for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

He’s worked for 40 years, why should he spend his retirement being a live-in maid?

OP wants to retire at 55 and presumably live mainly off his pension, since she won’t have accrued enough years. Too right DH should tell her to put a shift in.

Yes ive been there, we had the "talk" we decided if we tightened our belts a bit i could go part time, which worked for us.

What about the 5 years he wasn’t working and it was just her bringing in money?

Do pensions work differently now? Because if he’s in receipt of his pension he’s bringing in money. Money he’s earned over many years of hard work.

For five years, before he could draw his pension, he was unemployed. Living in her income.

They are married though. I have sacrificed my career to have 3 children. It was a couples decision and my pension will always be lower than my husbands as a result. BUT our retirement investments are considered joint as we made a joint decision. Just like they will need to make a joint decision as to when she retires. But I find it strange to consider his money and her money. A marriage is a financial contract.

Life’s too short. I would consider pensions a joint income for a married couple not his and hers. He’s 10 years older, I would want to enjoy a great retirement together whilst he still has his health. If you wait too long you might find you can’t do the things you planned together. If you can afford to do it, I say go for it. All this talk of pull your weight or it not being fair is bizarre to me. I should think you’d like to enjoy each others company and who earns what in a marriage is largely irrelevant.

That is partly true @MrsTerryPratchett but she could clear it all up by being a bit more open. I can only think she's not replying to questions about his redundancy package, or her own work and earning power because it won't show her in a good light.

I'm not disagreeing over the childcare years but they would be a very long time ago. Maybe since then, he's been the main earner and once he got to 60 and (should have) got a redundancy payment, he decided he didn't want to work.

He could have been given a very generous financial package as redundancy money, tax free.

The thread title is misleading because it was only around 300 posts in that OP said he was made redundant.

Totally agree.
the money is joint wealth.

You should both retire and share your money, love and time together .
people often forget women may have lesser pensions due to having time off to have children run the home families etc.

I think you are very sensible to consider spending time together .

those people saying you are unreasonable think on this .
my brother died at 50 , my sister at 49, my other brother before 20 and I’m disabled in a chair at 45.

None of these people collected hard earned pensions , none of these people can have a fun retirement with their spouses.

my husband is still working but I’d do anything do he could spend time with me. time together is precious.

you can be robbed of good health at anytime.

if you need extra pin money you can always get a fun job in a cafe etc or.. the golf club bar …😜

Totally agree . Hurrah for some common sense.

My sister is 15yrs younger than her husband. He has had years of retirement, she now is unable to enjoy her late 60s and 70s because he’s 90, and fit for very little except being taken out for ‘little drives,’ and being served, literally, meals bang on time.
Retire now, O P, or you will get no time off at all.

I get it OP. It’s hard to be in a relationship where one person is working full time and the other is enjoying retirement. It’s interesting your DH had no qualms about living off your salary alone for the past 5 years but now his pension is his alone. You gave up a position with an all round better remuneration package to bring up your joint children and that should be seen as an important factor, especially on Mumsnet.
You need to talk about this with your husband because even if you can retire in 5 years he seems to have a nice solo routine set in place and how would that work? It sounds like you’re both living parallel lives and not very together.
Would part time for both of you work? Same hours/days and then time together. Others have mentioned, you don’t want to retire to then just to become a carer. Find a solution together.

Presumably, he is taking care of the household and their finances are shared.
That said, it is still him doing no more than housework and cooking (which is no that much for two grown ups) and she is working full time. It is understandable she will resent it, even if it is not reasonable.

Wait, so he retired early and lived off your income for 5 years, now he's saying you can't do the same?

Nah, I'd retire now if I were you.

It seems he was made redundant.
If he then decided to become a SAHH, then that is shocking. If he failed to find a job (which might well be the case at 60+), it is less shocking. And if he did not get a job after a couple of years, he would not get one when a couple of years from retirement.
It meant she had a SAHH and him doing the housework is not that much of a contribution. That said, we would not consider it outrageous if it was the other way round.

More likely she has had enough of a thread on a women's forum which seems utterly determined to make her responsible for the behaviour of a self centred man.

She said in a previous post that she had taken the career hit to manage the childcare /domestic responsibilities, leaving him (like most men) significantly advantaged. I've known a few men made redundant at that age who tell people they "retired" - its face saving and an excuse no to find other work. I've seen this play out a number of times over the years.

As for any package - OP said they have been living off her income so if there was a package its long since gone on his lads lifestyle. He has her well trained though after 25-30 years - she even struggles to think of his pension as "their" income which it is whilst he has no trouble living off her income.

