for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

So basically by "tighten your belts" you want HIM to stop or severely curtail the things he is enjoying (lads holidays etc), that he's worked hard for and that you admit yourself probably has only a short time frame to keep doing in good health, just because you want to retire 12 years before the pension age?

You really should have discussed this between you before he retired but ultimately if YOU want to retire early it was/is up to YOU to plan and save for that in advance rather than expect your husband to subsidise you. Retiring at 60 is still a good deal earlier than many people can afford.

If you can financially retire now, then I'd do it. If it's simply a case of him being jealous and not wanting you to benefit when he couldn't is him being extremely selfish and childish, and I'd think carefully if I wanted to be with someone who would happily take himself on holidays and fun stuff whilst insisting on you working

I agree do much with this. He can’t possibly care very much about your feelings, if he knows you aren’t happy and he just carry’s on enjoying himself.

I am surprised at the majority of the comments. The OP is not simply being lazy, it would be nice to spend some time with your partner before too old to enjoy. What if then he has health issues in 10 years (more if they move the pension age for OP again), would the OP be expected to look after him? Has she done more work in the house/ most of the child rearing over the years that allowed him to have a great career and hence a bigger pension pot? Really, one can't judge her to be lazy from the information on the post, come on! It is definitely a conversation you could have had ages ago OP but I would be pushing for at least going part time. If he has money for lads holidays he has enough money on the pension pot for you to go part time! A couple is a team, let's not oversimplified and just imply she needs to do work then same years than him.

There are creative compromises you can make here, but like others have said, if you don't work together like a team and both think of each other in your decisions, then it's a tough situation for you. There are ways to make your time more your own, to develop more autonomy - look at Cal Newport's Slow Productivity book for ideas on how to manage work time really efficiently. I don't know about your employer, but mine allows you to buy additional holiday and go to four days or do compressed hours. Ask your DH to cover some of the domestic chores that you find a grind. Tell him how you feel, but don't make anyone at fault - it's one of those things with age gaps!

How about you look at the figures and see if there's a way whereby if YOU tighten YOUR belt you can afford to go part time? I think that's the fairest compromise rather than expect him to make savings for your benefit.

@MrsPuddle

You're still very fortunate to be able to retire at 60!

People really don't think things through and think about the future when they go into age gap relationships. You're always going to be at different points in your life.

If you DO retire at 60, when you are retired, (and in your early 60s,) you have a pretty good chance of being his carer, as he is a decade older than you. A lot of people find their health tends to decline fairly rapidly, when they hit 70-72 years of age.

You seem deeply resentful of him retiring 10 years before you, are you going to be happy caring for him/looking after him if he needs care from his early 70s?

My DH retired at 58 (two years ago), I’m 10 years younger and plan to retire at 60.

I’m pleased for him, he worked for years in a job he didn’t really like, and is now getting some free time to go fishing or walking. He’s had a couple of holidays with friends. Best thing is that he now dies the housework, shopping, cooking, washing etc .. I come in from work, and it’s all done. Lovely

To be honest, if you have always had the same opportunity as him to earn your own money and pay into your own pension then really it’s up to you to make sure you have done that and planned your retirement.

I get why it’s annoying though. I face a similar thing as mine is 8 years older and plans to retire in 3 years at 58 when I will be 50 and can’t even think about retiring as can’t access my pension until I’m 57 at the earliest. He has already planned a three week trip to Vietnam and Cambodia (somewhere I don’t want to go and can’t take the holidays for) to treat himself when he retires to after 40 years of working. It does wind me up a bit but he said I had University which was a doss in his eyes and only started working at 23 so have only worked 24 years currently and he is right. I’ll just have to suck it up. I do worry about the illness thing too though.

I’m a little older than my DH, I have retired at 55. He is still working. I’m lucky I could retire so young. He will retire in the next two years possibly, in a year. I will have been retired four years by then. What you are asking is to work for a decade less time. You may also be short of NI contributions. Mine didn’t start a pension till he was 26, I was 21. We didn’t even know each other back then. At this age gaps really show. I’m just surprised you didn’t talk about it a long time ago.

Does he go on holiday with you as well as his lads holidays while you're working?

Lads holidays made me laugh

The husband isn't showing any signs of wanting to spend time with the op though is he?
He's off on a jolly with the 'lads', doesn't seem to be wishing he could have a holiday with his wife . . .

