In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

Very unkind of the ILs.

I feel like this is the opposite extreme to deliberately excluding the children and I’m not sure either is a great way to approach it. My sister had stepchildren for several years and while me and my other sibling and parents invited them everywhere, bought them presents etc, I think it would have been really destabilising and unfair on my own nephew (her son) if we had immediately drawn no distinction whatsoever between these kids we’d just met, and him who we’d loved his whole life and always will, to the point of even having to share any inheritance if his adored grandparents who helped raise him had died. As it transpired it would also have been destabilising and unfair on the SC (even more so than the situation already was), because my sister and their father split up and we’ve never seen them since. There is a happy medium between deliberately uninviting SC from family wedding receptions and just pretending there’s nothing special or different at all about children’s relationships with their core family.

I don't think you can change what they organise and when.
You could organise your own event?

Excluding a child or children, regularly, is not good. Not good for her and her siblings.
It's as important to build their relationships so in their lives they know and can rely on and love their siblings.
My now adult DS has 4 half siblings and 2 step siblings. They all consider themselves full siblings and meet and support each other

I do understand your point of view. But I stick to my perspective that there is room for everyone in a family, and our step-grandchildren, who are never contacted by their family on the other side, can easily and joyfully be absorbed into our family without anyone's nose being put out of joint.

@PomPomtheGreat Will your bio grandchildren resent you for reducing their inheritance because you treated your step grandchildren the same as them?

My late mother-in-law told her niece that is why she left her money to her grandchildren and not her children so that my beautiful son her step grandson wouldn’t inherit by default.

Inheritance and step families are a mine field. We have heard countless stories about how parents remarry, the husband does first and all the money goes to the second wife and her children rather than the husbands children.

therefore while I understand you see this as unfair - if this woman didn’t consider your son to be her grandchild then I can see why she wanted to protect her grandchildren’s inheritance.

Has she left money to your husband, your son could have ended up with all your husband’s inheritance and his children could have got nothing.

If they take the stance that your oldest in not family as there is no blood connection, then the same goes for you.

I mean that’s obvious in the way wives/husbands are dropped as soon as the divorce is on the way 😂

Family while together, invited out of politeness. Your held closer than the child, because ultimately your the adult, and they hope you won’t break their child’s heart,
where as the child is under the adult’s control to be here today gone tomorrow, should you decide to leave with no way of staying in contact with a minor even if they wanted too and built such a relationship.

My husbands nephews are his not mine. If we divorced I’d never see a single member of his family again bar our children’s events such as weddings. They are not my family. They are his.

I really hope not. My bio grandchildren will be raised by my bio children who think that it's fair and right to consider their brother's much loved children as family just as their own children are.

Grandchildren will all get a small amount each to help them start adult life. The rest goes to my children, so it's up to them how they leave their share when they go.

If it’s ‘just a party’ why can’t they fit one extra child in??
personally I wouldn’t go, let husband go alone or let him take the other 2!! But I’d be done with them all for this.. it’s shocking behaviour!

Did you miss the part where OP says SIL said she knew that weekend was the fathers weekend and hinted that it was deliberately booked while she wouldn’t be there?? Then said she couldn’t come when OP said she could swap weekends?!

This @ThoroughlyDisgruntled !! You inlaws are arses and in your position I’d go no contact and just let DH take the kids round.
I wouldn’t let anyone treat my DD like this… she might not be family but you are and you and DD come as a package!

Since most all of them didn't bother when invited to your eldest DD's communion, you are under zero obligation to have you or any of your DC to attend this wedding celebration that deliberately excluded your eldest DD. I would continue to not attend, even if it means telling them, "My eldest will be home that weekend, so we are doing something as a FAMILY instead of attending your exclusionary gala". Then switch weekends with your ex, so you are telling the truth.

Maybe they won't GAS if you and the children don't attend, but at least you know and can sleep soundly, knowing that YOUR family is together. If your NVDH wants to go to his family's crap, let him go. He doesn't sound that cognizant of your DD's feelings.

It would obviously be lovely if your DH's family embraced your eldest more, especially as I'm assuming with two siblings she has been DH's SD since she was quite small, and I do think its a bit mean spirited not to when she's still so young/has two half siblings who are their blood. However, you can't force them to see things that way and you could accidentally hurt your eldest by making a big deal of it. As long as DH treats your SD well and appropriately to their relationship I wouldn't worry too much about the in laws.

Zombie thread

Zombie thread - no idea how this appeared in my list. Sorry.