In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

What does your H think of it all? How long has he been her step-father?

It's SIL's wedding celebration and not only is she happy your eldest won't be there but your MIL actively chose the date knowing she was with her dad? Fuck that. Your DH should be advocating for his step daughter more and telling his family that their deliberate exclusion is cruel and won't be tolerated. Failing that, don't go and don't let the youngest two attend either as a point of principle.

They don’t differentiate between girls when in front of them but younger two benefitted from insurance policy when FiL died.

Well of course. He wasn't your DD's grandfather.

How do your in-laws know when your daughter is with her dad? Are you telling them? Or might your DH be one of the culprits here too as he'd clearly know when she isn't going to be around if his family are asking him when should they have an event?

Why don't you look in your own immediate family grouping to find out how the in-laws are finding out and then take it from there. I don't think any of your DH's side are covering themselves in glory here...

They don’t differentiate between girls when in front of them but younger two benefitted from insurance policy when FiL died.

But she's not his grandchild - why would she benefit?

I think your expectations are too high but I also think they are wrong to deliberately exclude her.

you can’t define family for other people. Your daughter isn’t adopted by your husband and so not a granddaughter or niece. It would be lovely if his family saw her as part of your family and therefore theirs, but you can’t force them to.

you are absolutely going to be disappointed if you expect her to be treated equally in terms of family money.

but….they should include her in family events.

I either wouldn't go. Or go and not take your other dc if that's an option.

This reminds me of when I was fostered. I was never treated as part of the family. Obviously I knew I wasn't related, same as your eldest daughter in relation to your dh family, but it still felt shit. I was a child where adults were acting in a way that was awful and mean. Exactly what is their issue? She is a human being with feelings, being brought up by their son and brother who they must knew loves her, yet they think it is okay to leave her out.

Time for your dh to step up. It's not like he married you not knowing you and a child...

Husband thinks it’s a coincidence and his mother would have told Sister-in-law about youngest after the date was chosen even though the timeline was obvious to me. He doesn’t see why they would have to invite her if she was seeing her dad anyway but sees why I am upset only as it will be a good occasion. He only thinks logically. He doesn’t think that his brother should have to think about eldest as they would have invited her if she wasn’t with her dad.

This is so not okay and those that are saying it is or it's a misunderstanding - if you were the sil saying you wanted to purposely exclude a child in this way your arse would be handed to you on a plate.

Vote with your feet. No invite for your daughter no attendance from you or your other children. Excluding in this way is cruel, it is a shame they would do this but there is no way they should get away with it.

Your DH is a massive part of the problem. He patently doesn't view your DD as a part of his wider family either. I couldn't be with a man who colluded in excluding my child.

I can't fathom the mentality of a bunch of adults who'd go out of their way to plan events only on certain weekends, simply to exclude a child they're not related to. Spiteful, childish and pointless behaviour. If I were your DH I'd be ashamed of them, and tell them so. Disappointing if he doesn't.

I’d find this hurtful and probably bow out of this event while I reevaluate. I’m a step parent to two DSS and DH is a step parent to my DS since he was one. My MIL and FIL are lovely people and include DS as their grandchild, send him presents etc. DH recently let me know they’ve changed their will to split it 3 ways between the grandkids which really surprised me. I don’t expect them to treat him the same but it’s lovely that they do.

This summer we are flying back to see them and DH’s family, just me, DH and DS as the DSC’s mum refuses to give permission for them to travel. MIL said it was a shame (and is flying out here to see them instead) but she’s thrilled DS is coming anyway.

You can’t force someone to want to be a family with your kid but it’s nice when they remember that they are in fact just kids. Who didn’t ask to be in this situation.

When people have further children with a second partner they need to accept that it’s not going to be like the Brady Bunch where everyone blends together perfectly.

Your FIL left money to his family, your eldest is not his family as much as you may think that’s the case. Your eldest will likely inherit from her dad’s family and if they don’t because of financial circumstances that’s the way it is. It’s not your FIL’s responsibility to fill that gap

I have both a step mum and a step dad and it wouldn’t have occurred to either of my parents to make an issue if an event was planned when I was with the other and I never felt like I was missing out. Same as an adult, I have never been invited to weddings in step family and I have never thought to be upset, as they are not my family

I think her contact with her dad comes out in conversation, from me, her and DH. I haven’t thought about it before.
Husband gets on with her and never questions me at all about money or anything.
He thinks had she not been with dad they would have invited her but doesn’t see why I am bothered. He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family.
He thinks I am being emotional and keeps repeating that she will be with her dad and why would I alter that so she could go to an unrelated person’s wedding reception.
As for my other two not going, he would think I needed sectioning. The middle one is so excited and wouldn’t see my point either. She is six!
I do want to add he is wonderful with eldest, genuinely.

why would I alter that so she could go to an unrelated person’s wedding reception.

So everyone at the reception will be biological relatives then?

Seriously, this sounds like a big event. Would everyone involved really arrange it around the absence of your husband's step daughter?

I honestly can't imagine that with all the other factors around hotel/restaurant availablity (not to mention the availability of all the family members and friends of both people on the couple) that your daughter being with her dad would be front and centre.

With expectations as low as yours there's no hope for blended families is there . Op absolutely does have the right to expect more. They are a blended family and reasonable and kind ppl don't begrudge a 10 year involvement in a family event. Said child is a family member!! End of . If the inlaws are too vile to see that then that's their issue don't blame op for wanting her child there with all your 'that's not fair on the child' rubbish. What's not fair is nasty ppl who want to make a 10 year old feel out of place in their own family.

I’m a now adult child from a blended family 😂 that’s why I say they don’t work anyway.

What's not fair is nasty ppl who want to make a 10 year feel out of place in their own family.

But she will be with her family - she will be with her dad. It’s not as if she will be sitting at home with a babysitter while everyone else is partying

He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family.

That’ll be a large part of their reasoning.

I think it's hideous behaviour. My nana always treated my brother and sister as if they were her grandmother and took them on holiday with us always. No one was ever left out. Why take it out on kids just because they aren't related.

He is part of the problem because he clearly doesn’t see her as part of his family.

OP how you deal with is kind of going to set you up for the future.

Id be so offended if my in laws where organising stuff around one of my kids bring away

@SemperIdem 's comment here is very smart: "Life doesn’t revolve around a child’s contact arrangements.

I do things with my stepchildren when my child is with their dad, I do things with my child when my step children are with their mum.

We do things altogether of course, but it is fine for life to not standstill in their absence too."

So is limiting the information you share with in-laws so they can dictate or control the planning of events to exclude. Also, a unified front between you and your partner about how your blended family socializes. Somewhere between all these small changes is a solution: you will be letting people know how to treat you going forward.