In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

I'd not go unless my eldest DD was invited too. Sometimes she might be at her Dad's and not be able to go but if her name was not included in the invitation I'd not be going, I doubt my DH would go to. I have a foster child and he is included in all family invitations and if he was excluded none of me, DH or my DC would be going. We are a family and we'd stick together. Luckily both my family and my in-laws include our foster son in everything.

Fair enough if dd not available but deliberately avoiding her is very hurtful. I would completely step back from inlaws other than basic civil relationship.

Ultimately it’s up to them who they invite but you are not unreasonable to want your child treated like a member of her own family. I would not be happy at all and tbh wouldn’t attend their event whatever it is.

They cant be expected yo arrange everything around visitations. Also they clearly dong see your child as part of their family. She is yours thats ok. Its just the way it is

@Elaan I don’t think it ever works like that. My younger two would have no relationship with their elder sibling’s family but obviously my eldest has a relationship with my husband’s family given that she lives with us.

My younger two only met eldest’s family at her First Holy Communion and my middle one was just fascinated by ex in-laws.

When husband’s other sister-in-law had a baby a few years ago I only had two kids at that stage and we went round to see her. My two were cooing over the new baby but sister-in-law turned to eldest and asked her if she had any cousins in her dad’s side. I know it’s illogical but the atmosphere changed and eldest withdrew. To us it was obvious she was differentiating between my two.
With this sister-in-law she just couldn’t see why my eldest girl would have to come if someone else could look after her.
I don’t know a way forward, I am really upset and think I have been naive in not seeing this for what it is. I think my husband will think I am being dramatic.

The very point of the OP is that they DO arrange everything around visitations, just the other way around, by purposely scheduling events so the oldest is kept out.

OP the immediate lesson seems to be that your schedule needs to be a lot more opaque. And as a pp was asking - how do they know in the first place? Is your DH complicit in this?

It sounds like they don't see your daughter as part of the family and are behaving accordingly.

Personally I think this stinks and therefore YANBU.

At age 10 she is a child and cannot be that much older than her siblings. Maybe she is unaware of all this, or maybe it truly doesn't bother her. But when I was in a similar position to her (in a very different family set up) I was VERY aware of being excluded, and desperately wanted to be accepted by them. It was not until I was an adult that I was able to understand the dynamics and that it wasn't personal - although I still don't get why a bunch of grown adults thought was they were doing was ok.

It's perfectly reasonable and polite for the family to arrange some casual outings in this way - so as not to upset your daughter. (If you have only just noticed I bet your daughter hasn't batted an eyelid.)
However, for important family occasions, like weddings or big birthdays; your daughter should be included, even if the date is when she is with her Dad.

Having an event or occasion that happens to fall on your eldest child's contact day is one thing, deliberately organising ALL events and occasions to fall on those days is abhorrent.

I wouldn't be going to this one and I
wouldn't be putting any effort into my relationship with MIL, after all she isn't your blood family.

How do adults even end up like this?

I don't get the bit about asking about cousins? Surely that is just polite chat with a child? Unless I am missing something?

I think that’s fair.

This is up to your husband to sort with his family. I'm sure he will support you, you're his wife and the snub is against his daughter, even if she is a step daughter.

Frankly if she deliberately isn't being included you could decided not to include yourself or any your kids.

Your DH’s family are insidious and they know exactly what they are doing to your 10 year old.

You’ve caught them out and now you can’t unsee it.

Sorry. It must be so upsetting for you.

This is awful step grandparents and family never ever treated me different to any of the other members, from day one I was a member of rhe family. If I had sc or sgc this is how I would be. In my mind it’s horrible not to invite, none of my family would be attending, anything ever again.

My family stopped getting my brother’s SD birthday and Christmas presents because her mother never said thank you. It caused such fall outs. To me, she was my niece and I treated her the same as my nephew, my brother’s son. While I can understand grandparents wanting to do stuff just with their blood grandchildren, I don’t understand excluding a child from a family event.

@Jazzjazzyjulez Yes I know I might be being sensitive about that but we were there cooing over the baby as one family and all of a sudden that question demonstrated that that baby wasn’t eldest’s cousin. It was if she was ‘othered’, I know that might not have been Sister-in-Law’s intention but the atmosphere changed and eldest withdrew.

They sound vile, who says that to a child withdraw from these awful people.

In the multiple similar threads there have been about this in the past month, there have been many posts by the second and third children in these situations who have resented not having relationships with their grandparents, uncles etc because their mother stopped contact the way you say you would.

Does SIL know if your OD has any cousins on her father’s side?

You’ve picked up on a pattern and have been inadvertently involved in the vileness of their behaviour.

I can understand you being sensitive now. I would feel repulsed by them too.

She wasn't "othered" at all - a woman who had just given birth was trying to make polite conversation with a child and showing an interest in her other family members. You are overthinking that. Also I don't see the problem with there being casual family events when your oldest DD is with her dad. If she was left out of weddings or Christmases or anything important then that's completely wrong but for some meetings I think it's fine. If your DD withdraws when asked a simple question like the above then I can see why they might want some meet ups without her there.

Yes you were being illogical. It's an absolutely normal question to ask of a step-niece in that situation. She was involving her, which is surely good?

In SIL's place I would almost certainly ask the same question, considering it showing interest in her.

I honestly can't imagine the amount of effort that must go into purposefully choosing dates on which your DD won't be there. I'm not sure what's worse - having family events and not inviting step children or going out of your way to choose dates when step children can't go.

Yeah I mean that’s just general chit chat surely. Do you have any cousins on your dads side isn’t some kind of snide insult it’s a question no different to asking a friend you make as an adult if they have siblings frankly.

I can see why it might be upsetting but the older daughter has another family which the other children do not and they would not be invited to those events - there will be events where this happens and I don't really think the SIL/MIl have done anything wrong

To not be named on the invite says it all really. Premeditated exclusion of a 10 year old child.