And me ! 😆

Its exactly the advice meted out to SAHMs here who also have a full time job looking after children. They are routinely told they should be doing all or the bulk of the housework and home admin and sneered at whilst their home based activities are minimised.

A healthy retired partner with no children to look after should absolutely be picking up all the home responsibilities - if SAHMs can do it on top of childcare then healthy active 60 something can do it to give both of them a better quality of life and more time together.

Ideally these things would be discussed much earlier but from observation most age gap marriages pick a compromise time so that they have more active retirement years together.

Sounds like the OP is worried that by the time she retires her DH won't be able to do the things she hoped they would do together. If that is so then she can do what he currently does - live the high life with her own activities and friends. However most couples do hope to do stuff together in retirement at least to some extent.

Well, exactly. Why is he not going on holidays/trips away with you @MrsPuddle ??? You do have holiday leave do you not? I get 6 weeks a year (plus all the Bank Holidays.) DH gets the same. We both work... Yet shockingly manage to spend quite a lot of time together! (And go on 3 holidays a year together... one 'big' one, and two long weekends...)

I should also add, that whether or not the DH has 'worked hard', which I'm sure he has, there is a still a substantial gender pay gap and an even bigger gender 'pension gap' so financially speaking this is not a level playing field for the OP or for most women. Remember that men do better financially as a general rule by virtue of gender alone! I don't expect to have money for many 'girl's holidays' when I retire, and I think a good partner would not want their loved one to miss out on leisure opportunities because they haven't earned enough in their career!

I know on MN it is absolutely frowned upon to go anywhere without your spouse, or even solo, but I have always travelled solo, with friends and with my spouse. I need all those breaks and I often need time away from him and vice versa. I dont see anything wrong with his jolly. He's earned it! DH is off soon on a jolly. And I will take mine later in the year as I can't get away now.

The argument that he 'earnt' his pension and should therefore be able to enjoy it whilst the OP carries on doing the daily grind annoys me.

It's equivalent to saying well he earns more than me so he can afford to go on holiday and I stay at home.

Larger pensions are often facilitated by the other partner taking on a more supportive/job role that does not attract the same level of pension - and yet some people suggest that this means they just keep working longer.... and yes, then take on caring duties - sod that game!

They are married, finances should be shared. One of them should not enjoy a significantly different lifestyle to the other.

Our age gap is similar (55 & 67). DH has only state pension and plans to continue working part time until he can't work anymore, partly for financial reasons and partly because he says he'd go mad without some work to do (he's self-employed so can choose what he does).
I have a very small pension which won't keep me / us so I will have to carry on working until at least 67 but probably longer if I can.

I do worry that we won't ever get time together when we are both not working - by the time I am 67 DH will be 79 and although he's pretty fit and healthy at the moment, I doubt he's going to be up for the same amount of activity in his 80s.

But I knew all this when we got together (6 years ago). So we plough on and make the most of the times we do have. He has quite an active life with various things (the famous MN 'hobbies'). My social life has to be mainly after work, which means late night and very early start and I am exhausted most of the time, but it's how it is.

Can you change your job or reduce your hours? Are there any other options you can think of ?

He should indeed be picking up more of the household work, but I can see why he'd be wanting to enjoy the most of early retirement.

What

I know you are a couple but surely there should be an element of personal choice in when you choose to retire. Thank god I am middle aged and single and it’s up to me when I retire. Also even if you make plans for retirement you can change your mind.

Obviously if the finances don’t add up and it will be a struggle to survive you need to discuss it together.

I do know of an age gap couple where he retired much earlier than her and she wanted to join him but ‘wasn’t allowed.’

@Ohfuckrucksack · Today 13:51

The argument that he 'earnt' his pension and should therefore be able to enjoy it whilst the OP carries on doing the daily grind annoys me.

It might 'annoy you' but it's still a fact. OP's husband has earned his stripes. Why should the OP NOT carry on working til 60? (Like her husband did?!) She is 10 years younger than him. Are you suggesting she should have retired at 50 (when he retired at 60?) All the LOLz!

Well, thats okay but maybe tell him that you expect the same number or years of relaxing fun once you do retire. And if hes not well enough, he'll need to make other arrangements for his own care as you'll be too busy enjoying your well earned retirement.

@Stargazing24

I do know of an age gap couple where he retired much earlier than her and she wanted to join him but ‘wasn’t allowed.’

She 'wasn't allowed' by who?

Yes, this is what I would fear.