In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

But the child's mother is part of the family I guess.

Agree!

It sounds fine to me

This. All or none from today forward.

But your daughter does stuff with the other side of her family when you’re not there so why should everything your end revolve around her??

here, if it’s your weekend then you’re included, if it’s not , then you’re not. Simple.

we don’t overthink or make a fuss.

I think we need to stop believing in this myth of Blended Families. It very rarely happens. The disparity between how Mumsnet views how children should be treated when they are children and when they might inherit shows that relationships with wider step families are transient. And that is fine. They are 'for now' families as opposed to 'always' families in the way your blood relatives are.

There is a difference and we need to stop pretending that there isn't.

It’s not just up to OP. She’s already said her DH wants to take their DC and that’s okay.

So can I guess you wasn't treated as well as you should have been... They can work and they do.. lots of amazing step parents and inlaws that don't cut the kids out. I'm sorry if that was the case and you was cut out, you didn't deserve that. 😔

Quite.

Your H and his family are frankly unpleasant. Do they think they’re the fucking Mitchells or something? Your poor daughter is left out in the cold by all of them.

The reality is that step grandparents take a risk when they accept a SGC into the family and get close to them. As, potentially do other members of the family.

My DD's BIL was with his second partner for about seven years. Her daughter ended up much loved by his mother who welcomed them both into the family warmly. Then they split up, and BIL's mum has never seen the girl again.

Even my little DGD is missing her 'big girl cousin' and can't understand where she's gone .

Obviously that's not a reason to deliberately exclude anyone. But it's also a reason why (for instance) it's reasonable for a step grandfather's insurance payout to be for the grandchildren who are actually related to him.

But the in-laws are purposely choosing time when the daughter is at her Dads? Purposely excluding her? That might be okay in your world but in mine they would get none of us. It's cruel.

I agree. I am a stepchild who was welcomed and included and I have stepchildren and now step-grandchildren who have been welcomed and included. These threads (and there are quite a few) where people constantly defend excluding stepchildren are among the saddest on MN.

You can’t control everyone . It’s only a big thing if Op makes it one. Where is the need.

No I was fine in one sense. The extended family was actually the better part for much of it.

I just knew what was my family my blood and family by choice, and that I wasn’t raised to have expectations of those who don’t have to do more than be pleasant.

Maybe stop spoiling the oldest step at the expense of the biological relationships. All this all or none to refuse the younger children events with their actually family to what save the feelings of the pfb who’s actually off with their actual family.

This only ever happens when it’s a mum btw. Dads don’t force their wife’s family to bend over backwards for his children, yes the wives all do this my children are just as important. Yes to you, not them. Enjoy the resentment and what not, when the youngest are angry because they missed out from your own adult guilt of being a blended family.

I also wasn’t the younger one I was the older 🙃

But we really don't know that that's the case. As I said earlier, are the people who are organising a big event at a hotel, really going to prioritise the non-availability of a step family member? Organising these things hinges on the availability of the venue, the caterers, all the family members and friends that both sides of the couple WANT to be there and probably other things.

I genuinely can't get my head round the whole thing being organised in order to exclude a minor family member. I think it's highly unlikely.

I wonder if that stipulation gets passed on to the ex? No fun events outings or family parties for the dd while away?
It's a great way to Foster resentment, 'no you can't do anything without your older sister, and if she's not here you can't see family'?

If my in laws did this with my DD, I'd never speak to or see them again and neither would my DH. Ever.

Just because your dh sees her as family doesn’t mean his extended family have to see her as such

What the actual FUCK have I just read?????? Yes! Yes they do if they want to be a part of their own son/daughter's life! JFC

You could just turn up with all 3 kids.. arrange with her dad to change the contact for that day without telling anyone, is that a possibility?

Yes it's quite egocentric is it not to think that the step dd of a relative NOT being there is such an essential factor in someone's wedding planning that things have been planned around this?

Put it this way, if my partner family treated our eldest this way(my son from previous relationship that dp has raised since aged 2) I would not be marrying him this summer. I personally would just message her father ask if his OK to switch weekend and then say to her dd will be with us. If you want us as a family we can make it if not then we will all be absent from this and any future events.

See my thread on something similar:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4771584-grand-parents-rejecting-step-children

my parents organise events for when my step-children aren’t present because they won’t invite them to anything. It’s nasty and horrible and has caused a huge rift between me and my parents that I am stuck hiding from the kids because I don’t ever want them to think they’re a problem or unwanted.

So I will test myself here. I am very close to my niece and nephew. Take them on fun holidays (individually), spend a lot of time with them, pay them pocket money and have them in my will.

if my sister remarried tomorrow and gained a step child would I consider that child to be my niece or nephew? Probably not. Would I take the step child on holiday and include them in my will, also probably not.

woild I invite them to parties at my house, absolutely. Buy them Christmas and birthday presents, of course. Take time to get to know them, of course.

while adults should of course be welcoming and
kind. You can’t always expect step families to work like birth and adoptive families.

Families can really suck. Just let them control their pathetic invites. At some point, you can return the favour and NOT invite them to something you plan, when your daughter will be present. Of course they will understand (heh heh)

Not sure I'd make a big deal over this. Presumably your child goes to celebrations on her dad's side without her siblings?

Your husband chose to accept your child into his life, his parents don't really have a choice. It seems they're kind when they see her and treat her equally to her siblings. It makes more sense to see ILs on your child's contact weekend too, because then you're free for the other weekends to see your side.

You are also 'unrealted' but have been invited.
You've been invited to a family event, but your eldest has been excluded. While they might not have meant any harm I think you need to find a way to help your husband understand how this could affect your eldest. And then let him deal with it.

I'd be tempted to tell your husband to go with the younger kids, and say you're not going as you're not related.