for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

My DH is 8 years older than me. He wouldnt see me working (unless I loved it which is possible) while he gets all the freedom to do as he pleases. We are married, and retirement wouldnt be fun for either of us with the other one tied up working all the time. OP I assume he has the house clean and dinner on the table now that you are the person working and he has all this time to himself?

It doesn’t sound like you are a team OP. But I bet that would change as you approach retirement and his health deteriorates.

I can’t imagine not either taking the bulk of domestic duties on or encouraging an early retirement/part time working.

@beergiggles · Today 13:04

I think you need to be careful op, by the time you get to retirement age he will start having health issues and he will expect you to be his carer. You'll go straight from working for money to looking after him.
In other words there will be no freedom for you.

@BettyBardMacDonald

Yep, this is what I would fear...

Yeah this. And I said something similar earlier in the thread. IMO this is why SOME men go for younger women. So they have a built in, oven-ready carer when their health hits the skids. Normally around early to mid 70s for many men. So within several years of the OP retiring, she will very likely be her husband's carer.

I think this is the answer, he is at home so make sure he is doing the home stuff so when you get home OP you come in to a tidy house, almost of the washing done, shopping done and more often or not a meal ready to go. That way you won’t resent his retirement free time and your work life balance will be improved.

sorry for the bold, it did it without me noticing!

But he’s presumably worked (longer than you’re willing) to be entitled to that?

im sorry but I don’t think it’s right that you feel entitled to quit your job and piggy back on his pension despite not having put the years in that he has. The trope that “oh it’s not a partnership if you’re not dipping into each other’s bank accounts” is nonsense. Put the years in that he has and stop being jealous.

Also, this should have been worked out year ago as well given there’s an age difference.

I am in my fifties. When I retire I should
have a very healthy NHS pension. I will
be sharing that with my husband (who will have a lot less) because I want to enjoy life with him. Why wouldn’t I?

I think this is a fair point.

Where’s the MN family pot gone? 😂🤣😂

Do you have your own private pension, or are you expecting him to support you if you retire early?

Yes, forewarned is forearmed op!
Stop doing anything that facilitates your husband's lifestyle and start planning some girls holidays (or whatever it is you most enjoy) for when you are free.
Don't be staying at home keeping the old man company, get out there and live it up! 🍾💃🏻🎶

55 is very early retirement though, and it does seem you have to forego a lot of your lifestyle if you’d need to tighten your belts, effectively for ever more. I’m afraid I’d also expect you to do your time,and not for ego so much of your pension to go so early.

So what was it like when you were younger ? Shared childcare and chores? I'm willing to bet you did 90%+ of it.

Can people not see that this is how men build their fabulous pension pots and women get left behind? If the DH won't step up stuff still has to get done for the DC and it falls to women who then compromise their careers.

I agree with others - he should be doing 90%+ of household stuff also be careful OP, 10 years is a lot as you get older, don't end up using your retirement to care for him. You might want to raise this to set expectations.

Maybe they discussed it when she was in her forties, but she feels differently about it now. People can change their minds based on their experiences. Maybe her feelings about working with a retired dh are different than what she imagined or anticipated.

OP is NBU to feel the way she does. She and her husband need to find a way to have a respectful conversation about their plans.

Well I guess you have another 5 years to build your pension up to contribute to the family pot.

Bit selfish OP, your husband has worked his time and earned his time off. You need to do the same

Well yeah exactly. Is the OP's husband meant to have shared his pension with her so she can retire at 50? (when he retired at 60?) I'm all for pooling finances but that's taking the piss.

OP and her husband are clearly at different points in their lives and she clearly resents him. I don't think this marriage has a great future to be honest. Too much difference of opinions and deep resentment IMO.

You do understand her health could also be an issue, age is not something to bet your house on. He could easily out live her or be her carer.

YABU tbh. He worked to sixty, which is early retirement these days, and it is not unreasonable you should do the same rather than quitting young and eating into your joint retirement funds rather than building them up.

Unreasonable to retire at 55. HOWEVER what he's actually doing is important. Is he taking on the household responsibilities? Is he doing the shopping, the cooking, the admin, so that BOTH your lives are a bit more comfortable? Surely if you're still working, you can afford nice holidays. Are you doing these together?

If not, he is being selfish and there is your issue. I'd reconsider my marriage based on that as by the time you retire, he will EXPECT you to slow down and care for him. Which would obviously be a pile of shit for you.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable. As you rightly say marriage should be a partnership, if you are the only one working it's only fair that he should be taking over a bigger share of household tasks to free up time so you have more leisure time together. Holidays with the boys are fine but he does sound quite selfish, how would he like it if, when you do retire, you just swanned off on holiday with other people whenever you felt like it?

Yeah that's not gonna happen. Even if she gets ill or infirm first, he won't be her carer. That much is clear from his behaviour now. Bogging off on lads holidays and pursuing hobbies and interests that exclude the OP.

Whilst he has earned the right after many years of working, it doesn't sound like he wants to be anywhere near her most of the time, let alone be her carer, ever! 😬

I'm 14 years older than my fiance. I'm a Headteacher and hoping to retire in my early 60's with a healthy pension and hopefully some sensible investments. The plan is for him to retire too so we can enjoy life together, as well as plan for his security in the likely event that I pass before him.
Neither of us would enjoy it if I were retired and he were still grafting 40 hours a week.

The situations are very different though. A SAHP is almost always financially dependent on their partner. They choose not to work and for their partner to provide for them in exchange for performing childcare and some level of domestic support. If they didn't, there would be little point in the arrangement.
In the OPs case, her husband has worked, earned and planned his finances so he can now provide for himself without the need to work. He's not asking the OP to keep him so doesn't 'owe' her a contribution in lieu.
Don't get me wrong, I do think both should contribute domestically and that relationships are not as financially 'brutal' as that in reality, but a retired financially independent partner and an unemployed dependent one are not the same.

By her husband. He wanted her to carry on working and not retire early. Exact same scenario as op.

But statistically that's a lot less likely.