In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

Look at it from MIL's pov. Her son married someone who already had a child. Really, I'm not sure that she's obliged to be the loving step-grandmother, while your husband (who had agency) is obliged to be the loving step-father.

Well, that's the flip side isn't it.

There are lots of threads on here from people who don't want their children becoming step-parents.

I'm surprised by some of these replies. We have a step niece who also spends loads of time with her dad - she's invited to everything along with the others, if she can't come, we are disappointed but understand. If it's something big, her dad never minds her choosing not to be with him that night (she's 13 now so has more of an input into which home she's at when).

I'd be really hurt if they were intentionally excluding one of the children for any reason.

Thing is that’s lovely, you all love and embrace her. But it doesn’t mean everyone just opens up their hearts and arms to every child that’s announced as a new family member. Hell lots of husbands and wives are not either.

Another reason not to have a step family this is what you sign up for. Surely she’d want to spend time with her biological father rather than one of MIL events

It never ceases to amaze me on MN the lengths some family members will go to, to exclude an innocent child caught up in family dynamics that they have neither choice nor control over.

I think women need to really consider this before they go and have a second family.
It seems a real issue for a lot of familys which should be established before any wedding or second family is planned.

Finding out how a prospective family will view you and your child joining them seems an obvious move.
If it is negative then the outcome is likely to be the exclusion of the child and a woman has zero business remarrying.

If she does go ahead and marry into this family, she can't be surprised when they really don't want her child at their family gatherings.

I think you should have known before NOW that your husband feels the same and understands his familys position.
I wouldn't have wanted to be around a man who held that view, much less have a family with him and put my eldest child in such an awful position.

@ThoroughlyDisgruntled I've not read the full thread, only your posts, but do you think there might be cultural differences at play?

I'm from a Catholic background and extra children would always be welcome in the family. For example we invited the stepdaughter of my first cousin once removed to our wedding so not inviting the stepchild of a sibling would be unheard of. There are also longstanding friends who are mistaken for family because they are so close.

This doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but if the belief that blood relationships are the most important is something the family has all grown up with and never challenged that would explain why they can't see why you would be upset by this view.

I can also see a huge difference between asking a child if they have any cousins or if they have any other cousins, the first is something you could say to any random child admiring a baby and the second would acknowledge the cousin relationship between the children present.

You probably should take your new information and consider if you need to take any actions based on it - for example do you want to reconsider your will to ensure dd1 directly gets a third of your estate rather than your husband getting it all? Obviously hoping that the will is not needed for a large number of years yet.

You need to talk this out with your husband.

You also have the option to invite extended family to your home, when your daughter is present, for family occasions.

You also have the option to plan days out or your youngest children's birthdays to include extended family and your eldest daughter, if you can't for some reason host family events at your home.

Instead of being offended - you need to work out how to get your in-laws to spend time with eldest daughter and get to know her.

Because if they get to know her, they will probably bond with her. But only if you organise family active events - like picnics, parks, games in parks, halloween, Easter egg hunting, making cup cakes, going to a National Trust park or museum or petting zoo.

And if there are cousins of a similar age to eldest daughter, you should invite them to yours at weekends, so they develop a friendship.

And if your eldest is the only 10 year old, and there are no other children of her age group in the family, then that is absolutely why she is not included. They expect the youngest two children to play together ...

But who is going to be supervising/entertaining the solo 10 year old, who has no aunties, uncles or grandparents at all the events? Is that why you didn't notice for so long, because it was convenient not to make extra effort for entertaining/supervising dd?

DD can't force in-laws to take an interest in her. Only mum can do all that behind-the-scenes organisation to make sure daughter is included and interacting with in-laws. But mum also needs dad on board.

I’m shocked at the number of cold hearted responses on here. Nobody is saying the ILs have to feel the same bond and connection with their step daughter, but there’s absolutely no need to exclude her either. She’s 10 for goodness sake!

My DBs partner has a child from a previous relationship and in our family he’s invited to all the events and receives birthday/christmas presents like everyone else. It’s not the child’s fault their parents separated and went on to start new families. Why should they be punished?

I’ve also been the stepchild and as others have said, it’s not not nice to feel unwanted and excluded. Anyone who would think it’s ok to do this to a child is heartless.

