In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

If having all three of your children at a family get together is so important to you, how many family get togethers have you hosted?

They dont want her there but they don't want to hurt your feelings

I'd put on a united front. All of you or none. Don't attend an event your DD is being excluded from, sends the wrong message

I think it's a bit odd actually that you would rearrange her contact with her dad so she could attend an event with her stepparent 's family. I think most people would stick with the contact schedule.

I also think that if you haven't noticed an issue up to now, presumably they are inclusive and kind to her when they see her. So it's more that they just sometimes prefer just their family which doesn't seem totally unreasonable to me especially when they have been so subtle about it that it's taken you 10.years to notice

@Spriots you have just provided a great name to inspire me to create one of the most evil characters in my book. Cool name, thanks.

Sounds like the best way. No need for a drama.

The answer is not to tell the in-law family when your DD's contact weekends are. And if they ask, you and your DH need to agree to answer with "why do you ask?"

I'm afraid I would say 'don't worry about planning events based around my daughter being away with her dad anymore, because I won't be coming to any more of your get-togethers and DD won't be either'. What horrible people.

If they are deliberately choosing the weekend she's at her dad's to avoid inviting her is pretty mean. On the other hand if they had checked with your dh ahead and he said she wouldn't be there, it's quite possible that is why she wasn't invited, not out of malice

You can’t force people to have a certain relationship with your daughter. She means the world to you as she is YOUR daughter but she isn’t related to your husbands brother or his wife or even your husbands mother so they obviously do not see her in the same way their view their blood nieces/nephew/grandchildren.

Its a tough pill to swallow but as long as she’s treated kindly when in their presence you have to just accept that people do have different feelings towards blood relatives and step. I know it’s going to be an unpopular opinion but it’s true.

I would start turning up with your elder dd if her dad will change contact. See how it goes then if they start deliberately asking for her not to come you and your DH have a hard conversation.

OP this would be the death toll of the entire relationship for me.

Horrible twats

Fuck that. The whole family come as a package. I’d rather eat shit than join people if they preferred it if my child wasn’t there and pretended she didn’t exist in their family.

"They don't see her as family"... She's not though. They want to see their own grandchildren, not someone else's. Is that really that unreasonable?

Grandparent relationships are nice if they work out but not essential if they don't, if step-related that's even more the case.

This

Would it not be important to you? 🥴

Doesnt matter how many parties she has hosted. Wtf is wrong with you?

What kind of event is it? Saying she can come if someone else drops out indicates it’s a pay per person thing, rather than a party at someone’s house? I can see why they would do this if space is limited. She’s not their family at the end of the day. That’s unfortunately what you risk by being in this situation.

He shouldn’t think your dramatic OP.

It’s absolutely horrible that some people ‘other’ step children even when they all live together.

My ex raised dd1 and would have said quite bluntly - where’s DD1s invite?

Nothings wrong with me. It’s a question - that’s how this works.

The OP says it’s only just dawned on her that every time her SIL or MIL organise family get togethers, they happen to fall on a date her eldest isn’t there and she no longer thinks that’s by chance.

She doesn’t comment on how they get on when they do see her eldest - how often does OP have all the family over?

If she and her husband are not hosting their share of family get togethers and thereby encouraging the wider family bonds, it a bit much for her to complain that her husband’s wider family don’t see her eldest as wider family.

It would be nice if they took your eldest under their wing but I don't think it should be expected. Your eldest will surely be doing things with her DF's family on her weekends with him? I think it's a sensible way to organise family visits.

Ideally the majority of visits to your side of the family should be on weekends that your eldest is around as it is more beneficial for her to spend time around her own blood than step relatives.

As some PPs have said, weddings and big occasions are different. Your eldest should be invited to these in an ideal world.

It does appear that they are deliberately arranging events when your DD is with her father and I think that's sneaky and mean. I have a little more respect for them if they were upfront and admitted they didn't want her there because she it not 'family'. Not a lot, just a tiny smidge.

What would you like to happen Thoroughly ? I personally couldn't let it go un-commented upon. And that's putting it diplomatically which is not something I'm known for

It is a celebration in a hotel to celebrate their wedding which was abroad.

I get I am coming over as weird about other sister-in-law asking about her cousins on her Dad’s side but the question engendered an atmosphere.

I must be very stupid, the last ‘event’ we had was my eldest’s communion. All invited. All declined but one brother brought his daughter to reception after (he has a wife and two other children without present and stood at bar with husband). This has only just occurred to me! I put it down to them not being Catholic.

They don’t differentiate between girls when in front of them but younger two benefitted from insurance policy when FiL died.

That’s fairly clear cut, then.

OP your MIL and the rest of her family are awful. How any adult can treat a child like that is beyond me. Of course you cannot force them to take on the role of family but why on earth the would exclude i child i will never know. I have 3 step Grandchildren, i fact if you get down to the nitty gritty 2 of them belong to my husbands step daughter with his first wife. In my eyes they are my Grandchildren and will be treated as such. In your shoes ( and i would hope your DH supports you) i wouldn't be attending any event unless all of my children were included on the invitation.

But the OP wouldn't be there with her Ex's family would she?

The OP has 3 children. Her new husband has presumably taken on the oldest so they are a family

I think that attitude of leaving one out stinks