In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

@saraclara if you don't believe this is happening then why even reply? We have what the OP has said. She believes this is happening (and also said on an event for her daughter most in-laws declined the invite).

You are denying the OP her belief that her in laws are excluding her daughter? From what she has said they are. However you seem to know better?

This is horrible. Okay, in laws don't see your eldest as 'theirs', but to deliberately other her is just nasty. You didn't see it because it didn't occur to you that people in your own family could be so mean.

I'd tell my husband they've been doing this and then I'd become unavailable to the in-laws. No going out of my way to attend their events - polite, but no favours. No rearranging anything I wanted to do in order to prioritise their wishes. No helping them out if they need it. Emotionally and practically, they'd be dead to me.
If your dh wants to take the kids to see them, it would be on him to do it - no facilitating visits, no remembering to buy them birthday and Christmas gifts. They would literally be in the same level to me as any other acquaintance.

If they don't treat my child as family, then I would be of the assumption that as I'm not blood related either, then they don't count me as daily either.

Given that they think so little of one of my children, then I wouldn't be going out of my way to do much for them. DH would be in charge of all things for his family moving forward and I wouldn't bother my arse going to events that are organised if I wasn't feeling in the mood for it. I wouldn't be reminding DH of birthday/Xmas pressies etc.

I'm not saying that OP is lying. She clearly believes that this is what happened. That doesn't mean that she's right and that timing of the event was built entirely around her daughter's unavailability.

It just doesn't make sense. There's a massive amount of organisation around such an event and the availability of the important people.

And yes, I'm absolutely entitled to put that point on a discussion message board.

One of my DN's isn't blood related but we have never treated them any differently to any other child of the family.

Exactly!! Way to go making the others resentful of the one kid that gets EVERYTHING about them!

Your daughter is not part of your DH's wider family.
We've had this issue too - it's fine and actually makes it easier.

I always planned things with my side of the family when DSC were with their DM. It was just easier. They preferred his full attention when they were with us anyway, so it worked out better if he spent time with them on their weekends and we socialised when they were not around. And yes, we tried to socialise with them; they were highly anxious and couldn’t cope. They would see DH’s family, obviously, but not mine.

I apologise in advance for being hard of thinking here, but do you really think your BIL and his wife should have arranged their post wedding celebration around your daughter’s contact schedule with her dad?

No, of course not. But they could invite the stepdaughter. We sometimes rearranged contact so that my stepchildren could attend events with my side of the family.

Clearly you are 'hard of thinking' since when the OP said she could rearrange her daughter's contact time the sil didn't want her to? The daughter is not invited.

The daughter is purposely excluded. How much thinking do you need to do about that? Other than to make the OP feel more shit than she already does?

It's not as if they are forcing someone to be at home doing nothing. Your daughter (who isn't their blood relative) will be spending the weekend with her father. She can't expect to attend absolutely everything, and you cannot expect that on her behalf.

I don't think the OP is expecting her child to be included in everything. I think what she would like is for her child not to be excluded from everything.

They did. To ensure the DSD/DD wasn't there.

He thinks I am being emotional and keeps repeating that she will be with her dad and why would I alter that so she could go to an unrelated person’s wedding reception.
...and presumably she has lovely fun celebrations with her biological fathers' family that her younger half siblings don't have?
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters I think you are, they are half sisters and your girl has a whole other family (and maybe other half siblings?) to love her.

This is what happens in blended families everyone is not the same and can't do everything the same

@ThoroughlyDisgruntled would you be happy with dh agreeing with your seeing his family ban, if he then bans contact with any of your family too?

YANBU it's not that they're planning events without considering her. It's that they're making the effort to plan events around her, just to make sure she isn't there. They care enough about her presence to make the effort to know her contact schedule and plan around it. But they're using that effort to EXCLUDE her, rather than include her. It's worse than not caring about her. I would be devastated in DPs family were actively avoiding having to be around DS.

That would be the last time she heard from me and if I was you - I would NOT be going anywhere with ‘family’ that ostracise my child!

Yes, this, they could still invite her anyway. She may or may not come because she is with her Dad, but if what the OP feels has been happening in terms of a pattern like this, then what is wrong with these people?

They appear to be actively excluding a 10 - YEAR OLD CHILD....definitely won't build resentment or anything like that when she realises what has been going on. Drive a nice wedge between her and her siblings and the inlaws, sorry, sorry step in laws....FFS.

This is very sad. If it was me, I would let my husband take the youngest two and I would not go myself in protest at your eldest being treated this way. She is a 10 year old child - how callous to leave her out of such a celebration. And next time something like this happens - it should be an instant "good news my eldest is with us that weekend...her father had swapped dates...."

Op didn't say that - she said her daughter's dad would have swapped dates so her daughter could be there (if invited). OP is more concerned that she wasn't invited and potentially the date choice was a deliberate attempt to exclude her eldest.

Are you sure you're not just being a bit paranoid? I find it hard to believe that your in laws are deliberately scheduling their events specifically to exclude your eldest child, unless her behaviour is difficult or something? Would it make that much difference to them if she's there or not?

Initially I thought.mmmm…maybe just bad luck that they keep choosing dates your eldest isn’t around.
However
All bar one attending her First Holy Communion sets alarm bells ringing for me.

If they can’t be bothered and don’t care enough to include the whole family then I wouldn’t be attending events that they are clearly arranging around your dd. I would be extremely upset if my dh went to these events given that a member of his family is being excluded.

I thought the same but only one attended her First Holy Communion.
That’s a disgrace and clearly deliberate.