Shocking how so many posters subscribe to the ‘blood’ kinship uber alles. Blood is a symbol. That’s it. There is nothing ‘natural’ about only loving genetically related kin. In many cultures relatives are reckoned in far different ways, having nothing to do with ‘blood’. Furthermore, what about adopted children? Would these despicable in-laws not accept an adopted child? FWIW, my cousin, like a sister to me, is actually only related via a step- relative. We present publicly as cousins and get a kick out of being told often that we resemble each other. Kinship is about how people relate to each other and the bonds they privilege. We all know siblings/families who have fallen out…as well as ‘she’s like an aunt to me..’

I think your in-laws have a strangely rigid narrow view of family. They are deliberately choosing dates which exclude DD1 for big family events. So DD1 is not only navigating her 2 families, but will grow to know she’s not quite part of your new extended family particularly as she hits her teens.

I wouldn’t go nuclear straight away, but I do think a conversation is required, perhaps with DH, MIL and OP (given SIL appears to suggest this is coming from MIL) where DH 100% supports you raising clearly and calmly the potential harm these exclusionary invitations could have on DD1. That may be all it takes.

However if the situation doesn’t change, and you have been clear, then it is deliberate. In that case, you might need to be less available as a family, including younger DC, for the family events. Not never available, but less so.

But you and DH will need to be on same page or it may start to come between you.

If it was the odd occassion I wouldn’t care, just put it down to coincidence but this sounds like they plan things to deliberately exclude your daughter . I wouldn’t stand for that and would reject some invitations on purpose just saying sorry it’s not convenient we have plans for a family outing on that date. Your MIL sounds spiteful treating a ten year old child like this and SIL just as bad

@mumindoghouse
I think your reference to the 2 families actually sheds light on the difference in views between people on this issue....

I would have thought that if you're referring to the extended families, the DDs 2 families are her mum's family and her dad's family. (And not her stepdad's family.)

(And conversely if you're referring to the close / immediate families rather than the extended families, for DD they would be (1) her mum, sisters and stepdad, and (2) her dad and any partner and other children he may have. So again here not referring to extended families - so stepdad's extended family not coming into this.)

I can see your point to an extent. I was referring re “2 families” to her 2 nuclear families ie Mum, Step-Dad and siblings family 1;Dad, step Mum if any and associate siblings /step siblings Family 2. That’s quite a navigation on its own without the extended family on either side being so excluding.

Our families, nuclear/extended, blended or not, don’t differentiate between full siblings, half siblings, first cousins, close family friends, etc. We celebrate with each other regardless.

Doing otherwise to a child/ teen might not be poorly intended, but it risks causing hurt that doesn’t need to be felt.

No, you invite all the children and if they can't come then fine but can't not include. Xx

YANBU!! That’s really not nice. I’d probably be distancing if I’m honest. I absolutely hate the way so many people treat step children. My eldest is not my DH’s son and he is treated like this by certain family members and it’s just so shit.

It really very simply comes down to this. It's not just that the in-laws are arranging events to coincide with the stepdaughter being away at her dad's, but they are not inviting her at all. OP has said that the dad is reasonable about switching contact.

If the child did happen to be with OP when one of these events occurred, would the in-laws expect OP to get a babysitter and leave the 10-year-old at home while her sisters, the OP, and her husband go to the event? It sounds to me that that's exactly what they would expect. How can anyone justify this?

Exactly, it's so unfair for this poor child to be excluded. Do they want her to grow up knowing she's not welcome? Awful and I would kick up a fuss! X

It is absolutely fine that your husbands wider family don’t see her as family, because she isn’t.

My husband and I have no children together but 4 between us.

Our respective parents treat their step grandchildren kindly but there is no expectation to ‘love them the same’, the relationships are not the same and that is okay.

I think the kindness you refer to is what the OP wants for her child and sadly does not have.

They must be kind to the step child in general as OP has only just realised.

I don't get the people here who are pointing out that your kids with your current husband don't spend time with the ex husband's parents. Of course, you all know why this is different--those kids don't live in a family unit with the ex husband at all, so no one would ever be hatching a plan to exclude them in that case.

The weird/mean part is going to all the trouble to always exclude the stepdaughter. And its setting up lots of potential awkwardness and impracticality in the future--what if someone in the husband's family wants to host Christmas? Does that mean OP's family has to decline as her daughter from a prev marriage will obviously be unwanted? Its just so pointlessly rude and exclusive.

This is so sad.

OP is your DH understanding your perspective yet?

They had been able to mask their unkindness to some extent because of the visits to the dad. They are very obviously being unkind and it's now fully apparent.

OP already said that they don't differentiate between the children when they are with them.