for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

Ah ha, thank you. I suspected as much!

I have semi retired and we had many many discussions about how it would work (I'm 4 years older) and the agreement was I would do all housework so our weekends were fun times.

He can't swan off and do what he likes whilst you work and do the h/w, and I bet you do the many?

I think being at home behind a screen is about as painless as paid work gets. It really could be much worse, and it doesn't sound like he's getting under your feet.

YANBU
In a long happy relationship I would expect your husbands retirement plans to include wanting to spend time with you travelling, taking up new hobbies together etc.
I would be concerned that you may not get many years of retirement before he starts to slow down / get health problems etc.

If I was him I'd want to facilitate my partner either retiring, or reducing hours, so we could enjoy spending more time together. Op's husband obviously doesn't feel the same, though. . .

"We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement."

Or another covid happens, or another Liz Truss or something akin to Brexit or Put in completely loses the plot...

Even if nothing like that happened in the next half a century (unlikely) I wouldn't do it. We live longer and longer. You could have another 50 years ahead of you. Do you really want to spend them watching homes under the hammer, harassing garden centres and getting norovirus on a cruise?

Ditch the DH, look into finding something that suits you better workwise and flourish for decades.

Lack of purpose is one of the most vicious channels into decrepitude.

Flip it on its head OP and think of it another way- why should you be able to retire earlier than him? Why do you only have to work to 55, while he worked to 60? He has done his time, you still haven’t finished yours.

This is a big problem.

He is spending his pension on his lads' holidays and days out, and your wage is keeping the home fires burning.

You could find yourself tending to someone whose health is deteriorating once he gets close to 70 and beyond while you are still relatively young - but this is something you surely anticipated when you married, though nothing is certain and we can't see into the future... Will your retirement hopes have to be shelved for him?

I think the way forward is to go part-time, so you have time to spend together and enough money to maintain a standard of living. If he keeps on insisting you work full time while he does a lot of solo holidays, etc, that's a very lonely existence for you, and for him to insist on it is very strange amd selfish indeed.

I think you need to find a mediator or counselor to figure out a way forward.

Surely as he's not working and has no young kids to look after, he's helping lighten the load at home with washing/cleaning/cooking? That way, you should hopefully have more "me time" when you're not working too, right?

I agree with you op, you should retire earlier and enjoy the time with your husband. Provided you can both survive on the money he is getting or savings.

This made me chuckle! but as with many women who change jobs when they have children, sadly my pension is not great.

Yes indeed.

I think your husband is being selfish here. He's also taking you for granted.

Has he always been like this?

Nail on the head there.

This is a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

My dh is 8 years old than me, does a professional but manual type job, has to be on site, no flexibility, no part time etc. He is hoping to retire around 60 if he can afford it (I'll be 52- which is only 11 years and I couldn't imagine retiring. Still feel about 25). I'm lucky that I do remote consultancy work that I can do wherever and whenever. Our plan is for me to go part time when dh retires and spend a few months a year abroad.

Dh jokes that I'll be 'keeping him' after he retires (until I retire) and tbf he fully financially supported me and our dc when I completed a doctorate for 3 years. Him being older also meant he already owned a house when we met so I benefited from that too. So it's swings and roundabouts in age gap relationships.

Op I think your best option is to go part time if you can afford it.

Yes, there's a not very nice personality here.

I don't think I could unsee this if I were the OP and considering the future.

He's done is work let him enjoy his retirement.
Large age gaps don't always work.
But it's his time now reduce your hours.

This is the crux of the issue to me.
Will you also get the same amount of 'golden years' of retirement, traveling abroad etc, or will you have to stay at home and be a carer to your DH?
Also - doesn't he want to spend these 'golden years' of active retirement with his loving wife? It's a gamble on his part!

Agree.

Marriage is a partnership and whatever you both do should surely be with the joint goals of your partnership.
My husband and I are the same age, but he will have a significantly bigger private pension than me because I spent years out of work looking after kids. According to some posters on here that's his, he worked hard for it and I need to wait until I can afford to take mine, although my husband can probably afford to retire at 50. No, if we can't both retire at 50 we will both work until we can retire together- we are a team.
If one of us needs to retire earlier because we are struggling with work or health then we'll do that, but overall the goal will be to spend time together, to do things together and to enjoy as many years of good health together as we can. Maybe one or both of us will want to keep working part time or volunteering for fun (tbh more likely me than him), certainly that's what my dad has done - my mum retired at 60 from part time work. My dad kept going with part time seasonal work and is still enjoying it at 70 - they still have lots of time to take holidays and do things they enjoy together, and mum has lots of times to do things that are meaningful to her while he is working.
It must be a mutual decision for the good of both partners and for the marriage, and in OP's case it feels like a decision handed down to her by her husband.

You have facilitated his career and his large pension by being the one to take the hit when you had children together.
He wouldn't be where he is without you, but he won't share the benefits with you.

So you took a financial hit in order to make family life work, and now he's spending the pension your sacrifice made possible?

To heck with that.

I'd be talking to a solicitor, frankly.

Why is it bizarre that you would want to retire with your husband. If you were both the same age you would probably retire together and move on to the next stage of your life together to have shred experiences and memories.

My DH is 12 years older than me. He retired age 62 because we worked out that by cutting out luxuries I earned enough to support us both. He did volunteer work for 2 years and then bought a business in the South of France. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would give up “work” and join him in his hobby business. When he decided to retire completely there was no discussion he expected me to retire with him.

We met later in life and did discuss the issue that if he retired at 62 and I retired 10 years later then we would miss out on so much. So I focussed on putting as much as possible into my pension knowing that I would probably stop making payments just s I reached my peak earning capacity.

To be clear my husband was not controlling and If I had said at anytime I want to carry on working he would have supported that.

What a strange unhelpful statement? should I eat less than my husband? not buy any clothes?

women have the children - many take time off for childcare- should they pay their husband back for supporting them when they weren't working?

do you realise the majority of men have bigger pensions than their wives, because they havent had to compromise their careers due to childcare?

Arent you and your partner a team?

I get where you are coming from. Not quite there yet, but there is a biggish age gap between me and DH, and he is hoping to retire in the next few years, where as I still have what feels like a very long time ahead of me! I can imagine feeling jealous when the time comes and he's enjoying his life while I'm still working.

The thing is though, that was always going to be the case. We can't afford for me to retire earlier than 60 really if we want to still live the life we have, so I know that whilst I might feel jealous, it will also just be what it is. That being said, we will be mortgage free in 10 years time, so less reliant on my full time salary. I might look to go part time at that point if we can make it work.

I will definitely be expecting DH to be doing most of the household stuff though once he retires, so that we have more time to relax in the evenings and at weekends. I'd also ask him to try and move his 'hobby' to during the day if he can so its not eating in to our evenings.

God forbid he has some fun with his friends! He's still an individual and is entilted to go on trips or abroad with someone other than his wife!

Do the PP who think OP should retire think she should have retired at 50 at the same time as DH? I doubt it.

And as for the arguement of her ending up being his carer. Well by that rational he'll eventually die and she'll have plenty of time to enjoy his pension for many years to come.. and women live on average 4 years longer