I wonder why women with relationship issues bother coming to MN at times - the handmaidens are always out in force to insist she has lived off "his" money and he has "earned" his fake retirement.

I can't imagine the quality of the marriage where this has become a 'Do as I say' issue.

How is your marriage overall @MrsPuddle ?

I think, being honest, you expected and hoped posters would say your H was wrong. This is because you were a little disingenuous with your subject line and you've not engaged with a lot of questions so no one knows the full story to this.

However, with this age gap, most couples would have a conversation - long before 60- where they said something like -

H- 'I don't want to work beyond 65. Let's look at our finances and see if we can manage if you stop work at 55.' Let's decide what we both want - for ourselves and for us as a couple.'

He could also have asked if you wanted to carry on working beyond 55.
And what you (as a COUPLE) wanted to do when he was 65.
That might mean him doing his own thing while you carried on working longer. full or part time.

Or not. Some women aren't ready to retire at 55.

I can't get my head round a husband dictating how long his wife should work. It shows a complete lack of communication about your future hopes and dreams for the rest of your lives as a couple.

It's telling that you've come to ask strangers about this (but only given a one-sided view) and not said what's happened when you've talked to him about it.

Does he not want to spend time with you?

As for any package - OP said they have been living off her income so if there was a package its long since gone on his lads lifestyle. He has her well trained though after 25-30 years - she even struggles to think of his pension as "their" income which it is whilst he has no trouble living off her income.

You don't know this - about the package and the 'lads lifestyle'.

There is another side to this which she's not saying here but she's posted about before. Those posts suggest she gave up a well paid job from boredom so it's unclear if he was angry over that and feels she let them down (and therefore has to keep working now.)

I’m 61 and DH is 9 years older than me. He went down to 3 days a week about 3 years ago. With both of us WFH during COVID we managed to save a healthy (but not excessive) amount and we both have pensions which again are not huge.

We had a discussion at Xmas of that year and he said he intended to give up the following summer. He said it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to keep working or not but he’d worked out that we would have enough to live on for a couple of years before he had to start drawing on his pension leaving mine intact until I got my State Pension. He also said that because of the age gap it would be lovely to have some time together doing what we wanted to whilst he was still fit and able to. As I was quite unhappy and disillusioned with my job I decided to give up at the same time he did. In fact we flew out on holiday the day after we both left our respective jobs.

I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Being with him isn’t the problem, but I do continually worry about running out of money and have been thinking I might try and find something part time just to boost the coffers.

It's telling that you've come to ask strangers about this (but only given a one-sided view) and not said what's happened when you've talked to him about it.

Does he not want to spend time with you?

I wondered the same thing. As always with financial issues in a relationship, it's not just about the money.

I did read the posts @SwingingPonytail . Op doesn't say if there was a redundancy payment but it seems unlikely it was enough to live on for 5 years.

And yes it's an odd way for a married couple to behave but previous posters have been giving the op a kicking about 'expecting to live off his pension' but then now not acknowledging that he's probably lived off op salary. How is that any different?

Best guess is that OP's husband was made redundant at 60, and was unemployed and a househusband taing care of housework for five years.
That is challenging and men are very bad in the UK at keeping their marriage going when they are long term unemployed (women are very good at it in those circumstances).
It is understandable that the OP has some resentment.

I think the whole thing is about far more than money. He doesn't seem to want to spend time with his wife and is maybe using the 'we need the money so you need to work' as an excuse. And meanwhile he's off with the lads on holidays.

How good is their marriage? That's the real issue.

Her H could have got a very generous redundancy sum - we don't know. They are tax free and if he got 2 or 3 years of salary (tax free) that could be a lot.

Coming back to mine and other posters' original posts, it's really unbelievable that a couple with a 10 year age gap never sat down 10 years or more ago and discussed their finances OR employed a financial advisor to give them advice.

As I said, he may be angry that the OP gave up a good job at 54 and is (perhaps) earning a lot less and this is his way of punishing her.

It's really couples' counselling they need not a forum.
They sound worlds apart in their plans for the next few years.

Why are you not doing what is best for you?

I voted YABU As I thought well it's way it is , you expect a partner who is older to retire sooner, there is 15 years between me and my husband, He has now retired, though still does a bit of work to help a friend out . But I am still happy working though due to certain circumstances am having couple of months off which has been great, I have only been with my husband 8 years so slightly different situation to you. I do think though as you have been with your husband a lot longer I that you would have a plan in action so you could do something together. Maybe you could have a month off each year to enjoy a really nice holiday/go travelling I am guessing this is more because you have to work while he is now enjoying the fruits of his labour and having fun ,