for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

It seems a shame that you're both not pulling together as partners on this but are both resenting the other.

Me and DH are similar age gap and he wants me to retire when he does but I've said I'll go part time so we have more time together while we're young enough to enjoy it but don't have to worry too much about money.

I agree with you. My DH is 12 years older than me, has already worked past state retirement age, is working one more year and then we will both retire. I will be 57 and he will be 69. "His" pension pot is our pension pot as we are married and are a team. YANBU OP, but I don't think you'll get the responses you would like on here.

I’m in a age gap relationship and my partner doesn’t intend to retire in the true stop all work sense until he’s quite a bit past state retirement, but that’s his personality and I think keeps him young/motivated. He intends to do some part time work until 70/72, health permitting. I’d then be early 50s and he envisions us ‘retiring’ then. It’s a few years away so I’ll see how health/work feel then, I think I’d go part time.

Can he not share finances? Or have you always gone things separately?

Must admit, I’d be cheesed if I had to work and he was living it up at home.

My DH and I were in a similar position - he is 7 years older and took his pension at 65 when it was due, I was still working full time. I was lucky enough to have a local government pension I could take from 55 so at 57 when he retired I left my full time job, accessed my private pension and got a part time 2 day job in a local shop. Best thing ever - we still had a good income and loads of quality time together. Covid hit when I was 60 and I just left work completely and it is great now. We discussed and agreed this together as the best life for both of us. Hope you can find a good compromise together.

I can see that it doesn’t seem ‘fair’ to him for you to retire now but I would see it as part of the bargain of an age-gap relationship. You get to retire earlier, he gets someone to look after him when his health starts declining. He can’t have all the fun AND the money AND the free care while you get nothing.

YABU.

Of course you should carry on working. You don’t get to retire just because he’s older than you and has already put the years in.

It’s also his pension.

We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement.

That's the key bit for me that makes you unreasonable. Essentially you want to enforce a drop in living standards on you both to facilitate you stopping work at 55.

I’d be concerned that when you were ready to retire he might start to suffer from health complaints and then you may be on carers duty.

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I've been with my dh since he was in his 50s and me in my 40s and from early doors we've both planned to retire at the same time. Him at 67 and me at 58. For reasons you've mentioned above. Me retiring 9 years after him at 60 would mean he'd be 69 and potentially not able to travel and do the things I/we want to do in my retirement. We're a partnership which includes finances, we've both worked and paid into pensions, it sounds like your dh sees his pension as 'his' and yours is 'yours'.

If you can financially retire now, then I'd do it. If it's simply a case of him being jealous and not wanting you to benefit when he couldn't is him being extremely selfish and childish, and I'd think carefully if I wanted to be with someone who would happily take himself on holidays and fun stuff whilst insisting on you working

We are in a similar position. DH is 6 years younger than me and I have just retired (civil service pension) at 60. I do most of the housework, cooking, gardening and 3/4 of the dog walking.

He and I both agreed we'd slow down from 55, reducing hours, then retire at 60.

He is a bit resentful, I can see that, but I have already worked 44 years... he's done 34 (plus 3 uni). I told him I'll be glad when he retires as the workload at home will be shared - think he thought I'd be carrying on as chief cook, head gardener, and housekeeper!

so how are the finances* *figured out ?

does he put x amount into a pot / joint account for household expenses / bills
and keeps the rest for himself

do you put x amount into a pot / joint account for household expenses / bills and keep the rest for yourself

if you weren't working, how would you contribute to the household expenses / bills ?

or are you expecting him to keep you for x years until your private pension starts ?

can he afford to pay all the household expenses / bills himself ?

I guess he also has his state pension.

of course state pension ages have changed, so you won't be getting yours at 65.

what age can you take your private pension from ?

p.s. he has already worked his extra 10 years, as he is older then you...

I’m in a similar position with DH 6 years older than me (63 to my 57) . I work part time so I think that helps . I do rile him in jest about his care free days while I am tied to the desk and being married to a pensioner but in all honesty I am happy to carry on working until 60 and don’t resent his freedom.
I think my only concern is wether DHs health deteriorates before we have time to enjoy all the big travel plans we have for when I retire at 60. ( a previous posters comment on going from worker to carer slightly worried me)

I agree with this.

It's a shame you hadn't planned for this years ago. He could have worked an extra few years and put the money into your pension pot so that you could both retire at similar ages with a reasonable standard of living.

To retire at 55 is unusual and pretty privileged. To expect him to fund your choice to retire so young by curtailing his lifestyle is something that should have been discussed and agreed decades ago.

He has come to the end of his working life, i cant see a problem. Ive always gone for older men and this is part parcel of it. He will still be paying in at home the same? No problem really. You work for your NI cont too which goes towards your pension...unless you're loaded and can pay those off now and retire? Leave hom to retire, he's earned it...your time will come.

What is your pension like - could it support you? If so if DH needs a carer by the time you retire then you could just tell him to pay for one using his pension while you enjoy yourself.

Yeah. 55 is so so young! Potentially 30 years ahead of you not working. More even.

Reducing hours seems like the best of both worlds here so you get more time to enjoy together, but you’re still earning and not relying entirely on pension.

Mmm I think finances is the issue here. I'm sure the ops partner was looking forward to a certain lifestyle when he retired. If that's not possible because he has to support the op who wants to finish working early I don't blame him for being pissed off.

It is, and I understand your upset.

DH can retire at 51, after 30 years in the Police. I will be approaching 52 but with a tiny pension as I took time out to raise our children. There has been no question with DH that his pension is for us, and when he retires, I retire and we live off his pension together.

That said, his pension will afford us a decent quality of life should his pension have been too small to do that, we both would have continued working.

So you are expecting his pension income to fund your early retirement? YABU.

True but he will 100% expect her to be around to look after him if his health suffers in 10 years, not off having fun because her time has come.

I can see both sides of the argument, but I would worry about the quality of the relationship......... doesn't OP's husband want to be spending time with her?
When she is 60 he'll be 70: if he makes it that far, plenty of men don't, and as has already been said, he might by then be in such poor health that dream holidays away together are no longer possible.
I have a colleague whose husband is 8 years older than he and retired and they spend every spare minute doing stuff together........ if she could retire she would, but the system doesn't allow her to.
My husband is a few years older than I am and we have made major lifestyle changes : now he is working part time (which I did while DC were young) and doing all the household stuff (as well as managing with his aging parents) while I am putting in more hours and out of the house more in order to qualify for a decent pension. The plan is to retire at the same time, despite the age gap.
Meanwhile we are making the most of being in good health to take holidays and mini breaks together as much as we can.

OP, you need to do stuff you enjoy now : either book something special for you to do with your OH, or if he refuses, then tell him you'll do it on your own, or organise something with your friends.......... Life is too short to be slogging through a job you don't enjoy everyday with no funtime.

So bizarre what couples don't talk about.

"We've been together 8 years and he's just said he doesn't believe in marriage."

"We've just had a baby, and partner says they've always wanted the name Bartholomew and they've put that on the birth certificate."

"I want my 3 month old to be christened in the Catholic faith but my partner wants them to be agnostic."

"We have an enormous age gap and he has retired and I want to retire at the same time. We've had 20 years to talk about it but never have."

Maybe these people are having such good daily sex they're always too exhausted to talk about anything.