money disagreements before but I always worked.

OP posts:
dastardlyglobetrotter · 29/05/2024 13:01

He’s done his time though?

Can you reduce to part time hours?

ShameOnYouAndYourLargeTrotters · 29/05/2024 13:01

Bizarre that you thought it okay for him to work until 60 but not yourself.
When you married him did you not discuss retirement plans?
DH had to medically retire several years ago, although has sadly now died. I still have 14 years left to go. Yes it was annoying to get up at 6am whilst he was still fast asleep, but it is what is is.

Maybe he doesn’t want to have to scrimp and get by in retirement, and why should he when he’s worked until 60, just because you don’t want to?

beergiggles · 29/05/2024 13:01

I wouldn't feel too happy if my partner was off on a jolly all the time while I was working.
I would stop doing any housework stop doing anything that facilitates him.
I would focus on my earning potential and focus on doing things that help me to recover from the stress of being stuck working while he's away whooping it up!

Stripeysocks1981 · 29/05/2024 13:01

Going part time may be an option. Agree with a PP, this is something that should have been considered years ago. To play devils advocate, why should he tighten his belt and scrimp his way through retirement when he’s worked hard to enjoy it?

akkakk · 29/05/2024 13:02

I can see why you feel like that - however at a logical level, he has already worked those extra years that you don't want to work - so there could be a question as to why should you retire earlier than him?!

However the underlying question should be more:

  • as a couple how do your finances work so that you can both retire at the earliest point affordably...
If it is that pensions kick in at 60 - well it is a bit unfair to him to say that he must carry on working just because you do - it would mean that you think that he should work longer so that you work less...

If you can afford to retire now, but only with compromise - is it fair to ask him to compromise so that you work fewer years than him? What is your goal together in retirement - or will you take individual paths hence he sees no reason not to retire now...

It does sound as though there is a bit of FOMO because he is having fun and you are working (rather like a child having to stay in class and work while their classmates go off and play in the playground) - however, he has put in the years, you are always going to have been 5 years behind him...

dastardlyglobetrotter · 29/05/2024 13:02

MrsPuddle · 29/05/2024 13:01

yes, certainly, I dont expect him to work, but somehow his pension (which is much bigger than mine) seems to be ..maybe, feels more his than mine? We have never had money disagreements before but I always worked.

Show quote history

Errrrrr…what? It is his pension!! In all likelihood he’s worked bloody hard for it.

MonsteraMama · 29/05/2024 13:02

I don't think God and all his angels could make me keep working if I could afford to retire tbh so I can kind of understand him doing so as soon as he can, but I get why you'd feel resentment too. Can you afford to retire too, or go part time?

Stripeysocks1981 · 29/05/2024 13:02

beergiggles · 29/05/2024 13:01

I wouldn't feel too happy if my partner was off on a jolly all the time while I was working.
I would stop doing any housework stop doing anything that facilitates him.
I would focus on my earning potential and focus on doing things that help me to recover from the stress of being stuck working while he's away whooping it up!

Good point about housework though. I’d expect him to be picking up majority of the slack at home if you’re still working in terms of cooking cleaning etc.

Technonan · 29/05/2024 13:03

I had a similar situation with an older partner, but I didn't think it was necessary for me to retire as well. He looked after me very well - cooked, cleaned, walked the dog on the days when I was working.

In these uncertain times, I'd be wary of losing an income. It's only 5 years, and if he looks after himself, he should still be fit and healthy at 70.

A mismatch in health and aging is what you sign up for when you marry someone older than you, but for me it was worth it. My DH was 20 years older than me (I was 30 when I met him, so it wasn't one of those creepy teenager things). He died at 89, within weeks of his 90th birthday, and for most of that time, he was fit and well.

Original poster
MrsPuddle · 29/05/2024 13:03

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 29/05/2024 13:01

You’re only 55 :/ retiring at 60 is still pretty good going. I can’t imagine saying “I can’t do this for another 5 years” at that relatively young age (health notwithstanding).

Did you not twig if not when you got married but years ago anyway that this might be an issue with a partner 10 years older?

YABU. Even if money would be fine I wouldn’t be happy to have to tighten my belt because you were too lazy to work past 55.

is part time an option?

its not about being lazy, its about having a partner on a very different lifestyle to your own. Not something I was thinking of in my twenties when I met him!

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 29/05/2024 13:04

I always think this is one of the worst aspects of age gap relationships. It's all very well saying that he has done his time etc, but the reality is that the decades after retirement can make a huge difference health wise. You could easily find that you spend a long time working whilst he is enjoying the golden years of retirement and then spend your retirement caring for him or as a widow. Sorry, I don't mean that in a harsh way but more to agree with you that these years are important ones if you want to have a reasonable amount of time together enjoy your shared retirement.

beergiggles · 29/05/2024 13:04

I think you need to be careful op, by the time you get to retirement age he will start having health issues and he will expect you to be his carer. You'll go straight from working for money to looking after him.
In other words there will be no freedom for you.

lemonmeringueno3 · 29/05/2024 13:05

I'm afraid I agree with your dh. He has worked for 40 years to retire at 60. Why shouldn't you do the same? Even 60 is 'early retirement' now. Your argument about wanting to do nice things together before he is 70 and potentially too old should have been discussed and considered years ago.

LaPalmaLlama · 29/05/2024 13:05

I guess the flip side is that when you were younger you potentially benefited from getting with someone who was more financially established so it’s swings and roundabouts- possibly not though.